Hi Jelly. I miss you! I'm doing really well in some areas, and completely falling apart in others.
I made the realization that I really and truly understand what it means to be a parent far more than H does. With that realization came the brutal understanding that I was going to have to stop wishing myself dead once and for all. This situation has pushed me closer to ending it all than any other situation could have done. I finally realized that for all my saying, "I love my kids", I was going to have to put action behind the words, and forever give up the hope of just quitting. There are so many who won't understand that. I know you will.
I had a plan. I had letters written. I was ready to put a stop to this pain once and for all. Then it hit me a few days later. My kids are already suffering the loss of one parent due to extreme selfishness. What would become of them if they wound up losing both? If I love them as much as I say I do, I can't even begin to let myself contemplate such an action, ever again. I have to make a sacrifice I can never tell them about. That is the definition of love in a way, isn't it? To be willing to do for others, without any expectation of gratitude in return?
I destroyed the letters this morning. I've given up all thoughts of taking my own way out of here. Now I need to focus on practicalities. Where am I going to go? How am I going to support myself? There can be no more waiting on miracles. I have to be the strong one. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, because I long for it all to be over. I'm hoping now that I've made the decision to thrive, I start making some progress.
I didn't make a decision to just exist. I made a decision to thrive, to really live in a way I never have before. That scares me to death. What will change, though, if I become completely self-resilient? I don't know. It's never really been my reality. I've always had help of some kind - I've never before been quite so alone. I'm not young and cute anymore. I'm older, and not really well. I guess my first step will have to be focusing on my health, all areas. I've known that for awhile, but as long as I had it in the back of my head that I was giving up, I wasn't doing much about it.
All that has to change. Now. There will be no last-minute miracle. It's up to me. I'm so scared I can barely function, so I need to break it down into steps. I suppose I need to speak to H, and work out a plan to have him help me move along, financially. Then I need to come up with a way to support myself without his help. I think that will go a long way to helping me feel better about myself.
I'm not relishing the idea of being poor. I've been there before, and not looking forward to doing it again. It is reality though, that is where I'm going to start. It doesn't have to be where I end up. I can do this, I think - I just don't know how I'm going to do it. THAT will be step one. I need to make a plan.
I think that's where I will stop today. There is so much more, but I need to work on smaller steps.
