I keep waking up from nightmares like that! My pillow is soaked with tears, and I think, "it was just a nightmare", and then reality hits.
I don't want to go back to sleep, and I don't want to be awake. I try and refocus, to think about what I can work on that day. I spent New Year's Eve cooking up a storm. Then H texted at 1:30 in the morning to say "Happy New Year" to me and the kids. Totally ruined my night - because it was so long after midnight that he sent greetings. I need to ask him to take me off that text list. All I could do was wonder what kept him so busy so long after midnight.
I hate this. I miss old H. I would give my right arm to get him back, and that's saying something because I am strongly right-handed. Current H? Meh. Don't have much use for him. But old H? I long for him in a way that isn't very healthy.
It hurts looking at this person wearing old H's face. I need to get out of here, so that I'm not having to see him all the time. I promised him he would not ever see me again after we were D. Time to takes steps to put that into play.
I so feel your pain, focus. You are an inspiration to me, though. I want you to know that. Thanks for sharing your stories/life here. This is so tough - I don't know where I'd be without this site!
