onward - 13

[JellyB]

Somebody that I used to know - Goyte

New Years Eve 4.58pm NZ time

[JellyB]

Happy New Year U. Hope you dinner with your lovely children was everything you hoped for.

Much love

JellyBxxx

[Vanilla]

I see asking for that which you need especially with the children as real strength not weakness.

As long as you have your boundary and are clear and fair, that is true manliness and uber uber attractive.

Time for a new year resolution on it?

Happy New Year


V

[u-turn]

thanks everyone for the new year wishes. it means so much to have you here - more than you can even imagine.

I had a good week with the kids although shorter than I would like - and they said it felt like they just got here. I guess it's a good thing that they feel like time goes by quickly when they are here. They must not dread it.

I had a great dinner with them before they left on NYE - I think they enjoyed it - it was different than I had ever made before for them.

When they left, I definetly fealt deflated and angry. I had bit of a rage and broke some things. I fealt stupid (good thing no one saw it), but I justified it - I have the right to feel angry.

New Years day - a day for reflection - and I have much to reflect about.

I had thoughts of burning this f-ing haunted house down and walking away from it all - just disapearing. But - I know that's not who I am. I have responsibilities. I am not this failed relationship, I am not this villian that I have been painted as, I am not as weak as she believes,

So rather than burn it down, I decided to change it. Seems minor, but it's major to me. I moved all of the furniture out of the kids rooms and am re-painting them, switching them, creating new spaces for them. I am reminded daily of my former life and that needs to change. I don't know if the kids want this, but it is a new life for them too. They will be surprised at least.

I have been accused of not knowing how to relax. On a day and weekend that I could have sat in front of the tv watching football, that would not suite me right now.

--

Jelly & V. I have a feeling that power STBXW will try to bowl me over when it comes to the kids and make me feel like I'm a bully when I want things. I cannot let this happen. I cannot lose my time with them - it's the only thing that I have to value right now.

V-thank you!! I understand this. I am writing my goals so I can see them and work toward them. Not just think them and let them occupy a seldom used part of my brain.

Funny thing - 22nd aniversary, not expecting or wanting any kind of message from WW as she ignored it last year when we were still living together - it was a tough day on a very long list of tough days. But she did text me mid day "do you want to contribute to d15's dress? - you don't have to - just asking." It's a dress for a winter formal dance that they picked out and bought on lay away.

I ignored it until this morning and said "yes. I will" This is for my daughter, and though I have payed her school bills off so she could go to the dance, this is something that D15 cannot see. So I will help pay for the dress.

Jelly - Intriguing slap - makes me think.....

Thank you so much for your honesty and boldness - that is not out of place and I appreciate it - definitely no apologies necessary - I feel like I probably could use some screaming at as well - I cannot be offended.
and thank you right back for being here for me. I really feel like I provide no value around here and only take, but thank you for saying that I helped at all.

I too need to stop the self torture this year - that's a goal (ever so slight and obvious) but I need to move forward and find it very hard to break the cycle the kids coming and going sure doesn't help with this.

I have begun lurking over in the surviving the big D forum - I hear some old familiar voices over there and may move there - please find me there if I do. I may be the farthest thing from a newcomer and I do get punched in the gut when I read the same newcomer story over and over, knowing that my story would not be a success story in their minds and have nothing to add to there stories except maybe what not to do or to really let go as quickly as possible, like imedietly and not try to linger and hang on and try to fix things for months and months, because looking back at that time and wasted effort is just that - wasted and gone.

never going back again - fleetwood mac

Hey - somebody that I used to know - that song never really hit me as anything except some people moving through relationships like warn out shoes. not really putting much value in them - just give me my stuff back and I'll write a song about it. I feel much differently about it now.

Peace & Love to you
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[Fogg]

I can understand how hard it can be to see all the newcomers and think your not a success. Success is not always measured the same. D or R, success or failure could be either way and all the real newcomer wants is some type of reassurance they will get their S back, which is the wrong way to view things. A healthy does of the reality of all our situations isnt a bad thing.

I just get overwhelmed to see the floods of new names that appear and replace the sitches that I was trying to keep up with. Then once I get adjusted to the new set of names and find a few to follow they drop off some and a new flood replaces it. Knowing the pain they're all experiencing is heartbreaking and it never seems to stop. It also pulls me back to my own feelings around BD.

I see many that stick around end up moving to the other sections of the forums and I can see why.

Think it's great you changed the house to suit what you needed. That was one reason I decided to move out. I didn't have anything financially invested into our townhouse as it was a rental and I knew those memories would keeping bringing up the same old emotions. Make it your own, it has nothing to do with that relationship anymore.

[JellyB]

Lovely to see your post U

thanks everyone for the new year wishes. it means so much to have you here - more than you can even imagine.

I had a good week with the kids although shorter than I would like - and they said it felt like they just got here. I guess it's a good thing that they feel like time goes by quickly when they are here. They must not dread it.

Why would your lovely children dread spending time with their love dad

I had a great dinner with them before they left on NYE - I think they enjoyed it - it was different than I had ever made before for them.

What did you do?

When they left, I definetly fealt deflated and angry. I had bit of a rage and broke some things. I fealt stupid (good thing no one saw it), but I justified it - I have the right to feel angry.

Yay some emotion other than sadness! And describing feelings. You're never stupid for feeling this sh*tty stuff U. I am a great proponent of better out than in. It is a good thing that it is coming to the surface, you have held it in far to long. It needs to come out. Suggestion though, break stuff that doesn't matter. Great way to get rid of it all, the stuff don't want and won't go with the remodeling.

New Years day - a day for reflection - and I have much to reflect about.

I had thoughts of burning this f-ing haunted house down and walking away from it all - just disapearing. But - I know that's not who I am. I have responsibilities. I am not this failed relationship, I am not this villian that I have been painted as, I am not as weak as she believes,

So rather than burn it down, I decided to change it. Seems minor, but it's major to me. I moved all of the furniture out of the kids rooms and am re-painting them, switching them, creating new spaces for them. I am reminded daily of my former life and that needs to change. I don't know if the kids want this, but it is a new life for them too. They will be surprised at least.

I have been accused of not knowing how to relax. On a day and weekend that I could have sat in front of the tv watching football, that would not suite me right now.

This type of change is good U. Environment matters. I really struggled living in the homes of my partners, they never felt like mine. I never felt able to put my stamp, my mark on something that they had worked and paid for. I always wanted either something new or something shared. I won't be making that mistake the next time around.

This is a beautiful distraction and hard graft is good for the soul. Enjoy creating something new for you and children U.

I know now is not the time given your financial constraints. But have you ever considered designing something to build and live in for yourself.

Not sure if you are following Mutatio or 2lt2lt but both are tech teachers - I think and are into art and design. You should crack onto their threads. 2lt2lt joked about starting up a welding thread.

--

Jelly & V. I have a feeling that power STBXW will try to bowl me over when it comes to the kids and make me feel like I'm a bully when I want things. I cannot let this happen. I cannot lose my time with them - it's the only thing that I have to value right now.

Well I guess that given this valuable to you, you will be setting some boundaries with STBXW re your contact with the children.Having something you love possibly threatened is a great motivation for acting when it's not your natural position

V-thank you!! I understand this. I am writing my goals so I can see them and work toward them. Not just think them and let them occupy a seldom used part of my brain.

I'm going to try and gather some courage and put mine on my next thread. You want to join me?

Funny thing - 22nd aniversary, not expecting or wanting any kind of message from WW as she ignored it last year when we were still living together - it was a tough day on a very long list of tough days. But she did text me mid day "do you want to contribute to d15's dress? - you don't have to - just asking." It's a dress for a winter formal dance that they picked out and bought on lay away.

You're a good man U. I hope you feel you can make the same request of STBXW when it comes to it

I ignored it until this morning and said "yes. I will" This is for my daughter, and though I have payed her school bills off so she could go to the dance, this is something that D15 cannot see. So I will help pay for the dress.

Jelly - Intriguing slap - makes me think.....

Thank you so much for your honesty and boldness - that is not out of place and I appreciate it - definitely no apologies necessary - I feel like I probably could use some screaming at as well - I cannot be offended.
and thank you right back for being here for me. I really feel like I provide no value around here and only take, but thank you for saying that I helped at all.



I too need to stop the self torture this year - that's a goal (ever so slight and obvious) but I need to move forward and find it very hard to break the cycle the kids coming and going sure doesn't help with this.

GAL will be important in 2016 - we both need to get onto this one. Not a natural thing for either us. I except you to call me on it.

I have begun lurking over in the surviving the big D forum - I hear some old familiar voices over there and may move there - please find me there if I do. I may be the farthest thing from a newcomer and I do get punched in the gut when I read the same newcomer story over and over, knowing that my story would not be a success story in their minds and have nothing to add to there stories except maybe what not to do or to really let go as quickly as possible, like imedietly and not try to linger and hang on and try to fix things for months and months, because looking back at that time and wasted effort is just that - wasted and gone.

Think Fogg summed this up beautifully and I will definitely follow you over to STBD forum. I believe it is a good decision.


I hope to see you back soon U, covered in paint and the sweat of the hard work you are doing. Come and have a beersies ( kiwi for having a beer) with me.

Talk soon

Love JellyBxxx

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly and Fogg, I wanted to thank you for commenting and giving me support here and will get back to you on your comments.

I have run into a little snag - or at least something that I was never expecting.

Out of the blue today STBXW sends me a text message:

"I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you and us. I don't blame you for hating my guts...I am a terrible person for what I did to you and will spend the rest of my time here on earth paying for it."

and an hour later:

"why did I need to say it? I don't know...but it is how I feel. I don't deserve your kindness and I appreciate your willingness to co-parent."

I have been dark with her. Very little communication in the last two months. Though...she stopped by over the weekend with D15 who she was having a big problem with. I was able to calmly talk to d15 and WW to help them resolve it. I told d15 of my expectations when she is at my house and her mom agreed.

W thanked me for allowing them to come over and for my help with this. I felt really proud of myself for my parenting and being able to do so with W standing there. I have a feeling she was impressed.

She knows I am changing the house around, she knows that I don't come to her for anything, but she has asked me for things.

W is has thanked me for helping pay for d15s formal dress, even though I had nothing to do with determining the budget on such a luxury. I will help when I can. There are also extra school bills now that will have to be handled for s18 - I am handling those.

Those text messages may be just to sooth me and trying to say something in response to those things that I have done or am doing for her and the kids - or maybe it is actual remorse.. I really don't know.

But I also really don't know how to respond to this. I have ignored it so far, but that doesn't seem like I should just keep ignoring it.

She's not asking for anything, but I am usually not the type to just let a statement like that be ignored without a reply. Though, I feel like I have moved or am moving to a calm spot and this is not what I expected and maybe not even wanted at this point. I mean, I do appreciate her thoughts toward this, I don't disagree with most of what she said (though I really don't feel that I hate her), but I also don't know if I want to start a conversation about this and potentially move myself away from my calm spot.

I know I don't ask for much around here, but if there are any thoughts, I would love to hear them.

Thank you!!
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[Vanilla]

Note it, make a neutral comment like Thank you.

Move on.

Does this make you reassess the kid issue?

V

[JellyB]

Hey U I'm with V on this one, neutral and staying in your calm spot. You're a great dad U. I am pleased to see you giving yourself a high 5. Also nice to see you post about this.

Jellyb xxx

[u-turn]

Thanks V & Jelly for swooping in!!

Yes I think I will respond neutrally - I don't want to really get into a conversation about this at this point in time.

Likely:

You really didn't need to say any of that, but thank you. Also - I don't hate you.

no more than that. Anything else and something could drag on.

I went to my IC tonight and mentioned all of this, she agreed to keep it simple, but asked if by the way she worded the text if I was worried she was depressed or would hurt herself. I had thought that too. She said that I could mention that she could talk to someone about this and that the IC has helped me.

I don't think that I will do this though.
----

V-From this weekend and this message, I think she must value me as a parent, I know the kids value me as a parent. Unfortunately, they saw the imbalance of time over the holidays and S18 sees the imbalance of who pays for what. I think that I need to hide that better - I don't involve him in a way to make him side with me or change his opinion of his mom, but more to show that most bills are not for fun things (more necessities and daily things). He is going to be on his own too soon and I want to teach him about these things.

Having W & d15 over for me to help solve a problem made me think that I am doing ok in everyone's eyes (including my own) and makes me think that the time the kids are with me is valuable to them (and me) so - yes, I will be enforcing a balance.

Thanks again - I'll be back later to update from before. I have some questions to answer

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