Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

My concern is you seem to think this is an addiction that he needs to overcome to allow the M to succeed. I am probably in the minority here but I don't think this is necessarily the case. My view on this is that nobody's perfect. Alcohol, gambling, drugs, porn, food, social media, internet, emotional/physical affairs, and on, and on. These days there are a million traps people can fall into. And then there are other problems, abuse victims, adopted children, people with PTSD, then people with extreme personality traits bordering on disorders.

My point is I don't think anyone is normal, and to point out someone's abnormalities with the idea that they are flaws and if they simply 'took care of them' suddenly everything would work, well, to me that's not realistic or helpful. I think a marriage involves two flawed people that find ways to make a working partnership. I simply don't believe that anyone that has an addiction can't be a good partner, or that any and all addictions are a deal breaker.

Those aren't DB principles though, just my opinion.

DB does, however, talk to not changing your partner. I grow concerned about the word 'confront'. I will warn you that to him porn is a total non-issue, like if you read a romance novel...but at the same time it surrounds an area more sensitive than you realize. The only reason he is keeping it secret is because he thinks YOU wouldn't UNDERSTAND, and that you'll view it as an addiction, and blame him for the problems in the M. I say UNDERSTAND in all caps because this is probably his #1 hot button, I repeat, #1, absolutely #1...that you understand and affirm his sexuality and desires...which is why I am so concerned with you talking about having researched 'effects of porn on men' and talk about 'confronting'.

My goodness. The gap between how you two see this is so great I'm stunned. I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong. I'm just saying the gap is great. If you expect to go in with the attitude of making him understand your point of view that won't work. Especially not when you don't understand his.

So to sum it up, I think that assuming porn is the issue in the M, thinking you've solved the puzzle, and trying to enlighten him so he changes his behavior and improves the M...that is not going to work. Instead I'd recommend being more interested in what he has to say and how he views it, try to learn from him what you can, and change your own behavior to change the dynamic of the M. And to do so with or without porn being in the mix. Maybe you can find a way to work out a great marriage anyway. Maybe he changes and lets it go on his own down the road as things change. Maybe the M doesn't work. But I think any positive outcome will hinge on a mutual understanding, and since he's not able to step up and lead that conversation right now, you might have to.

Still catching up:
Not sure it *needs* to be overcome... but yeah, it's unacceptable and rots the marriage. Which is why lust is a precursor to other things... weakening the foundations of the heart/soul and is condemned specifically by Jesus Christ. Of course he's not perfect - I don't expect him to be, esp. all at once. But he has to take it seriously and has to realize it has degraded us, and his perceptions. He knows its a sin but won't repent of it - THAT's a serious sign for a Christian. And yes, Pastors are just men and tend to be Satan's FAVORITE target. The insane thing is, porn was also a factor in my first marriage's failing...so many parallels.
He doesn't see it as a "non-issue" either. He ultimately knows its wrong - he doesn't need me to tell him that, I know. And I haven't (directly anyway). He knows it would hurt me to know it, and that's part of his fear/shame. I've always been very open and expressive about wanting him but maybe I'm missing something there too. More on what happened last night later... for now I'll just respond to all of your comments/thoughts.
My only other thoughts about 'how I view porn' as you put it Zues, is that it explains a lot. Like why he's always been rather misogynistic (not that I'm in ANY way a feminist!!), but rather ugly in his attitudes toward all women, why I *never* please him enough (not sexually really) and why all the secrets and fantasy, why he can never love his mother. It really does explain a lot.