Jelly, I agree, it is progress. I didn't reach out quite soon enough, but I did as soon as I realized I was going to need help sticking to my new resolve.
What set it off? Hmm...other than the obvious? I think it's the fact that my feelings are changing for H. I don't see him the way I used to. I love the old one, always will - but this new one disgusts me. We had so many talks about how important children were. How we had to be there for them as long as we were alive. He was a leader in this.
His tantrums are not something I've had much experience with. He had a pretty scary one a couple of weeks ago. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with all I'm going to have to do. I really lost myself in the marriage. I've gotten so used to thinking of myself as "sick" that being forced out on my own by someone I trusted really threw me.
I'm not sure what the trigger was, exactly. I've had it in my mind since this whole thing started - I just wasn't very forthcoming about it. I hadn't really made up my mind, but I've been heading in that direction for a long time now. The world feels crazy and overwhelming to me, and I am not convinced I am enough all by myself.
I'm also convinced that loss of myself has been more destructive to me, as an individual, and my M than I could ever realize. I was a burden, more than a wife. Someone he had to take care of. He married a partner, and wound up with an obligation. Of course, I though that was what vows were meant to cover, but I think I fell in love with the idea of being sick a bit too much. I just stopped living. I existed.
Being in pain every single day will do that to a person. I realize now that I didn't do enough to try and work around it. I just accepted that was the way it was going to be, and shut down. H couldn't deal with that. I shouldn't have accepted it, either. I'm not blaming myself. I just see things very differently.
H wasn't strong enough to deal with the changes. I wasn't either. I'm going to learn to be strong enough now. It's the best chance I have at any quality of life.
I've rested. I am exhausted - how right you are about that! Thanks so much, all of you, for your kindness and support. It's hard for me to talk about these things, believe it or not. I've gotten in the habit of keeping it all to myself, and I don't think the end result was really worth the silence. It's not pride, I don't think...it's fear. Fear of being judged. I know I'm safe here - and that is changing so many things in my life.
