Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

This is something I wrote to Anna on her thread and wanted to post on my own thread and add a few things.....

Hey Anna....thanks for your reply. Like you i am embarrassed even mortified by the things I keep saying and doing. Even while logically knowing I shouldn't emotionally I am in pain and lashing out.

He does not initiate coming over. Will hint at it. I asked him over for Christmas. Have not been able to bring myself to ask again. It was very painful to play family.

Before I go into the update with my R sitch. I have done a few different things for myself finally I did my hair. I also dyed it I went to a movie which was great as we stopped going so he could take ow.....I've started reading again which was always a huge part of my life before A started 2.5 years ago....and am in the works Of becoming a freelancer. Which makes me nervous but it will be nice to have my own money again (sahm). Also I was flirted with by a man 15 years younger which made me laugh but also felt great since I stopped getting compliments long long ago. I also called a local martial arts and dance studio and got their schedule and fee information for when I can afford them. (things he would have hated so I never tried but always wanted to).

My take on it is this and PLEASE correct me if I am wrong:

He had the first PA then EA with an ex so they have history. Up until the affair that history was bad. She cheated on him..never wanted children....never cleaned or cooked....spent her income only on herself and more.

After A began through this last BD he rewrote our history from me being the love of his life to a mistake. And rewrote thier history from being horrific to paradise.

Since the BD he has spoken to her (thought she was married but only engaged) and then she blocked him from calling and texting. So the NC they have is not due to him being remorseful and cutting ties. So when she misses him again and reaches out this nightmare will begin again and I can't do this again.

He recently told me the following...

You can't control yourself

I refuse to talk about this again

Why is it you can talk about her all day but never tell me you miss me or the kids miss me or invite me over?

I won't let this be my life where im torn down every day

I have not spoken to her

I did a lot of things wrong and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I lied to the both of you

Please know that I do love you but won't keep fighting about her

I missed her but only the fun we once had that you and I do not

I am sorry...Ive said that but its not enough for you

I just want peace

She never judged me and thats all you seem to do

I know I am a f%#! Up

If i really wanted to be with her I would have and gladly taken all the fall out.

If i come over and you mention her I am leaving

My phone code is for me no one gets to go through my phone

Maybe everyone would be better off if i died

He has not said in actual words or shown me this is over for good. That he is willing to be transparent or that he is over her. I told him i relaize he is most likely missing her and he is adamant he does not because SHE has gone out of her way to break up our family. Lol. Not him but her.

I feel as if he is simply sorry he got caught and has no remorse and doesn't think he actually did anything wrong since the sex stopped a while ago. For which they both take credit. She says she stopped it because it made her feel lile a whore. He says he stopped it because it was the right thing to do.

So, he is correct. I do bring her up. As I do not believe he is done with her regardless of what he implies. He still has a code on his phone which to me indicates as much. And the only good time we have had was over 3 days for Christmas due mostly in part to me not mentioning her. And he was a little more affectionate. Yet she called me Christmas day to tell me hurtful things pertaining to "our song". I didn't let it ruin Christmas and I am proud of that. But when I did mention it he had no reaction other than i can't make her stop. The same man that would fly off the handle to protect her all along is not willing to do the same for me.

Also i don't know why but yesterday I text him (as I have him blocked from calling) and I told him that I need to forgive him for me to be okay again even though he hasn't asked for forgiveness. Then I asked him if he remembered the last time we danced. And how it ended up with us dancing with the kids. I then thanked him for that memory. (since he says I never appreciate him).

He responded and said he thanks me for that memory instead. Told me he hopes that I see we had many great memories and that he would like to make more with me but the ball is in my court.

But I know him and he has told me...us getting back together is essentially me rug sweeping his A...not questioning him ever and being okay with us living separately and him keeping his phone code. And that, I can not do.

Which is why, even beyond my horrible slip ups, that I say we are done.

Am I wrong here?