Time to make changes

[joss]

Well, just had my first encounter with H this morning. He's on the way to take a trial ice skating class. Apparently he asked Father Christmas for some classes but didn't get them. I have no idea where this idea has come from. He has really bad knees and a bad back, and the only time we've ever been ice skating he's ended up sitting on the ice the whole time. He's always refused to go on the ice whenever the kids have had a party there, so this is a strange thing to want to try. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact I have been taking 2 of the kids there each week since mid-November as they both love it. Maybe someone can see some connection there?

Anyway...... today is the anniversary of H's dads death, 2 years ago. So when he turns up this morning, I was in the garden lighting the shrine candle, as I usually do on the anniversaries and birthdays of those who've passed. H didn't come in the house, just sat in the car waiting for the kids to be ready. When the kids got in the car, I went out and whispered 'Are you all right?', obviously meaning in regards to his dad. He scoffed at me, not saying a word, as if to say what do you care? In my head I'm thinking that this behaviour is a reference to him still blaming me for throwing him out. Anyway, I gently put my hand on his shoulder (he was sitting in the car) and kneeded it a little for about 2 seconds, and then he moved forward to get away from my touch, pretending to put the car into gear.

So that was that. I am not taking any of this personally. I am detatched, but feel his pain and lonliness so much and he seems so trapped. Should I be feeling all of this it I'm detatched? I don't know.

He still hasn't told me if he's coming here for dinner tonight or what time he'll return with the kids today . I guess if he comes, he comes, but I don't imagine he will.

Will post more later, I'm sure! It's still only 10am here, so we can fit a lot more drama into today, I'm sure......