Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

Hi Kyrie,

I still feel like I am missing some fundamental pieces of your puzzle.

On reading your comments I am left with the impression that you are both equally diagnosing each other. It reads like you both have incredibly high expectations of what the other is "supposed" to doing as person, as a partner and as a child of god. It is all sounds like hard work and lots of blame.

Zues has hit the nail on the head I think of the quite complex co-dependent relationship between you and H. And neither one of you, H and you, knows how to get out of the problem communication loop. My sense is that H is the externaliser (angry on the outside), while you are the internaliser. I don't know if this is the case Kyrie, but you sound really angry and resentful yourself. Could this be true?

I tend to agree with Zues on the use of porn front. You would be best discussing this with an expert sex therapist or addiction specialist with regard to discussing this with your H. If husband does have an addiction in this area, then be guided by the experts.

Sorry I am not sure if you are accessing IC? I am also a little stuck about why your H as a trainer counsellor is not seeking therapeutic support in this instance. His training surely should be guiding him in this instance. If H is isolating the M relationship from outside influences, the reasons for him doing so may shed a little light on the sitch.

I am also wondering when things were last good between. Also when you and H first got together, what was the attraction? How do you two come to be together?

Feel free not to answer any of the above, but I'm kinda searching to get my head around your sitch. More information is needed I think.

I am wondering if some female posters and vets with MLC experience could pop in a help out. Zues and I have no experience of MLC and would be interested if there are any patterns or signs of MLC for Kyrie's husband.

Tell me a little more about your understanding of Dbing and how you are applying it.

Hang in there Kyrie. Chin up!

JellyBxxx

Try to respond to all of this...yes, we have been diagnosing each other. I do it to understand and formulate a game plan/response. I know I cannot change him. And I certainly don't want to just box and label him. I express that I don't think of him as an adulterer or irredeemable, etc. His words sound like he thinks that way, maybe about himself. Trying not to have expectations. And I expressed that to him, As we go through this.
Not really meeting w/an IC (though he brought that up yesterday!). He doesn't think he needs help. He's got it all under *control*, remember?
He claims things were never good. We've had pockets of good, but it's easy to look back and think it was mostly bad. I could do that too. But I've spent about 6 months going back and realizing what I missed, my mistakes (and confessing them) and realizing he loved me in ways that I did not see. He only wants my love on his terms, and I did the same to him. I expressed that too, but he rejected his error.
Attraction: faith, similarities in music, worldview/politics, Church, family. A lot of shared interests and hopes. The MLC part has shifted all of that - all his priorities & dreams are very different now. Fantasy mostly.