I guess we have to realize that the key to our happiness is in our own hands and not our spouses. Maybe then it will be easier to be ok with either outcome and truly detach.
Jpeg, I'm so sorry for all the suffering you're going through. I wish I could say or do something to alleviate your pain.
For me it helps knowing that although there are things beyond my control, I do decide how I react to those things, and where I put my focus.
I'm not glad my H has left me but it has given me an opportunity to change the things in my life that made me feel numb. I like myself better. I am becoming the person I wanted to be, but never before had the guts to be etc.
That said, your M lasted almost twice as long as my R, so I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to have 30 years pulled out from underneath you. Especially not if you were happy with the way things were.
Keep writing on the forum. Most of my PMA comes from the great DB'ers here.
Jpeg, I am like that right now, it was manageable for quite a while but now my heart aches and I feel like a junkie desperate for his fix. I want to go talk with her but there'll be none of that.
Gmum, I'm not sure that more years married equals more pain. You feel the same pain we do. You may just manage you emotions better.
Pain? That's what this soul-searing, broken open hole of emptiness, sucking the life out of me feeling is? Pain? LOL
It's hard - to love someone so very much. To think you know them, inside and out, and have them suddenly acting like someone you never knew, someone you would never have wasted a moment on before. That someone is wearing my beloved H's face!
Is it that I really didn't know him as well as I thought? Is it a classic case of MLC? Am I really so awful that I deserve to be cut loose and thrown out like yesterday's trash? I don't know the answer yet. I keep hoping that if I can just get some clarity on the WHY, everything will fall into place, and I can find some peace. Yet, the why, is the one thing fellow DBers tell me I will likely never understand.
That's a hard truth to really grasp. I miss the man I married. Where did he go? How did someone who was so anti-divorce become a person to whom D was the only answer? I just don't get it. I'm not easy. I have health issues. None of this is new. Yet, H now refers to me as "lazy" and "crazy". Huh?
We all seem to be flailing right now. I think we need to support one another and somehow hit on the right way to proceed. Letting go is something I'm trying desperately to do, in spite of the fact it is something I absolutely DO NOT want to do. Maybe it's the fact that I'm dealing with two extremes which is causing all the difficulty? I just don't know anymore.
