Updated/still thinking about next steps

[Zues126]

Zues,

Thanks for the concern. I was expressing concern for Kyrie's H.
My wife told me for years to knock off the porn - it was hurting her. I didn't. My comment above wasn't in regards to their marriage, but his health.

My wife had a one-night PA - didn't wake me up. Finally, discovering the EA in October shook me enough to stop and think what I was doing was wrong.

DB'ing is EXACTLY what you should be doing Kyrie. I don't think you're going to get your husband to stop the porn by telling him to stop. Pulling yourself away so you can work on yourself, and he might notice. It takes time.

My comment about another pastor is that someone he greatly respects might be another way to shake him from his addiction. His addiction has spiraled out of control.

I'm 8 weeks out, and the urges are much less. Some might disagree that porn rewires your brain, but man, I can tell you from personal experience that I feel different, I think different. I still have urges now and then, but I have a choice to take action on them, and I can think before I act. Before the BD, I felt like I didn't have self-control, and it was my only way to make it through a day.

DB'ing has the effect of getting the other spouse to stop and think about their actions, and then the spouse realizes what they're doing and starts to work on the M and R. The big effect is taking control of what lies before you - the path you're on, and only your path.

Trumpet, I truly understand where you are coming from.

The thing that I get concerned with is the idea of cause and effect, things that are linked deeply with co-dependent people. The idea that 'she did this, I didn't quit, she did this, it woke me up and I did', followed with 'I don't think you can get him to quit by telling him to'.

A better phrase would be 'I don't think you can get him to quit'. PERIOD.

Co-dependent people spend their entire lives twisting around addicts behavior. An alcoholic's wife might hide bottles, confront, nag, threaten, beg, plead, walk away, withhold affection, and try a million and one things to control their partner's behavior.

So, now...who is sicker? The alcoholic, or the alcoholic's wife? They are BOTH sick.

Kyrie has shown extreme tendencies in trying to control H's behavior, and co-dependent outlooks. This is dangerous to HER. When her husband posts on this forum we can help him, when it's Kyrie we need to help Kyrie.

The idea of taking her on her H's porn as if it's her problem, or the threat to the marriage that must be solved if only she can find the right approach...that is dangerous to HER.

Many people confuse DBing with co-dependency. It can be done wrong. If she is DBing with any thoughts of pulling away being a strategy to 'wake husband up', well, that won't work, because she won't really be emotionally detaching, it will be more attachment, more attempts at control, and no growth on her end as an individual.

Personally I think her finding her own happiness inside of a broken porn infested marriage is a better DB goal. How many alcoholics are there that remained married with some happiness in them? Accepting some dysfunction is a whole lot healthier than becoming pathological about trying to diagnose your partner and find a way to stamp it all out.