Devastated after finding hope in the DB process

[Sotto]

Hello LiM, I'm so sorry you are here and welcome to the forum. It is the best possible place you can be at a time like this and the more you post and interact with others, the more beneficial you will find it.

I would encourage you to have a browse around the Newcomers section of the forum, which is the busiest part. There are a number of guys there with wives who are having A's. I feel for you. There is little worse than the hurt and devastation caused by a betrayal of this kind. People don't call it 'bomb drop' for nothing.

You'll be on moderation at first, so it may take a little while for your posts to appear, but do keep posting and you will come off moderation soon. Just thinking of a few posters whose threads may be of interest. Scrant would be one. He is also at an early stage and his W has left for OP, but he is doing pretty well considering.

One of the forum moderators will be along soon to post a welcome and some homework for you. I would encourage you to read all of that carefully. In particular, have a look at the threads started by Sandi on LBH's with wayward wives. What is contained in those will be pertinent to your situation.

The biggest thing I have learned about guys in your situation is that fear can really hold you back from DBing. Fear that you will lost your spouse completely and be alone, for example. I think overcoming the fear is critical. It is important for us all to realise that our spouses were 'gone' at BD and they may or may not return. DBing may feel counterintuitive at times, but I think it gives you a fighting chance at saving your M - and a significantly higher chance of healing, growing and moving on happily if it wasn't possible to repair the M.

One thing I will say is that things take a long time. Certainly months and often years. I think the biggest factor is patience and how long the LBS is willing to keep the door open a little. Sometimes the WAS may turn back to the M, but it is too late and the LBS has already moved on.

The main thing at this stage is to steady yourself I think. Look after yourself and take any early protective measures needed. Other than that, keep posting and starting to follow the wise DBing advice.

Take care xx