I learned something else about myself through today's pain. I am afraid to detach from my wife because I am afraid that if I do, I will no longer love her. Does that mean anything?
I can relate all too well Mutatio as I had very similar feelings in the beginning. Couple that with my W telling me, "I can tell that you don't want to reconcile because you're detaching." What a combo.
Here is what I can tell you today, it might be similar to you sir and it might not. I LOVE my W. Deeply, and dearly. I am also considerably detached from her. So much so that if she told me she wanted to reconcile this evening I would tell her I have a year of travel that will not be altered first. That's truth.
What I had the hardest time detaching from was not my W, nor my love for her. It was the need to be with her, the attachment to the idea of our M, the idea of being better than I am today because I was M'ed and that had positive social stigma.
In my case, none of the attachment was healthy. It was codependent. Now I still love her, and am somewhat still in love with her, but I also know that I can love someone that doesn't love me back, and love someone that isn't right for me necessarily. Those two factors don't change whether I love her, just whether it's right for me to be M'ed to her. Or M'ed to her right now.
Detachment breeds a new quality to the love you have for your W. A new flavor if you will. In my case it was a purer form of it, a cleaner form of it, and form truly does have a healthier feel to it, although it's hard to articulate.
I think Maximus said it something like "we love each other enough to give our lives for each other, but right now we can't share our lives together." That's not perfect, but it's ball park.
Your love for your W has nothing to do with your attachment to her, or hers to you. It's one of the roads of faith you'll have to walk down in this process Mu, but when you do I believe you'll understand it. The grass isn't greener over here, but standing on it and looking back at my W it makes me appreciate her in a way that I never did when I was M'ed to her. A way that on the vast vast majority of days lets me say with honesty," I'll miss you but I'd rather you be happy over there, than over here and unhappy."
It has nothing to do with her my friend, and everything to do with you.
Peace,
PP
Beautiful post PP, grabbed my heart and a few tears shed. We will think about you in the same way while you are away on your travels. ," I'll miss you but I'd rather you be happy over there, than over here and unhappy."
