First of all Happy New Year to you and all here. Happy even though you are here.
Lovely post and very true.
I find myself often reading your sitch, those of Huddy, PP and a few others and have to say, what inspiration!. I aspire to have the dignity, honesty and integrity you have shown all throughout your ordeal.
If I may add my 2 cents worth, I suggest to any newbies to read the posts, the 37 rules from Sandi, the links from Cadet and importantly the books from MWD. This is vital.
The moment you find yourself here a lot of damage has already been done. To yourself, your family and your relationship. We always say here that once you have been BD your marriage or relationship as you knew it is over. Believe me, it is. Period. Over time you will find that sometimes change can be a good thing even though it comes at a cost. Sometimes extremely high.
I have found that once here I went through 4 processes. First was the actual BD, day zero, the SHF (Sh1t Hit Fan) moment when watches are reset and you are lost. Second comes the adaptation to your new life. The co existence with someone else's Plan B against your up until now Plan A and deciding what to do. Third depends on what decisions you made and either include your spouse or a new life. I would include piecing here. Either your new relationship with old spouse or piecing your life back together without them. Fourth is the happily ever after ... until ... Here you carry on DB. In fact you never stop.
To be honest and as many have said, DB is not to be put into practice when things go wrong but should be applied daily. From your first kiss with your spouse to your last breath.
Do not look for a set of step by step rules or do's and dont's on how to act. It is about growth from within and how you from doing A you now do B without anyone telling you. It comes naturally. For anyone who is a father, it is about planting strong roots and letting the child grow independantly, making his own mistakes, learning from them so that in the process they grow from being a son/daughter to a man/woman.
As for you, your humdrum life was sailing along until you got torpedoed. You will now find yourself swimming just to stay afloat. This is where the first days and weeks are crucial. Unfortunately by the time you reach the www you would have worsened your situation and carried out the reflex actions we all have. Do not worry. There are wonderful people here, friends in fact even though you have never met them and never will. This community will stretch out its many hands, pick you up, dust you off, help you heal and point you in the right direction. All you need to do is listen and act.
Whatever you have done until now is normal. Sweep it under and start a new day.
At first many words such as Detaching, GAL, 180, LRT etc will sound like gibberish when all you all want to do is follow your instincts. Your instincts cry survival, primitive survival. As anyone who has been taught first aid or survival techniques will know, trainning will teach you how to overcome many situations. Your teacher is no longer panic but DB. Panic kills.
Many will have heard of the rock climber that had to cut his arm off in order to free himself and survive. In the situation you find yourself in and with help, you will see if you do have the inner strength to cut loose and survive or curl up and wait for the light to go out.
What about your spouse? The way I see it, everything you ever shared, everything they ever meant, every memory you have, pack it in a box, put a nice ribbon, take one last look and throw it out of the window. The reason I say this is that every memory you have, to them it will be different. Everything you ever shared will be theirs if they want it or discarded if it serves no purpose. Everything they ever meant to you will be your achilles heel. Every attack upon you will hurt. Everytime they pull away it will hurt. Everytime they reach out to you will be for their own interest and you will be hurt. Your vulnerability will be played on over and over again until you put a stop to it. And it will be tested in ingenious but predictable ways. They will be like a child having a tantrum to which you cannot succumb or it will go on and on.
You will also change and a lot. You will be weak and find ways of wanting this to be over quickly. You will find yourself accepting crumbs, accepting surreal situations for the sake of holding on to them. You will not understand that in order to win them back you have to push them out. To start a future relationship you need to break off first. To reach light you have to switch off or go dark. None of it may make sense now but in time if you listen you will understand.
You will find yourself snooping to confirm there is instead of there aint. You will commit incongruent acts and live in a world wher logic and common sense have no say. You will have sex whilst at the same time snoop on their phone. You will hear they want to leave yet feel reassured by a hug. You will hurt everytime a message arrives on their phone from OP but watch TV and give a back rub.
Their actions will confuse you and destroy the person you are right now. If the relationship must die then let only one party die with it. Not you. If you have children, you need to be there for them while your spouse is away. You really do not know how much damage they are capable of until you see how they become cold as a parent as well. Kids are no longer untouchable.
Here is where self respect and dignity will come into play. Where you will find that emotional stability you need to grow.
Once you are co exisitng never lose focus of your goals and achievements. Here you will learn the words detaching and getting a life. D&GAL. Many are lost as to its meaning and application. As for me, it meant letting go but still loving. Watching from the sidelines but not jumping in.
To me it means letting the person fall and pick themselves up no matter if they reach out while they are walking away. It means giving them the space to feel free to chose what they want and accepting their decision but not waiting for it.
It means looking at myself in the past and what part I had in this destruction, the present and how am I coping with it and the future and what do I want from now on. Here is where integrity is fundamental. Looking inwards, evaluating yourself without lying to yourself. You may not like what you see but no wound is good to look at yet it is necessary if it is to be cured.
While all this is happening I would say bear in mind 3 things.
First off is that this is only the beginning, and you will need tons and tons of patience for each step and many a time you will want to give up. This situation you find yourself in will not heal in weeks or months. Whether it is your R 2.0, a new R or close chapter. You will feel the effects for a very long time after.
Secondly is the no guarantee rule. Do not have any expectations and take each step forward as a gift and each step back as a challenge. Emotions are unpredictable and the same way one day you were talking about a trip or a new pet, the next (s)he wants out. Work with this in mind but try to keep it as a motive to keep on trying and not relax.
Thirdly is to stop thinking about the past and the hypothetical future. The past is to learn from and cannot hurt you anymore. Stop reliving the sadness of past, the memories had and ask why and how. You only add on more pain to your already weakened soul. Also stop asking what if ... and act as if ... Stop asking questions to situations you cannot guarantee will happen. Stop trying to find and plan "Plan B's" when you do not have a "Plan A".
There is a poster a few of us know that is so afraid of the future he imagines and so tied to past he cannot live the present and grow from it. We call this spinning, going over the same over and over again.
With these 3 points it should help to regain some sanity and plot the future based on what you are doing now.
Then there are loose words some vet posters will say like "Respect". If you have a WS, particularly a WW you will need to regain respect from her and the most common mistakes we men do is become a Mr. Doubtfire. We may impress our WW with our new found or dormant abilities but we will not drop the panties off them by dishwashing. I liked the idea of stop treating them like a W and now like a woman. Start from scratch, do not roll over when they play you but snarl and show your teeth.
One important thing ... I found out from personal experience ... DO NOT leave the MBR. If you have then jump back in. They will put up a fight but the power of a MBR is underestimated. I will only say that 2 days after unilaterally claiming my side of the bed out of the blue without even asking my W moved my toiletries that I had in our other bathroom that I was sharing with my S into the MBR's one. Of her own free will. Until then she made the 2 nights hell by making noise and keeping tv all night until I told her I was there to stay.
For more info on what makes a W tick and gets her to respect you ask Sandi.
Another word for the dictionary is consistency. Whatever you do stay on track and do not back off. What [censored] today and is intolerable will still be tomorrow. Your WS will push your boundaries and you need to defend them but do not give in or slowly they will find a way to bring these down one by one. Let them give up trying to attack rather than you give up trying to defend.
Incongruency is another. Or Logic. There is none if you allow none to exist. If you have WS then do not think them reaching out is a sign for help. If you have been served why go on friendly trips? Why give back rubs? Why hang a picture on their wall in their new home? Why pay for their phone bill they use to txt OP? They are the ones lost, ILYBNILWY says it all. To put it bluntly (sorry) they are saying "..you can screw this picture on the wall but not me. Someone else is doing that already..." As we say where I live ... spend winter where you just spent summer. To let go is hard even for a WS so their conscience pushes you into the friend zone. An area of no confrontation where you get to be the quiet dependable fall back guy. Dont go down without a fight. Let them know the existance and location of the line they wil cross before they are on their own.
One thing, whatever boundary you setup make sure it is viable and enforceable. Don't make threats/promises you can't keep.
One thing I do recommend to all newbies are the STFU smoothies. Especially if you are in CSI mode. Not all WAS are WS, not all TXT pings are from OP, there are sexless marriages without OP, we do have tempers that get the better of us, our S will act irrationally or childishly, etc. In those cases stop, go for a walk and cool down. I cannot count the times I heard the famous pings from my W's phone meaning a message arrived and "knew" it had to be from him, or eveytime she played with phone it was to txt him, or everytime she was late she was with him. When I verified and found out the truth, I realized I was wrong. She may still txt him but didnt those times.
Once you D&GAL, STFU, keep your common sense and gain your self respect you start to change. Big time. Not only does it affect your R with your W but with other people in general. You basically become a great guy. Your insecurities up until then made you either a jekyll or hyde. Depending on your situation. This affects the way your W and those around see you. I remember my W saying she always took the long route home and before entering wondered which version of M was waiting on the other side.
She could be the cause but she only saw my reaction. Needless to say it is unhealthy for any reconciliation or growth as a person.
Finally, maybe the hardest part is acceptance. Take it on the chin and walk away. Get your life in order and organize the collateral aspects of your life like children, mortgage, business, etc and move on. It WILL hurt no matter how much DB you have done but as with all pain it does go away if you stop picking the wound. Let it heal and carry on with your life.
From a personal experience I can say that DB does work if we consider it a tool to change ourselves as people. How we interact with our S's does change and though for some D or S is also a necessary step to take in order to grow, DB gets the ball rolling that would never have in the first place.
I have become more friendlier, outgoing, happier, calmer and STFU'er thanks to DB. I am still learning and still tripping but I have a much better relation with my son and my W is more worried when I am quiet than when I used to go into crazy b1tch mode. I now stand up when I used to stand down and over all must say it is thanks to being here.
I am a lousy point for point analyst and sometimes hit home with a comment that makes someone smil or lifts their spirit and thats fine with me.
As the wise man once said ... Love is a curious thing ... Makes one man weep ... makes another man sing ... I like to think we are the mariachi helping those here to once again sing.
Any way sorry for hijacking with some thoughts and hopefully helpful comments.
