Happy new year sis! I would read your book. I bet many people would. Goals are good, but don't get down when you get to one that is moving slowly. And some are unobtainable.
Here is to a much better 2016!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ancaire, hope you had a good night last night! It is still nice outside down where you guys so could you get some fresh air for our sakes up here....supposed to be blustery cold all day.
I tell you what....for all my fine words on New Year's Eve, I had one heck of a breakdown New Year's Day. I was deep into "ugly cry"...gasping for air, sobbing so hard I almost couldn't breathe, eyes swollen nearly shut afterwards. My head hurt so badly, I had to go lie down. 10 hours later, I woke up with some very new thoughts running through my head.
I suppose that last breakdown got out every longing, regret, and sorrow I had left. I'm somewhat calm now, but very, very set in what I have to do.
It finally hit me that I am far, far more interested in the well-being of the children than H is. That surprises me, honestly, because had you asked me 6 months ago, I would have told you HE was the better parent. He's always calm with them, always willing to talk. He gives them money whenever they need. I, on the other hand, was a little more emotional, suffering from depression and locked up in my room most of the time. I would talk to them when they needed, but they always had to seek me out. As for giving them money, I never had funds to give.
All that being said, when I signed up to be a parent, I knew it was a life-long commitment, not something that ended the moment they turned 18. I knew that no matter what, to be a good parent, I needed to be willing and able to put their feelings and needs before mine, whenever it was possible. I always knew that parenting didn't end the moment they became legally adults.
So much of this I learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home, the daughter of a raging alcoholic. Raging in the sense that he was either the life of the party, or when angry, someone it was necessary to hide from. Raging, because he could destroy your self-esteem, your peace of mind, and your physical person if the mood struck him. I've forgiven my dad. I know that he suffered from a disease he was powerless against.
All that being said, I knew how I wasn't going to parent my own children. There's not much I can do about being emotional, other than maintaining a tight grip on it, so I don't swing too far in one direction or the other. I am who I am, and the fact that I am in touch with my feelings isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm honest. I feel, and I follow through.
The realization that I was willing to do whatever I had to do in order to make sure our children didn't have to be hurt any more than possible has made me toughen up in a way nothing else could have. Sure, the kids will recover. They'll have an ugly, brutal scar that requires stitches, but they will recover. They could have had just a faint, little scar that healed on its' own.
I was willing to make all the changes. I was willing to do whatever I had to to keep my family together, to keep the kids from being hurt any more than they had to be. H just wasn't. He is so bent on following his new path, no matter the destruction, that I realized his commitment to the kids is just on the surface. He gives them money, because he always has extra. He gives them time, because he likes the feeling he gets from "being there" for them.
His parenting is all about him. If it doesn't cost him anything, he's more than willing to do it. Anything requiring a true sacrifice, though, and he just doesn't have the level of selflessness required in order to do that. He actually had the nerve to tell me that I was being selfish seeking spousal support, because then he wouldn't have money to give to the kids.
How about trading in that $1200/month truck, H? Why do you have to drive the biggest, flashiest vehicle you could find? I'm not kidding about how much the thing costs. It was a $70K truck! He could easily drive something else, but he doesn't want to make that sacrifice so that he has extra money for the kids. He'd rather not have to give money to me, so he's got funds to give the kids. He's unable/unwilling to sacrifice anything on his side in order to be there for the kids.
All that being said, I realize that I am the more committed to our children. I will drop whatever I'm doing, at any time, to be there if they need me. I'm willing to mold myself, to change, in order to keep peace in the house so that they don't get hurt in the fall-out.
This realization has made me determined to completely conquer the depression in a way nothing else would. I am the stronger parent, and I have to continue to be. I can't give up and kill myself, no matter how strong the temptation. That would ruin their lives in a way nothing else possibly could. Believe me, I want out of this life so badly I was making plans to end it.
I realize now I can't do that. They've already lost one parent to extreme selfishness. If I really love my kids, and I do, I have to fight this urge with every tiny piece of strength I can find in myself. That knowledge alone has strengthened me in a way I didn't think possible. What would happen to them if they lost not one, but both parents to extreme selfishness? They would really believe they never mattered at all. That is not true, and it is not something I am willing for them to ever have to live with. Period.
So, the crying jag yesterday was necessary. Every selfish urge drained out of me. I have to be the strong parent. I have to do whatever it takes to be the parent that is willing to sacrifice for them. I have to be the parent that makes the sacrifice they never, ever know about. I'm willing to tell you guys, because heck! I've shared everything else with you - and I know there are others out there who struggle with the same thing.
I had a plan in place. I had letters written. I was ready to move on. Today, I destroyed the letters. I've got a new mind-set, and it has nothing to do with leaving this world any sooner than I have to. I'm going to get as strong physically as I can. I'm going to get as strong mentally as I can. I'm going to grow in a spiritual way I never thought possible. I'm going to do all this for my kids. Because I love them more than I love myself. I love my kids enough to put actions in place that are stronger than any words I can say. I love my kids enough to thrive - because they need me to.
I'll talk to H Monday about concrete plans to get me out of here. I'm ready to leave him behind. I'm ready to leave him to his folly, and not allow any of his actions affect me any longer. I've done what I can to smooth his path with the kids. The rest will be up to him. I will maintain my own relationship with them that has nothing to do with H in any way. At the end of the day, I LOVE them. I love them enough to be who they need me to be.
I wish I'd realized this years ago - it would have been easier on them. But the past is just that...the past. I have today, and what I can do today to be the best I can be. I feel gutted, but determined. I don't feel resentful. I feel full of love and forgiveness. I can start there.
You brought me to tears. This post moved me. See the light at the end of the tunnel and fight the good fight in the name of the children. I am glad you chose to support them. Eventually you will chose to live for yourself also.
Thank you for stepping up and winning this round against the demons that tell you that life isn't worth living. It is a war they declared on some of us. Not everyone will understand the constant battles against a seemingly endless host of negative thoughts and feelings. It can feel so insurmountable that not fighting anymore looks like a dream come true. But those thoughts are just more demons. They can't beat you directly, so they try to lure you gently the other direction.
You're right, a purpose beyond us is the narrative you need to defeat them. It gives you strength. You are not a prisoner to this life, to this pain. You are not trying to avoid the difficult emotions only to be drawn back in to the torture chamber by your tormentors. It is your CHOICE. You are CHOOSING to fight this battle. You are CHOOSING to bear this cross, so that these demons don't do worse damage and cause more suffering to those you love. You will be the mama bear and step right between them and your children. And no matter how it feels, you will have not just your own strength, but the strength of your children, and the entire DB forums, and God himself in whatever form you believe.
I am so proud of you for making the choice to fight another battle. This seems a small thing that so many take for granted. To others this choice may seem to pale in comparison to their ideas of accomplishments, like publishing a book or buying a new truck. They don't know and don't need to know that it is the hardest thing that's ever been done, ever, by anyone. And you did it. Be proud too Anc. Let this continue to give you confidence in who you are as a person. There are more battles ahead, but you will also find love and gratitude that will fill you when you expect it least and need it most.
I would ask that you continue to post regularly if possible. Please let us know how we can help you Anc. What can we do to support you in your journey?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Anc, I am so sorry to hear that you were that down. We are all here because things in life weren't great, and we were looking for support and guidance. But I really hate to hear that you were in that spot.
It's great to hear that you found something to focus on, so you can continue down the path. Kids can be great motivators! And a pain in the rear, but that's part of it too.
I hope that your mind keeps on the track of letting h walk his path, while you walk your own. Keep praying for him. He needs it. Keep praying for your children, and of course for guidance. These times are when faith in a higher power can be a huge help.
Wishing you well today!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Thanks, guys! I suppose the time to worry about me is when I get too quiet. That is usually when I am fighting battles that are taking place on the inside. It's embarrassing - but it is part of my life, and has been for a really long time.
Depression doesn't usually make me this low...I'm just so damned tired. Tired of the pain, of the questions, of the fear. Tired of the self-doubt, the constant thoughts of "it's all my fault" circling round and round and round...I'm tired of being sick, of physically hurting day in and day out. Damn it! Now I'm crying and typing.
I'm staring at a picture of the kids right this minute. Their precious faces, their sweet souls. They are worth it for me to keep fighting, even though I am just. so. tired.
I do pray...I pray all the time. I just don't understand so many things. I wonder what the purpose in making me this way was? Why am I so broken? What purpose does it serve? We all have a unique path, with different things we are supposed to learn. I try and remember that.
I can say all the right things to someone else...and I've got nothing for myself. I'm trying to reach out for once. It's not something I'm really good at - but I'm learning. I don't want to alarm anyone. That scares me, too. So many good, kind-hearted people here.
I appreciate you all more than you will probably ever know.
Zues, please fly down here and kick his butt in pool! I would love that so very much. Then I would like you to take on his friend, too. The friend is much, much better than my H, and thinks he's way too cool for anyone else on this planet.
He's good at pool. He's good at one-night stands with an endless round of women. I don't get it, myself. He's arrogant. I can't stand to be anywhere around him. H wants to be just like him.
It would make me a very happy woman, indeed, to have a champion take them on and hit them where it hurts. Pool. Go figure! You'd look really good in H's truck, I'm sure.
