Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

Kyrie,

Giving your husband a wide birth, to hurt, and for you to not fix him is what DB'ing is about. It hurts to watch him hurt, but like you said, only he can fix himself. Moving away from the raging fire so you don't get singed... but you will, since you're his W.

His heart is hardened. It has a shell covering it, and no other love is allowed to break in, including the love of Christ. I had to admit I was broken, and I couldn't fix myself. It took a blowout to crack the shell. And then for me to continue to hit bottom. That's when you hear God whisper - he never yells. From there, it was easy to see what I needed to do. Saying I was an addict actually was easy, once I knew my trying to fix things only destroyed those around me.

Every time my W and I have had opportunity to talk about us or the R, and that was too many times in the last 2 months, I come from a humble, but hurting heart. I say I'm sorry. And if we were trying to R right now, I'd be saying it often.

Your husband is trying to find God in sex, since it's a powerful tool we've been given. He isn't finding him there. He never will, not by himself.

YES! His heart is SO hard, most of the time. That blowout is what I wondered about...if that's the only thing that will get through...that he has to hit rock bottom and lose it all. Which is so sad. But maybe that's the only way?
He shows NO sign of humility (but *demands* it of me! Ironic!), nor any sign of remorse/repentance.

But does wide berth mean to leave him alone - don't make much contact at all? What about his forced discussions he wants to do to "hash through" all of our many problems? I've tried to just listen & validate, etc. We did that for a few months. It was hard, but I did my best.
He regularly says he needs support, community, emotional connection. All my attempts are met with rejection, hostility, etc. Unless its physical, then sometimes he'll respond. I try not to have *ANY* expectations and no reaction when he rejects. But it gets hurtful and I want to learn why/what I could do better. I ask and he either says he can't really say or that I should know by now and therefore I'm a bad fit/bad wife for him. OUCH.