onward - 13

[u-turn]

thanks everyone for the new year wishes. it means so much to have you here - more than you can even imagine.

I had a good week with the kids although shorter than I would like - and they said it felt like they just got here. I guess it's a good thing that they feel like time goes by quickly when they are here. They must not dread it.

I had a great dinner with them before they left on NYE - I think they enjoyed it - it was different than I had ever made before for them.

When they left, I definetly fealt deflated and angry. I had bit of a rage and broke some things. I fealt stupid (good thing no one saw it), but I justified it - I have the right to feel angry.

New Years day - a day for reflection - and I have much to reflect about.

I had thoughts of burning this f-ing haunted house down and walking away from it all - just disapearing. But - I know that's not who I am. I have responsibilities. I am not this failed relationship, I am not this villian that I have been painted as, I am not as weak as she believes,

So rather than burn it down, I decided to change it. Seems minor, but it's major to me. I moved all of the furniture out of the kids rooms and am re-painting them, switching them, creating new spaces for them. I am reminded daily of my former life and that needs to change. I don't know if the kids want this, but it is a new life for them too. They will be surprised at least.

I have been accused of not knowing how to relax. On a day and weekend that I could have sat in front of the tv watching football, that would not suite me right now.

--

Jelly & V. I have a feeling that power STBXW will try to bowl me over when it comes to the kids and make me feel like I'm a bully when I want things. I cannot let this happen. I cannot lose my time with them - it's the only thing that I have to value right now.

V-thank you!! I understand this. I am writing my goals so I can see them and work toward them. Not just think them and let them occupy a seldom used part of my brain.

Funny thing - 22nd aniversary, not expecting or wanting any kind of message from WW as she ignored it last year when we were still living together - it was a tough day on a very long list of tough days. But she did text me mid day "do you want to contribute to d15's dress? - you don't have to - just asking." It's a dress for a winter formal dance that they picked out and bought on lay away.

I ignored it until this morning and said "yes. I will" This is for my daughter, and though I have payed her school bills off so she could go to the dance, this is something that D15 cannot see. So I will help pay for the dress.

Jelly - Intriguing slap - makes me think.....

Thank you so much for your honesty and boldness - that is not out of place and I appreciate it - definitely no apologies necessary - I feel like I probably could use some screaming at as well - I cannot be offended.
and thank you right back for being here for me. I really feel like I provide no value around here and only take, but thank you for saying that I helped at all.

I too need to stop the self torture this year - that's a goal (ever so slight and obvious) but I need to move forward and find it very hard to break the cycle the kids coming and going sure doesn't help with this.

I have begun lurking over in the surviving the big D forum - I hear some old familiar voices over there and may move there - please find me there if I do. I may be the farthest thing from a newcomer and I do get punched in the gut when I read the same newcomer story over and over, knowing that my story would not be a success story in their minds and have nothing to add to there stories except maybe what not to do or to really let go as quickly as possible, like imedietly and not try to linger and hang on and try to fix things for months and months, because looking back at that time and wasted effort is just that - wasted and gone.

never going back again - fleetwood mac

Hey - somebody that I used to know - that song never really hit me as anything except some people moving through relationships like warn out shoes. not really putting much value in them - just give me my stuff back and I'll write a song about it. I feel much differently about it now.

Peace & Love to you
u-turn