Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

Kyrie, I wish I knew how to help you. So glad you have these three who have spent much time with you. I tried to get some background, but I have several questions, if you don't mind.

Has your H always been into the porn, or did it start later on the M?

Did the church ask for your H's resignation, or did he surprise them by resigning?

Were any of the members aware of his A with OW?

Unfortunately, I have known a couple of ministers who fell from grace and left their flock and families to live a lifestyle that was quite opposite to the spiritual role he tried to fill. I know two who D their W's and M the OW. It has a shattering affect on so many people.

Anyway, the two of you have tried to put distant between him and the church he pastured, is that correct? Are you attending church in your new area? What about your H?

Do you have any idea how long he has tried to live a double life? The pressure must be terrible for him, as well as you. It would seem that he's trying to turn his back on what is godly. Those who remind him, or cause him to feel guilty, pull anger out of him. I get the sense he is easily angered with you, for several reason, but just the fact you want to have a godly M doesn't seem to set well with him. It's his rebellion that wants to fight you at every turn. That, and of course, his desires of having his ego stroked. In addition to usual problems associated with a sitch such as this, he is fighting a spiritual battle, and he may recognize you standing on the side of what's godly. Therefore, it would seem to me, the more you try to coax him into confessing, or whatever, the more resistant he will be, b/c of him seeing you as pressure to conform.

I think this may be what the scriptures refer to when it says a wife shall lead her husband by the way she lives her life. No preaching to him, no pressure, no guilt. Quietly live your life the way you feel spiritually directed, and he will have to answer to God for his rebellion. You have the choice of deciding what you can handle and what you can't. You may have to take things off the table.......like......fairness, justification, cooperation, looking for evidence that he's on board, forgiveness without confession from him, etc. Only you know if you can do it, or not. And only you know if you have the faith to step back and let God do His work in your H.

Finally I've gotten to Sandi2. Thanks for being here. Apparently, it has always been there, "periodically" as he revealed. I knew he did it before we were married. When we dated, I explained how my first marriage ended: he confessed an addiction to porn and it led him to a PA. The church does not know about most of this (I expressed some concern & questions to his boss - yikes, in order to get advice about the EA/PA. He didn't have much and did not want to pursue ANYTHING unless H was willing *or* there was another witness). No one else knows, really. Our daughters don't know either. They knew OW called A LOT and Dad was really irritable or distracted but that's long over now.
Yeah, it's far too common - Satan knows his business and his enemy well. We're still attending and he's still serving this and a mission church in Oregon which he visits once a month or so.
Ah the double life. Hard to say. The EA had been building more or less for nearly 3 years. But it didn't really start until about a year ago. Then it ended in July or so. It was tremendous. He wanted to quit everything. His drinking intensified to scary levels sometimes.
Exactly - I think I was that reminder... and how terrible that must feel.
Thanks for those thoughts. You're probably right.
The evidence of the "Stepdad" porn stuff scared me though...