But she'll say something like, "Okay, I'm just trying to open up communication." What do I do with that? Do I keep pretending like everything is fine or do I take the bait and give her a little truth? I think I should just keep to myself as far as what's going on in my head. Is that the correct thing to do?
There is a "no win" with a WW. That is why you cannot let her words or feelings guide what you do. The best way to handle this statement, or anything else she says that stumps you, is to just say, "Okay", and continue doing whatever you were doing. If she says something like, "Well, aren't you even going to try to talk to me, or you want to play this silly game of yours"? Again, just look at her pleasantly, and say something like, "No, I'm fine, thanks. Was there something you wanted to say"? Just keep calm and collected. Whenever a WW feels the LBH backing away, she will do something to try and pull him in. Take it as a sign you were doing well.
It's so crazy with a WW. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want him getting a life without her knowing every detail. She doesn't want him finding someone to replace her. She wants to manipulate and control him. It won't be until she thinks she's losing him that she'll discover she still wants him. As long as the LBH is attached to her.........he is defeating himself. See what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Zues knows exactly what he is talking about and you are VERY lucky that he is sharing his wisdom with you. My life would be easier if I always listened to Zues. Read his posts and follow them 100%.
One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten on this forum is to make a plan, and then consult your plan and NOT your feelings. Your feelings will steer you wrong more often than not, make a plan. For yourself, for your family, for your marriage. Write it out, set goals, follow your plan. Based on the DB principles of course. Its in the book.
Also, I hope you have cut contact completely with your girl buddy, because speaking as a woman, that isn't cool. I know your wife "started it" and I know in your mind it was "nothing", but to a wife its a big deal. Cut contact if you haven't, apologize to w if you haven't, and leave your phone out to prove you have nothing to hide.
Please keep posting and you will find great advice here.
Thank you Zues126. I have definitely been doing things to make me a better person. Working out and running have been a great stress reliever and therefore enables me to be a better dad. I don't think she's having an EA anymore, but who really knows. I do know that when she makes up her mind, she puts these emotional walls up that are damn near impossible to break through, so I'm not even going there. I'm just working on me as the book suggests.
I'm having a hard time doing, as the book says, putting on a happy face all the time. I'm pissed at her for threatening to break up our family, knowing how much it's going to hurt our kids. That's a hard thing to put in my back pocket. But I know that doing anything but is going to remind her of why she's making the threat of leaving in the first place. So I'm working on it.
Today she said, "Love you, have a good day." Then quickly followed it up with an, "Oops, sorry." (referring to the "Love you" comment. She so screwed up that she doesn't know what she even wants so she sends all of these mixed signals.
Also, we are still living together and taking care of the kids together. She acts like everything is fine and asks me to do things around the house, says she needs help with various things throughout the day/night. Whether that be bathing the kids, or helping with the kids while she cooks a meal, putting stuff in the laundry, etc. Am I not supposed to help out with these things anymore? Would I not be just pushing her further away if I stop doing these things? Plus I know my kids would suffer if I didn't help out because she would get stressed out and be short tempered with them. This is a really tough situation.
Thank you Fo.2. I haven't actually texted with the OW since June and don't have plans to again. It was just a stupid thing I did and realized it was dumb way before it even came up. The dug way back into my text message history which is why she saw it. I have also apologized numerous times but she still keeps trying to hit me over the head with it. I refuse to be judged over and over for the same mistake. Once is good enough and my apology was sincere. Also, I have done what you said regarding my phone and even told her that she is welcome any time to look at or use my phone because I do have nothing to hide.
Thank you so much for participating in my post. I sincerely appreciate it.
What if you're not sure where your spouse stands as far as whether they want out or not. What if they say they want out but their actions say otherwise. I keep thinking of the statement which says to believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. Should I not believe my wife when she says that she's done? My trouble is that I'm not sure how entrenched I should get into my divorce busting activities if I'm not sure that she really wants out or not. Do I try to get a convincing response to whether she's leaving or not? What do you do when you're not sure of the current situation? Thanks!
You are so smart to recognize that you can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does.
Definitely continue with DBing assuming she wants out. There is no benefit to you to try and get a convincing response because 1. can't believe anything she says and only 1/2 of what she does 2. it would be considered pursuing
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