Updated/still thinking about next steps

[Zues126]

I tell you I HAVE tried to just validate, listen, confess my own failings, etc. It is NEVER EVER good enough. Which in some ways is the effects of porn - no real woman is ever ever good enough.

I think you're on to something about the porn being something he can control. I don't think I'm the typical man even, but maybe your H is something like me so I'll elaborate. I can tell you that my entire life I have had overpowering lustful thoughts and desires. It is horrible, like having a curse put on me. Kyrie, you have no idea what it's like to walk around all day and fend off desire. At its worst it feels like I am constantly being rejected by every woman I ever see...not because they rejected me, but because I desire what I cannot have, all day, all the time. It was so frustrating that the only way I knew how to deal with it was with porn. I'd use porn, then for a while it was like I was free of my curse. I felt sated, and wasn't walking around with out of control desire for a while. It was my only way to combat feelings that would perpetually torment me otherwise.

So in some ways a real woman may not ever be good enough, because you can't always satisfy him every time he has desire, and 'protect' him from that desire, and you can't imitate the endless variety available through internet porn. BUT...that was never what I wanted in my M. What I wanted was a woman that understood what I'm telling you, and that supported me through that. I told XW that I understood she couldn't do everything I wanted at every moment I wanted it...but that there were things she could do to make that rejection easier. For example, instead of saying "not now", she could say something like "I can't right now. I know how much you need me and if it wasn't for _____ I'd love to be with you right now, but you'd better know I am there with you, and tonight I'm going to rock your world"...something like that. Something to ease the rejection with some affirmation and empathy, and most importantly indicating I wouldn't be waiting indefinitely. I guess it would kind of like if a hungry kid asked "can I have something to eat", instead of saying "no", you could say "I know you're hungry, we can't eat just yet because I have to finish this report by noon, but if you can hold on and watch one more show I can make you your favorite meal right after it's over, ok?" Which is easier to take?

Truly Kyrie, that was all I would have needed from my W...well, that and making the 'lunch' as varied and tasty as possible within the safety of a monogamous relationship

He knows though, that I could pull the rug out from under him and his facades and tell the world what he's done. That terrifies him. I have no way to disarm that feeling for him. But staying here, through all this and taking his abuse *should* show him if I was going to do that, I would have by now.

This is very insightful. You know, one thing I've learned about fear of abandonment is that it drives counterintuitive behavior. You'd think someone that has a fear of being abandoned would be on their best behavior so no one would leave them. But if they did that they'd be perpetually afraid that if they slipped up and showed their 'real self' which they think is defective, that suddenly you'd be disgusted and leave. So instead they are motivated to be their worst self, then they know that if you stick around they are 'safe' because they know if you stay through that you'll stay through anything. It's like you two are tied by a rope, and he's terrified it will break, so he keeps tugging it and tugging it to reassure himself it won't break, and so he knows it's firmly tied. I know this dynamic played out in my M as well.

What does all of this do for you today? Not much this very moment. But I really do feel I understand a lot of this dynamic. In fact, you might want to read my first few threads because it might show you a lot of what your H is going through in his mind. Of course he's a different person, but I will say again the similarities are eerie and in some ways I feel better knowing I'm not completely alone in being the way I was in my M. I think the more you can understand him the better. I don't have all the answers of how to break this co-dependency, it's not black and white. But maybe it helps to at least understand what's going on.