WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

So here's the latest. I did end up deciding to talk to my W last night in order to come clean about my snooping over the past week, the fact that I know she is still in contact with the OM, and my intention to stop snooping after seeing for myself how wrong it was and the effect it had, despite my good intentions of doing it in order to "take" the trust I needed to stay "in".

I told her about this not to try to save the M anymore, but in the interest of holding to my own values of honesty and out of wanting to maintain good will and preserve whatever trust we can in our R, regardless of whether we end up saving the M or continuing with a co-parenting R.

I didn't share the details previously, but what happened is that as part of letting go, I decided I didn't want to snoop anymore, and so I went on to her computer to remove a key logger that I had installed only 3 days prior. When I opened it up to disable and remove it, I took one last look at the log and that's how I saw that she had contacted the OM. It is ironic that I saw this at the last moment while following through with my decision to stop snooping!

When I told her about it, she was angry at first, but after letting her calm down I reiterated that my intention was to stop snooping after realizing how wrong it was, and it was only while removing the key logger that I inadvertently noticed that she had contacted the OM. I told her that I had decided to let go anyways, and that she was free to do whatever she chooses from now on. I no longer need reassurance that she is maintaining NC since I have decided to let go myself. By the end of the conversation I had earned back her trust that I wouldn't snoop anymore, and we were on good terms.

She said that she is feeling certain and final now that she wants it to be over between us. She does flip back momentarily into doubting this, but it was so painful for her to let go that she doesn't want to have to go through it again. She shared that she is very scared about what the future holds. She contacted the OM for emotional support, and wants to have privacy around that now as she wants freedom to if she wants to. I told her that she was always free to do so, and all I ever wanted was honesty. However, she revealed that the OM has actually been distant because A) he has become involved with his ex-GF again, and B) because he is uncomfortable with how messy this has become. So, she is feeling very alone like she is going to lose both of us. We had a nice, enlightened conversation about what we are both learning from all of this, and how it's probably a good idea for us to both be alone and focus on healing ourselves.

Later, she wanted to talk about more details of how separating might happen. We talked about how we might split up belongings, how we might manage the 50/50 joint custody, if and how we could still afford the private school that our son attends. We agreed on a few things, including the fact that she would move out and I would stay her and buy her half of the home. It felt good to see that we might be able to go through with D using a mediator instead of having it turn nasty with separate lawyers. We both have a very strong desire to do it harmoniously if it comes to this. We only touched lightly on the details... perhaps just enough for us to peek through that door and start to get a sense of the reality of what a life apart would look like. There were some areas of disagreement that we identified but didn't argue about. This type of talk seems to be helping me to detach and is helping things shift. It is also alleviating her fears that I might drag my feet and make things miserable for her. She feels lucky and does really see me as a good man.

We both agree that we'd like to take it slow. She acknowledged the remote possibility that we could always change our minds but that all she knows is that she is glad that things are moving and changing. Indeed, I can see that if we both detach and let go of each other, we may feel more objective and in touch with ourselves. Who knows, maybe things could turn around at the last minute, but at this moment I actually feel a bit of relief... I don't think I want to go back to the painful state of attachment either. It would be nice if that feeling would finally stick for me! Flipping back and forth has been very rough on me emotionally.