Looking forward to the new year

[JulieH]

Fo,

The problem is I do not have any definitive plan or strategy. Instead I am in this perpetual state of limbo.

I get this feeling that right now husband and I are both waiting for the other to make first move. I could be wrong. But I think that husband feels that since he brought up his wish for reconciliation and I brought him to court, that the next move is mine. I feel like he is the one that left me and rejected me early on and should therefore be responsible for initiating.
What do others think that have been keeping up with my situation?

I also know that being in limbo does not affect husband as much as It does me. He is more independent then me. He is an only child. He has freedom to come and go as he wishes without any responsibility other then every other weekend. And his mom does everything anyway. He could go on a lot longer then me because he is absorbed with work. He can only focus on one thing at a time and usually it is work or his car. I can easily see him saying something like "If she wants to go on this way, that's on her. I have work to do. No time for that". I am constantly thinking about relationship and my future and children and everything else. I do not have patience. And this situation is what is on my mind 24/7. My GAL is limited because of young kids. I do work but only part time. Most importantly, Limbo means I am depriving myself of companionship and intimacy. Something I would very much like. I like having a partner and comradeship.

I do not know if we are capable of having a successful marriage or partnership. I no longer trust him or respect him. I do not want his parents marriage.

I need a plan and I'm not sure what it should be...
1. Continue to wait for him to initiate reconciliation. If he does make decision to
reconcile, I gain a bit of power. If he lets it go on I suffer in limbo and
financially because legally my life gets put on hold. How much longer do I
give?
2. Initiate conversation regarding where we are going. Divorce or reconciliation.
Disadvantage is that This gives him the power of deciding. It also reveals my
level of investment which limits my bargaining power if there is to be
reconciliation. Or it could push him torwards divorce. Advantage is that I can
move forward guilt free.
3. Tell him that since he has taken no initiation to reconcile, it is better to move
forward with divorce. Advantage is that time wise I can work torwards
moving forward, working more, and meeting a potential life mate. It fits with
my beliefs and gives me back my sense of pride.
Disadvantage is he can tell himself this was all me and move forward guilt
free when he is the one that left me. My kids might suffer long term. i might
regret this long term.

Am I seeing things in a distorted way? Am I missing Anything?