Pain? That's what this soul-searing, broken open hole of emptiness, sucking the life out of me feeling is? Pain? LOL
It's hard - to love someone so very much. To think you know them, inside and out, and have them suddenly acting like someone you never knew, someone you would never have wasted a moment on before. That someone is wearing my beloved H's face!
Is it that I really didn't know him as well as I thought? Is it a classic case of MLC? Am I really so awful that I deserve to be cut loose and thrown out like yesterday's trash? I don't know the answer yet. I keep hoping that if I can just get some clarity on the WHY, everything will fall into place, and I can find some peace. Yet, the why, is the one thing fellow DBers tell me I will likely never understand.
That's a hard truth to really grasp. I miss the man I married. Where did he go? How did someone who was so anti-divorce become a person to whom D was the only answer? I just don't get it. I'm not easy. I have health issues. None of this is new. Yet, H now refers to me as "lazy" and "crazy". Huh?
We all seem to be flailing right now. I think we need to support one another and somehow hit on the right way to proceed. Letting go is something I'm trying desperately to do, in spite of the fact it is something I absolutely DO NOT want to do. Maybe it's the fact that I'm dealing with two extremes which is causing all the difficulty? I just don't know anymore.
