Rain75: New post re: OW

[Zues126]

Not sure what to do since even against his blatant disregard for what he has done I want R, so, do I invite him over once in a while or not if he asks or hints he would like to spend time with us?

I don't think you are ready to do this with no expectations, nor should you.

Would you be ok with him spending time with you if you knew that he'd pursue his EA, and also secretly have 10 text/email exchanges going on with women online that he was pursuing? Would you be ok with taking the scraps that he throws to you in exchange for letting him use you how and when he wants? If you just met and knew what he was up to, would you be willing to spend more time with him?

If the answer is no, then I think that sums it up.

In his mind you should give, give, give, so that he gets everything in the world he needs from you so that he can 'let go' of this other crap. But when it comes to betrayal, you cannot compromise. You cannot live with adultery in your life perpetually. At least most people can't. If you are one of those rare women that would rather be in a lifelong partnership with a serial cheater because you get something out of your sacrifice, I applaud that. Just don't expect anything differently going in.

The same lack of expectations should apply if you refuse his hints or invites. If you are expecting him to 'wake up' or 'see what he's missing', guess what? Not happening, at least not now. Instead he'll likely spew, blame you for everything, tell stories about how you ended things, how he was willing to work on things but you were unreasonable and unforgiving, oh, and by the way it was all your fault that he cheated as well.

Be prepared to withstand that $hitstorm.

I'd personally go very dim. Maybe tell him "You know I am not willing to live in an open marriage or one where trust doesn't exist. I don't know whether that's possible with you. I don't think either of us are at our best right now. We are making decisions right now that will make a severe impact on our family. I think it makes sense that we stop the cycle we've been in and make sure that we're both on our games before going further."

I'd probably tell him that by email, then I'd SHOW him that by going very dim. This is not a manipulation, this is you getting the space you need to do exactly what I said. Expect a SPEW. Expect him twisting your words. Don't debate. Don't argue. That's where he's at. Say what you need ONE TIME ONLY, then let it go, go dim, and start DBing yourself.