Updated/still thinking about next steps

[Zues126]

I ask and he either says he can't really say or that I should know by now and therefore I'm a bad fit/bad wife for him. OUCH.

Then he said something terrible - that I was more like a mother

Kyrie, none of this is easy. In fact your sitch is tougher than many because your H isn't gone and you have so many more decisions to make. And the pain of being so close but so far is terrible. I am sorry you're here, and glad you're posting more.

I am concerned that his porn use is giving you a target to blame for the problems in your marriage. You can do some research online, find people that support your view, ignore views that disagree, then diagnose his addiction as the problem.

He doesn't see it that way. His comments above speak to two things:
1) Diminishing his point of view
2) Controlling

At least that's how I read them. I have seen a number of WAS's say "you should know by now...", and I have in fact said that to XW. The origin of that comment came from a feeling of exasperation of having desperately, desperately, desperately tried to communicate my most important messages from my heart, only to have those messages dismissed and rejected. The same way that you hesitate to initiate after being rejected, he feels that way much more so. The same way you struggle to fully trust him, he struggles to trust you to hear him. Why?

The second part speaks to mothering. Mothers do two things...they have all of the control, and from a kids point of view they diminish their voice because they believe 'they know what's best'. A kid feels like 'mom doesn't understand, mom doesn't care'. Meanwhile mom believes she does know best, and it's easy for her to feel that her child's feelings and desires are somehow less important than her own. It's easy for her to dismiss what her children are saying as being 'childish', or 'my kids don't understand, I do, I'm doing what's best for them'. And while there's a lot of truth in that in a parent/child relationship, that dynamic can be very harmful in a M.

Put them together and I assure you he feels like you are condescending to him, that you think you are up here, he is down there, that you have the answers to the problems, and the problems are that he isn't doing things the way you want him to.

I am warning you of the same thing. Diagnosing H, making porn the primary issue, and holding his feelings and beliefs at arms length is dangerous. He is clearly mistrustful of opening up to you because he is afraid saying anytime you disagree 'that's the porn talking'. Extremely dismissive. Extremely diminishing. Extremely controlling as you would then be communicating that you solely have the judgment to dictate the reality of what's going on in the M.

With this in mind my recommendation would be to not magnify the use of porn into a mountain. I would get off the high horse and spend some time refocusing on your own road, some of which may be as destructive as anything he brings. I would make special priority in LISTENING to H, and to monitoring your thoughts carefully for any reflexive dismissal of his point of view, as well as to avoid controlling behavior like the plague. Talk of "tell me if you are tempted" is judgmental (you are wrong for doing that) and controlling (here is what you must do). This is the opposite direction.

Now, all of this goes out the window if 1) this is a deal breaker and you are ready to leave because of it, or 2) you are concerned for the safety of the 14 year old. If these are true then do what you must do.

But, if you don't believe there is imminent danger, and you aren't sure that you can't make a marriage work with your H using porn, then this is the path I'd recommend for now. Maybe you can develop a good marriage despite his porn use. Maybe it fades away AFTER a good marriage is developed. Maybe none of the above, and at least you've grown and know you stood by your man and marriage until something forced your hand.

Maybe you want to hear support for the idea that H is the problem and he needs to change to fix the M. If nothing else realize two things. One, this is most likely your H's point of view. And two, if you throw out what I'm saying because it doesn't jive with what you want, then you're probably doing the same thing with your H which is why he feels his voice isn't being heard.