No dream analyzer here. Just another broken heart. Many of us here seem to be on a dream-phase with our timeline. I keep waking up with a soaked pillow. My eyes look horrible, because all the crying has put permanent ditches underneath my eyes.
I finally made a commitment to live. For a while there, it wasn't looking so good. I almost let the depression win, because it was just so much easier to give into it. To just end this pain. Finally, remembered my kids and what it would do to them. I just can't. I want to - but I can't.
I'm only sharing this with you, because I know you struggle with depression, too. What an awful monster it is! It hits me, D...what are we doing to be happy? That hole where our spouse used to be...what have we filled it with?
Me? Nothing. Just a big, gaping hole of pain. You? You're making progress, but it's apparent that hole is still right in front of you. Let me challenge you. What can we do about it, little brother? What can we fill that hole with, so that we can start moving on?
I got a text, sent as a group to me and the kids on New Year's, too. I need to have him take me off that send list. It hurt so damn bad! All I could do was wonder why it took him an hour and a half after midnight to get around to wishing everyone well. That is not healthy.
According to Pigpen, you can be detached, and still miss something. Go look at what he wrote on Mutatio's thread. I think there's wisdom for you in that. I know it hit me as pretty significant.
Chess? Wow. That is a good game for young boys. I hated it, but that's got to be the girl in me. Neither of my daughters had much patience for it, either, but all three of my sons love the game! With dad being a mechanical engineer, I can kind of see why. They are so much like him.
Oh! My WORST parenting moment, ever? Happened about two weeks ago. I was talking to a friend on the phone, kind of raging and purging all the bad feelings inside. I had my door shut, so thought I was safe. One of my boys came to the door to ask me for medicine (he had a cold) just in time to hear me say how much I hated H, and how I was having problems even looking at the twins, "because they look just like him."
My poor son! If I tell him how handsome he is now, he just glares at me, like, "yeah, right. I know how you really feel." I've tried repairing that, but there is only so far words will go to repair something like that. I am not proud of myself for that. It may be how I really feel, and I did think I wasn't in any way going to be overheard - but I have to not even let something like that cross my lips if the kids are in a 50 mile vicinity of me.
This is so hard, D. Sometimes I wish he'd just shot me and gotten it over with. This slow dying inside. I'm trying, I really am. Some days are better than others - but I miss my old life. I never wanted this.
I know it is exactly how you feel, so please, take strength just from knowing that there are people out here who care about you. Who wish you the best. Who absolutely KNOW that if you can do it, they will be able to do it, too.
