WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[Zues126]

I don't feel like I have it in me to truly detach as much as it would take while also still holding onto an intention to save the M.

I agree...so don't hold onto the intention to save the M. Just let go of the 'it's all over' stuff.

Here's the thing: The fact that she has continued to be dishonest while continuing the A violates everything that a M is all about for me, on such a deep level. After all of the recent conversations we've had about honesty, after she has promised that she would finally start being honest now, after she had reassured me multiple times that she has learned her lesson.

I agree. There cannot be a marriage without trust and honesty. In her current condition there is no question that is not possible. Therefor you would have my 100% agreement that it makes sense to let the marriage go and move forward with your life, while setting firm boundaries to protect yourself emotionally from an addict. Where I disagree...

This really is the last straw for me and there MUST be consequences. If in response to this I don't change my actions in some very noticeable way that shows I have self-respect, then how can I possibly expect her to respect me?

I need to send her a clear message that I'm done with being treated in this way, and that I now want "out".

This makes no sense. If you were truly 'out' then what bloody difference does it make whether she respects you, or whether she gets the message? If you were 'out' you'd simply walk away and not look back. Who cares if she respects you? And she'd figure out the message that way (by detaching) a lot faster than if you TELL her something (which shows you care enough to have that conversation- why?).

As you know, I have a growing ambivalence about wanting to save the M myself, and this is seriously going to limit the amount of determination I am able to muster at this point.

I can see you are in pain beyond your ability to cope, and I gather that you believe DB is about desiring to save your M which causes pain that you aren't willing to endure. My first point is that a real man steers by his beliefs, not his feelings. Secondly, there is no reason DBing should in any way tie you to wanting the M back and enduring pain.

I definitely don't think I could last for 3-6 months while she continues with the A. Is there any other way??

She is an addict that you can't trust to be close to you emotionally. While she behaves this way it would be impossible to be in a relationship with her. For those reasons you should let go of the marriage, set firm boundaries to protect yourself emotionally, detach from her emotionally by GALing and rebuilding your support network, do some 180s so you grow into a stronger and healthier independent man, and move forward with your life. End of story.

Letting the M go means leaving her to her addiction (which by the way I recommend you look at as a drug addition or a gambling addition, viewing it that way makes it much less personal and eased the pain for me quite a bit). Letting the M go means grieving the loss of the M and finding ways to enjoy the life you've been given despite this ultimate loss and betrayal. Even filing D could be ok if you're at the point where it makes sense legally and spiritually...filing D is not the same as being 'done'.

So really, I agree with a lot of what you're saying...but you do not need to make any conclusions about the future to do this, and you do not need to try to control WW's behavior. So saying you're 'done' or 'sending her messages' is all a bad idea. I'd actually like you to be done while walking a road that doesn't burn bridges so that if she changed into a person in the future that could be a good partner you reserve the right to reevaluate. You can also know that you did the right thing as a man. Can you go with those semantics?