I tell you what....for all my fine words on New Year's Eve, I had one heck of a breakdown New Year's Day. I was deep into "ugly cry"...gasping for air, sobbing so hard I almost couldn't breathe, eyes swollen nearly shut afterwards. My head hurt so badly, I had to go lie down. 10 hours later, I woke up with some very new thoughts running through my head.
I suppose that last breakdown got out every longing, regret, and sorrow I had left. I'm somewhat calm now, but very, very set in what I have to do.
It finally hit me that I am far, far more interested in the well-being of the children than H is. That surprises me, honestly, because had you asked me 6 months ago, I would have told you HE was the better parent. He's always calm with them, always willing to talk. He gives them money whenever they need. I, on the other hand, was a little more emotional, suffering from depression and locked up in my room most of the time. I would talk to them when they needed, but they always had to seek me out. As for giving them money, I never had funds to give.
All that being said, when I signed up to be a parent, I knew it was a life-long commitment, not something that ended the moment they turned 18. I knew that no matter what, to be a good parent, I needed to be willing and able to put their feelings and needs before mine, whenever it was possible. I always knew that parenting didn't end the moment they became legally adults.
So much of this I learned from growing up in a dysfunctional home, the daughter of a raging alcoholic. Raging in the sense that he was either the life of the party, or when angry, someone it was necessary to hide from. Raging, because he could destroy your self-esteem, your peace of mind, and your physical person if the mood struck him. I've forgiven my dad. I know that he suffered from a disease he was powerless against.
All that being said, I knew how I wasn't going to parent my own children. There's not much I can do about being emotional, other than maintaining a tight grip on it, so I don't swing too far in one direction or the other. I am who I am, and the fact that I am in touch with my feelings isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm honest. I feel, and I follow through.
The realization that I was willing to do whatever I had to do in order to make sure our children didn't have to be hurt any more than possible has made me toughen up in a way nothing else could have. Sure, the kids will recover. They'll have an ugly, brutal scar that requires stitches, but they will recover. They could have had just a faint, little scar that healed on its' own.
I was willing to make all the changes. I was willing to do whatever I had to to keep my family together, to keep the kids from being hurt any more than they had to be. H just wasn't. He is so bent on following his new path, no matter the destruction, that I realized his commitment to the kids is just on the surface. He gives them money, because he always has extra. He gives them time, because he likes the feeling he gets from "being there" for them.
His parenting is all about him. If it doesn't cost him anything, he's more than willing to do it. Anything requiring a true sacrifice, though, and he just doesn't have the level of selflessness required in order to do that. He actually had the nerve to tell me that I was being selfish seeking spousal support, because then he wouldn't have money to give to the kids.
How about trading in that $1200/month truck, H? Why do you have to drive the biggest, flashiest vehicle you could find? I'm not kidding about how much the thing costs. It was a $70K truck! He could easily drive something else, but he doesn't want to make that sacrifice so that he has extra money for the kids. He'd rather not have to give money to me, so he's got funds to give the kids. He's unable/unwilling to sacrifice anything on his side in order to be there for the kids.
All that being said, I realize that I am the more committed to our children. I will drop whatever I'm doing, at any time, to be there if they need me. I'm willing to mold myself, to change, in order to keep peace in the house so that they don't get hurt in the fall-out.
This realization has made me determined to completely conquer the depression in a way nothing else would. I am the stronger parent, and I have to continue to be. I can't give up and kill myself, no matter how strong the temptation. That would ruin their lives in a way nothing else possibly could. Believe me, I want out of this life so badly I was making plans to end it.
I realize now I can't do that. They've already lost one parent to extreme selfishness. If I really love my kids, and I do, I have to fight this urge with every tiny piece of strength I can find in myself. That knowledge alone has strengthened me in a way I didn't think possible. What would happen to them if they lost not one, but both parents to extreme selfishness? They would really believe they never mattered at all. That is not true, and it is not something I am willing for them to ever have to live with. Period.
So, the crying jag yesterday was necessary. Every selfish urge drained out of me. I have to be the strong parent. I have to do whatever it takes to be the parent that is willing to sacrifice for them. I have to be the parent that makes the sacrifice they never, ever know about. I'm willing to tell you guys, because heck! I've shared everything else with you - and I know there are others out there who struggle with the same thing.
I had a plan in place. I had letters written. I was ready to move on. Today, I destroyed the letters. I've got a new mind-set, and it has nothing to do with leaving this world any sooner than I have to. I'm going to get as strong physically as I can. I'm going to get as strong mentally as I can. I'm going to grow in a spiritual way I never thought possible. I'm going to do all this for my kids. Because I love them more than I love myself. I love my kids enough to put actions in place that are stronger than any words I can say. I love my kids enough to thrive - because they need me to.
I'll talk to H Monday about concrete plans to get me out of here. I'm ready to leave him behind. I'm ready to leave him to his folly, and not allow any of his actions affect me any longer. I've done what I can to smooth his path with the kids. The rest will be up to him. I will maintain my own relationship with them that has nothing to do with H in any way. At the end of the day, I LOVE them. I love them enough to be who they need me to be.
I wish I'd realized this years ago - it would have been easier on them. But the past is just that...the past. I have today, and what I can do today to be the best I can be. I feel gutted, but determined. I don't feel resentful. I feel full of love and forgiveness. I can start there.
