Rain75: New post re: OW

[Zues126]

Rain, welcome back. First off, you're right about your comment on my thread. You do need to post more. I was trying to follow your sitch. When I read your post today I found myself having to go back and reread your thread because it's been two weeks and it was all blurry. The more we get to know you the better. Situations bounce around so much at this stage that a static picture doesn't tell much of a story, but when someone posts on an every few day basis you can start to see the dynamics in motion if that makes sense. Maybe make a goal to post 3 times a week even if they are short? Just a thought.

Yes, your H is trying to rug sweep in a major way. Everything he is saying is nothing more than an external voice to the internal voice he is hearing from his emotions. For most people they have a FEELING...this creates a THOUGHT...then they consider that thought, weigh it against their beliefs, and choose whether to ACT on it.

Well, H is basically saying he doesn't want to deal with the hard work of understanding where the feelings came from, how the arise from actions and not out of thin air, understanding which of his behavior caused those feelings, taking ownership for his feelings, getting disciplined enough to act in a mature way regardless of those feelings, etc.

It's like he's just handing you all of his internal crap and saying "shoot, I know it's not working right, I give up, you want me to work, you fix me, I'll just smoke this joint over here and watch Family Guy..."

Not only can you not fix him, the more you do to try the more he'll think that he can control you by acting broken, and the more broken he'll act.

My three words of advice here:

1) No words. Actions. You will be tempted to debate with him. To explain your point of view. He will say something RIDICULOUS that is so hurtful and unaccountable and obviously wrong that you feel you can't help but to push the button and point that out to him. DON'T. Even when you think you're pointing out that he's wrong, you are responding emotionally to him and interacting with him. He is pushing your buttons and you are responding and allowing him to. He may not be getting the exact responses he is always looking for, but as long as he's getting different reactions (because you are inconsistent) he will keep pushing different buttons, and he will act more and more outrageously to get those reactions. It's like the saying "kids would rather be praised than ignored, but they'd rather be ignored than punished". I really think you have to be non-responsive and dim here.

2) Move forward with your life. I have written some passionate posts to Jguy about what this means. Please read them. Note, don't TELL HIM you're moving on with your life, because as I said in #1 the words themselves demonstrate the opposite. Instead just move forward.

3) Get a DB coach, information at the top of every page. "I can't afford it" is the response most people give me when I tell them to. This is the same mentality of people in a marriage explaining why they don't have time or money to take trips together or have a date night. But somehow they find time to pay $10,000 to a lawyer and watch 15 years of 401K savings and home-equity be liquidated and dispersed to pay off the 30K in credit cards that get racked up trying to pay for two households for the years while things get dissolved. Find the money and get the support you need. I absolutely promise that if you do you'll never look back in 5 years and wish you hadn't hired a DB coach. Promise.

OK, again, if you read the last few pages of my posts to Jguy and my new post on my thread you'll know where I stand. Your sitch will change fast on the surface, so moving slowly and not letting today's feelings take the lead is key. Instead just creep along, stay dim, post a lot, do a lot of soul searching (without CONCLUSIONS), and breath.