Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

Kyrie,

I'm a conservative Christian.
I am a porn addict.
It helped to destroy a marriage - my W and I are on the brink of her filing the D.
I'm high sex drive, my W was always very low sex drive. In fact, she considers sex 'icky' and 'gross'. We haven't had sex in 3 years - tried a few times in the last 6 or so, but never were able to get things to 'work' together. Both of us are on SSRI's, and mine helps to decrease libido and orgasms, which has helped me to curb my desires, but essentially for all the wrong reasons.

I can tell you that the anger you're seeing in your husband is the SHAME he is feeling from the porn. He is/was a man of the cloth. He knows the scriptures, and knows that even lustful thoughts of another woman is considered a sin.

I think he needs another pastor to witness to him. It will need to be a 'coming to Jesus' moment, and it might rock his world, or put him on a deeper path for a while.

I've been clean from porn for 62 days. Read Surfing for God - I would recommend that book for him, if he wants to read about pornography addiction, or you reading it to understand what he's feeling. My desire for porn came from 3 underlying issues:

1.)rejection from a previous 4 year relationship in HS/college
2.)Stress - and not knowing how to cope with stresses
3.)Lack of sex/intimacy with W

Now, my W had her own issues which brought about her low drive - self-esteem issues, weight gain, being assulted as a child, and being raped in college. Also, mental health issues run in her family, mostly stemming from abusive alchoholic fathers.

The desire for porn in your husbands case might be different, but he's essentially substituting good relationship (you) for false/bad ones (porn). The shame he feels is so intense he must lash out at others. The battle inside of him is so intense, he's lost his way, and is probably angry at God for making him like this. God created us to be sexual beings, and to have desires, and to want sex. It isn't a bad thing - but I definitely saw it as that when the porn was very pervasive.

I could talk more - let me know if you have questions. I'd like to help you get perspective if you need it.

Just know that many men are dealing with this, and some in marriage circles feel it's acceptable to do in a relationship... while others don't. My wife always felt like I was having an affair on her... but my counter was that I felt nothing towards these women I saw on the screen. Currently, she never watched any porn, but found another couple men over the last 3 years that helped her feel better about herself and filled the emotional holes that I couldn't fill, or didn't know existed. I think some MLC is mixed in with my sitch, too, which you might be experiencing as well. Either way, it was the major contributing factor to our marriage falling apart.

Trumpet, I SO appreciate everything you've shared. Our circumstances are different... but you are truly doing the right thing *and* you're helping me and others. He still is in the Ministry. He is a great pastor and I have always supported him and still openly do. No one else knows all this terrible secret, other than one other fellow pastor to whom I have confided. He does desperately need another pastor but pride and fear prevents that. He has said that a lack of intimacy (full intimacy, not just physical) with me is *the* problem, even though he used porn before our marriage and apparently throughout. He doesn't not (openly) seem to understand how much this affects me and how much it hurts. Maybe he does but cannot face it. Any hint of it causes that anger/rejection response.
I may indeed have questions. Thank you so much. I know it is tremendously hard to talk about but SO helpful. I hope it helps you too.
It is SO pervasive! Our culture is utterly saturated. Its terrifying for me. I'm no prude! I'm willing and eager to please - always have been. But that's between he and me - NO ONE ELSE. So it feels like a violation when there is *every other woman* in the way. I know that's not entirely the reality, but it *feels* that way. Husband and wife are each other's gifts - and that should never be torn asunder and replaced with cheap imitations. Doesn't matter if you didn't have feelings for them - it's still a replacement, you know?