Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

Hi Azzork

Thank you, yes that is the right screen name. And I know. He is a mess right now as am I. I am trying though. Of course only after royally messing things up but still, baby steps.

[Rain75]

So, I have been reading up on T0324. Also jumped around a little and read some things from Train. All signs point to what Zues, tl2, Pink, Anna and others have said to me. Same deal with what I've seen other vets say to threads I follow.

So why do I resist? Why?

Stfu is a huge one for me. I would deserve the oscars of Stfu-ness if i can pull this off! And I'd have a great speech too

Make every interaction a good one- leave them with a good feeling. Sooooo, cursing and crying and shaming are off the table...geez what WILL we talk about

Gal gal gal...I actually did not want to hear this 3 weeks ago. How can I gal when my world and family just fell apart. But chaknow what? Doing small things like fixing my hair and taking the kids out and catching a movie have helped me feel better. Even if only a little bit. Ill take that!

Be mysterious...must admit I am not to sure about how to do this one but I want to learn.

Detach....ahhhh the golden goose. This is what I want more than anything. So that I can stop the madness.

Well that's it for now. Hope everyone is having a good night.

Rain

[- MB -]

Stfu is a huge one for me. I would deserve the oscars of Stfu-ness if i can pull this off! And I'd have a great speech too

Make every interaction a good one- leave them with a good feeling. Sooooo, cursing and crying and shaming are off the table...geez what WILL we talk about

Be mysterious...must admit I am not to sure about how to do this one but I want to learn.

Detach....ahhhh the golden goose. This is what I want more than anything.

LOL...this post made me laugh. Thank you!

As for the stfu....I can hear myself yelling it so loudly in my head that it has to be all caps. STFU!!! Over and over and over.... If only I could listen to myself!!!

Every interaction a good one? Cursing, crying and shaming...seemed to be my hot topics for this evening while I had him trapped in his truck after he paid $120 for a new battery for my car and fixed my car. Seemed like a logical interaction after his kindness....right? I could soooo hear that STFU voice yelling at me, but I just kept on going like a moron! I didn't stop until I had him telling me that he doesn't want to be married to me. I wasn't really fishing for THAT reaction and I so regret that I got it.

I do think that I pulled off the mysterious thing (before we started talking again). He honestly thought I had GAL and was very curious about it. I haven't been able to accomplish the detaching thing though. I wish I could, but haven't been able to manage it just yet. Looks now like I will have plenty of time to practice.

[Pink17]

Sweet Rain,

You are getting it better then many here, and for sure better them my dumb head.

I had a very hard time with the whole thing, but guess what, it helps more then what I tried on my end. I am finally detaching, it was a torture for me, but after such long time I am getting there.

Time is a friend, and if you use it wisely you get gold coins points. LOL

I love the way Zues explained it and left out there as your own choice. He is right, your hubby plays victim and wants to make sure he has your attention. Unfortunately, it may be just that for now, you are somehow his lighthouse, the one he knows will comfort and security. But what is there for you? You become plan B, he will force you to be in limbo.

So why to play his game? In a sitch like this, that has been going on for a long time but you started DBing just now, the best is to follow Sandy's rules. Like Zues said, going dim is a good option.

It will allow you to have some space, to be away from his roller coaster and start making the change you want to achieve. Now, it will make him curious, so be aware that time to time he will try to check on the temperature.

I fell more then once for my XH's charm, thinking he was coming back, but just to break my heart over and over, and over again.

Believe me, it he wants to take his R with in a serious way and want the best for both of you, he will find the way to let you know his intentions.

Nice job with your GAL, I know it is hard right now, but the intention is what makes a reality. Take the time for yourself, take good care after yourself and the kids. He will try to disturb this, but he will slowly get curious of why you are not so available.

Hang in there girl, it is very hard right now, it will be still hard tomorrow, but it will get easier with time. I promise you.

Love
Pink

[Rain75]

Pink I love you right now. Im sorry you had your heart broken over and over. I know the feeling and it is not a good one.

And yes, Zues pretty much nailed my X. He uses guilt to get his way. And you are correct in that without knowing I was, I somehow became his lighthouse.

I do get confused at times since at this stage the EA seems to be over. But I can not be sure it won't start again so I have kept him at arms length. He kept hurting me so now I am trying to protect myself.

Going dim and only responding to contact about the kids is my next challenge. I am proud of not initiating contact and not unblocking him to call me.

Also I did tell him at the start after BD that his guilt will no longer work on me. And I've done MUCH better not letting it. Have a ways to go but on that front I now see it for what it is....manipulation.

I realized last night that all of the things I want my R to be and to have, I can not have with who he is. At least not now.

I love and miss who he was and what we had. But he is not that person anymore and everything we had is tainted.

And yes, it's hard. So very hard.

I am so glad that you are getting better and stronger every day. You are an inspiration. And thank you for leading me to read about a success story similar to mine.

Thank you for checking on me. As always, I really appreciate it

[Rain75]

Glad I made you laugh MB. And yes I wish we would just do what we've been told works. And yes, absolutely the correct response to him being helpful was screaming at him. Ha ha ha NOT!

Yes, with the way they are acting and the stellar performances we are giving (sigh) it seems we will both have space and time on our hands to get a hang of DR. And maybe this time instead of suffering in silence and being focused on the guys, you and I can do what's worked. And focus on ourselves.

Everyone says we can do this...maybe we need to believe we can too.

Rain

[Rain75]

So, yesterday I made sure to keep it to, as tl2 said, just the facts mam.

If he said anything via text that was guilt related I did not answer which is a huge 180 for me. If he asked after the kids i replied. Short and to the point.

This morning I get one that simply says....I miss you.

Whyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!

Okay rant over

[Rain75]

I am trying to bring over something 25years wrote to me on annab74s thread and cannot. I can't wait until my laptop is 100% again. I guess I will have to open Ann's thread and answer long hand then type it out on my phone.

So when I post it may sound as if I am answering unasked questions.

[Rain75]

25Yearsmlc,

yes, I did read both of your posts on Anna's thread about your neighbor's and your Palm Springs trip.

You asked how I "know" the bad in his relationship with the ex/ow is true. From him, ow, his parents and siblings and his friends wives. To be fair it was only our history he rewrote into absolute negativity when he started the A. With her he never villanized it. Admitted they had fun and many good times.

And you are right I do not know how he really feels or if he is remorseful. That is mind reading on my part.

I have not read DB but I have read DR. Also for personal reasons I feel your choice of the word LEGACY pertaining to our children on commitment, forgiveness and redemption spoke to me. As if God gave you that word as a sign to me.

You asked how me bringing her up has helped me. In the moment it helped in so far as finally having it out in the open. But no other than that, it did not/does not help me or my interactions with X. Especially considering he does not want to discuss ow or A at all, ever.

And no, he is not saying he wants out. Just does not seem as if he wants back in either. But I too am confused.

The time we had over Christmas was SO HARD. His phone is my biggest trigger. So if he was on it or walked away to text i wound up either crying in the bathroom so as not to ruin it or I'd take a drive to buy something to get away.

On the ow. I blocked her. And I am not on any form of social media. She called me from another number.

On forgiving him. I did not mean to imply that I HAVE forgiven him. Only that I feel I need to forgive him. For myself. So that I can heal and move on and be okay. I am so bitter, hurt and angry and I don't want to be this way anymore. I really don't.

"Let's not look for reasons to make this harder than it is okay?"

I don't want to, yet I see that I am. It does not help me here that he told ow he was only with me for the kids and wanted and thinks of her all the time. Leaves me questioning if we did R if it would be soley for the children and he would still be giving her his heart and mind. I don't want that again.

Because there is no BUT. I am 100% petrified of being hurt again. After the 1st BD a year ago he also said he was sorry and that they were done. So though i fought and cried and clinged, i also stayed. He did not feel any other consequence beyond me being suspicious and hurt most of the time. He had his family in tact. I still took care of him, cooked paid bills and everything else.

So to know now that them being "done" only lasted for 2 weeks kills me. But its also why this time I left and have not gone back. He now has to fend for himself. I know I mess up a lot but on this he knows and I know that I am slowly finding my backbone. This time I haven't asked him over. I blocked him. I do not initate contact. And I found DR and you wonderful people on this BB. He may have done the same thing again but I am handling it differently. He is not liking this at all. And its hard for me.

I think I get what you are trying to get across to me. If I can find a way to get past this and stop punishing him for his mistakes and he chooses to do it again I will only be right back where I am now. But stronger. So I have to decide if thats what I want. One last go. Another chance to make our R and family whole, better.

What makes me feel better beyond him and his actions? To stop being this pathetic woman I became after the A started. A woman so fearful of losing a man.

To get back to who I was before the A. Believe it or not I was vivacious, fun, spontaneous, confident and crazy (the good kind :))

"GAL can not be "skipped"." <<< this i am coming to see.

As for "if the WS is trying to win back trust..." it seems he isn't. His phone and password are my biggest trigger and do me in..Every. Single. Time. So outside of me asking him to leave it in his car if and when he is meant to come by, I don't see another way to deal with it since he refuses to be transparent.

Thoughts?

Am I becoming a woman only a fool would leave?

I want to be. I am taking baby steps. But no, not yet, I'm not that woman yet.

Thanks 25yearsmlc. For all of your input. It was needed and appreciated.

Rain

[Rain75]

Had a lovely morning. The kids are so much fun. They make me laugh and smile so much. That is a great thing to be thankful for and I truly am.