New Year, New Attitude

[ciluzen]

Hi, IP! And Happy New Year! At least, I'm hoping for a better one for us both.

I did accept the invite. I took my dog with me, as well, for a play date. We watched the original Star Wars since she'd never seen it.

She is a lady who is about 4 or 5 years older than D1 and started working for H right out of school. She has never had a boyfriend and just bought her own house last year. It was helpful to me to realize this. I have been so lonely and realized that I have always lived with other people. I went right from college to marriage to kids and never had my own place. But if she can do it and be content, I guess I can manage.

Thank you for the support and insights on my posts. I really shouldn't have asked anything about the VH get together. It sent me into a depression and anxiety tailspin and I'm sure H had an internal reaction that didn't help (not my business, though). No Happy New Year from any of that crew, either. I had sent everyone (except H) Christmas texts and they all responded, but as I sent nothing lat night for NY, I got nothing. Guess I'm done reaching with them.

It is slowly getting easier to not think of contacting H constantly. Or hoping he will contact me. But its also hard not to feel sad when I think of why he isn't. Still giving him space but fighting the hopeless feeling that comes with the thoughts of him not missing me at all. Solo Partner read has helped.

I hope your detaching is going better for you. Popping over to your thread.

[inpain]

Hi, IP! And Happy New Year! At least, I'm hoping for a better one for us both.

Let's hope so!

I did accept the invite. I took my dog with me, as well, for a play date. We watched the original Star Wars since she'd never seen it.

Great that you accepted the invite and even better that you watched the original Star Wars...I'm a HUGE fan!!

She is a lady who is about 4 or 5 years older than D1 and started working for H right out of school. She has never had a boyfriend and just bought her own house last year. It was helpful to me to realize this. I have been so lonely and realized that I have always lived with other people. I went right from college to marriage to kids and never had my own place. But if she can do it and be content, I guess I can manage.

That is good that seeing her living alone gives you some confidence. I personally have lived alone for a couple of years in my twenties. Probably shouldn't tell you, but I hated every second of it, I was so lonely. Probably one of the reasons I'm terrified of getting a D, I know what it's like to live alone and I know I don't like it. OK, I know I'll have two children this time but once they go to bed the loneliness hits.

Thank you for the support and insights on my posts. I really shouldn't have asked anything about the VH get together. It sent me into a depression and anxiety tailspin and I'm sure H had an internal reaction that didn't help (not my business, though). No Happy New Year from any of that crew, either. I had sent everyone (except H) Christmas texts and they all responded, but as I sent nothing lat night for NY, I got nothing. Guess I'm done reaching with them.

Yes, you certainly learn who your true friends are at times like this when you see who contacts you and who doesn't.

It is slowly getting easier to not think of contacting H constantly. Or hoping he will contact me. But its also hard not to feel sad when I think of why he isn't. Still giving him space but fighting the hopeless feeling that comes with the thoughts of him not missing me at all. Solo Partner read has helped.

I hope your detaching is going better for you. Popping over to your thread.

I'm glad you're finding it easier to not contact H. It is the most difficult thing ever, to not contact the person you love who you used to be able to contact whenever you liked and as often as you liked. You are being so strong!

[ciluzen]

Im glad you're finding it easier to not contact H. It is the most difficult thing ever, to not contact the person you love who you used to be able to contact whenever you liked and as often as you liked. You are being so strong!

It is sort of getting easier, but the bursts of anger, confusion and pain(sadness) are still very much there. My IC said to recognize them, feel them, name them, and move on to a positive thought. In that vein:

New Years, I had a nice time with lady from office. Anger and pain at knowing H was at VH with people who were once friends kept creeping in, making me tired. I slept through part of our movie off and on. I drove home and slept.

The next day it was freezing out but beautiful blue skies. I had an emotional call w/ D1 in which I ended up venting my anger about the New Year's situation and becoming emotional. I apologized. I was in a hurry trying to go to a meetup that I needed like a life-line and was nervous but excited. That plus the night before's anger blew up on D1.

The meetup went very well. There was another lady there that I had met before and enjoyed so that made me happy, as I can see us being friends. There was a man sitting across from me who was very funny and personable and I practiced my new skill of making eye contact, smiling and validating with him and he started hitting on me! Not that I need to complicate things, but as s person who never really had a relationship or dated before meeting and marrying H 26 years ago, I needed to feel attractive and that was an ego boost. I left feeling happy.

I watched some TED talks later that eve on happiness, mindfulness, and positive thinking. That helped me to feel more at ease and positive. I was able to feel that I could stop trying to live in the future or past, stop worrying about things I had no control over and realize that what has been said on these boards about just working on YOU really was all that I could do.

The good calm feelings carried over to the next morning, when I met with D1 and SIL to see the new Star Wars movie. Unfortunately, D1 had to tell me that the day before she spoke to H and related how Bubbles' H was hurt while skiing (shouldn't have wished for bad karma on them...) with my H. Enter thoughts of H and VH party. Sadness and anger kept washing over me during movie. Good movie, though.

After movie, I saw that H had tried to call. I waited til I was driving home from D1's house to call him back. I DBed by being elusive in my answers to his questions (where are you, what were you doing, how was New Years, etc) but couldn't muster upbeat or friendly. I came off I'm sure as cold and mad (anti-DB as well). He talked about what to do about D2's car situation and I answered vaguely and hung up. Then felt bad.

I called him back and apologized for sounding ...mean. H's reply was that I could sound however I wanted to sound. So, I told him I didn't want to sound that way at all. That wasn't how I felt. I then told him D1 and I had gone to see Star Wars. He said he knew because before I called back he had spoken to D1 and she told him. He then said he was thinking as he left the ski hill of calling to see if I wanted to see that movie. I was taken aback by that. I let him know I would have loved that.

He also said he searched both parking lots for my car, as I had said I might ski this weekend. I told him it was too cold for a fair weather skier like me, but I would probably go next weekend since it is supposed to be warmer. Our conversation went on a bit more, and more pleasant.

So. Once again, what have I learned? Stick to the rules. Read them every day. GAL helps with you finding you and with positive feelings. Cheerful and upbeat interactions. Choose to be happy. No expectations. And, from today's church sermon (which I really need to chew on); forgiving another person is hard enough, forgiving yourself for your part in the situation is hardest of all. Be gentle with yourself.

[ciluzen]

I'm already tired of this limbo, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I hate looking at his clothes in the closet, pictures on the walls, just stuff that is surrounding me making it feel as if he is on a vacation. I've started the process of taking his sports memorabilia and pictures off of the wall. My entire library wall surface is covered with that. I removed our wedding photo and pictures of us off of the hallway wall. I don't want to see them right now.

What prompted this? My conversation on Saturday with H. D1, the fixer daughter, said that was nice but not to get my hopes up. D2, who keeps her distance and doesn't weigh-in much anyway (as she shouldn't) but is very good at understanding psychology, told me that she doesn't understand why he would say that (the Star Wars offer) other than that, when it seems that I'm starting to do ok and be happy without him, he throws a teaser at me to keep control. D1 chimed in, that she had told him the day before that she was taking me to see the movie, so why WOULD he say he was thinking of taking me but oh well. TEMP CHECKING?

So tired of trying to detach but allowing myself to be pulled in (usually my own fault). Not ready to go dark, but I'm boxing up his stuff today. Out of sight might help with out of mind.

[ciluzen]

Couldn't quite bring myself to move the clothes out of the closet. The pictures of him and the things he loved are down, so at least I won't be seeing him smiling out at me everywhere I turn.

I don't call or text unless I have to. I still find myself obsessing over thoughts of him and what he might be doing, who he is doing it with, what he is thinking or feeling, and what his motivation might be or have been for every word or action I have seen or heard.

I am not very in control of my emotions, although I am getting better at controlling my reactions. I am having longer periods of time not feeling down. I am back at work, so I do have that life to help keep me together.

I can't believe he's really only been moved out just 3 months. There are people on these boards who have been separated for 2 years or more. I can't even fathom it.

[JellyB]

Lovely Cilu,

Big beautiful, brave actions from you, and a great use of Limbo.

I remember I shared in the beginning my absolute fear and pain of being in Limbo, and the waiting and wanting for change, for things to better, for things to change, for Mr Ex to realise it was all a mistake.

V wrote me this in response to hearing my pain. It provided me with some relief at the time.

"So Limbo you mentioned that earlier in a post. Limbo is a holding place for innocents who have died without knowing their higher power, new borns for example. it is a good place of care and calm befitting innocents, a safe place. Innocents who need gentleness because of their lack of knowing." Vanilla

I started thinking of Limbo like this, a place of my innocence. I had contributed to my sitch for sure, but it was unintentional and without maliciousness. I did what I knew how to do.

I decided Limbo would be a calm and gentle place to find my knowing. Knowing how to be ME, just plain little old ME, how to ME without Mr Ex, knowing how to take the next steps.

There is more calm and gentleness in Limbo than we think and feel. Often because the grief and loss are so overwhelming.

Everyday Cilu you are little stronger, a little closer to a better knowing of yourself. That can only be a good thing.

What you have done today is as I said big, beautiful and brave.

Take some time to feel just how much courage it took to do what you did today and feel your strength and feel proud.

If I don't post,it's not because I'm not reading. It's because you have all the support and good advice from others here who are in the trenches walking right beside you.

Much love ((((Cilu)))))

JellybXXX

[Ancaire]

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

[ciluzen]

Lovely Cilu,

Big beautiful, brave actions from you, and a great use of Limbo.

I remember I shared in the beginning my absolute fear and pain of being in Limbo, and the waiting and wanting for change, for things to better, for things to change, for Mr Ex to realise it was all a mistake.

V wrote me this in response to hearing my pain. It provided me with some relief at the time.

"So Limbo you mentioned that earlier in a post. Limbo is a holding place for innocents who have died without knowing their higher power, new borns for example. it is a good place of care and calm befitting innocents, a safe place. Innocents who need gentleness because of their lack of knowing." Vanilla

I started thinking of Limbo like this, a place of my innocence. I had contributed to my sitch for sure, but it was unintentional and without maliciousness. I did what I knew how to do.

I decided Limbo would be a calm and gentle place to find my knowing. Knowing how to be ME, just plain little old ME, how to ME without Mr Ex, knowing how to take the next steps.

There is more calm and gentleness in Limbo than we think and feel. Often because the grief and loss are so overwhelming.

Everyday Cilu you are little stronger, a little closer to a better knowing of yourself. That can only be a good thing.

What you have done today is as I said big, beautiful and brave.

Take some time to feel just how much courage it took to do what you did today and feel your strength and feel proud.

If I don't post,it's not because I'm not reading. It's because you have all the support and good advice from others here who are in the trenches walking right beside you.

Much love ((((Cilu)))))

JellybXXX

Thank you again, JB for a helpful and loving post. I feel I tend to look forward to your words of wisdom to calm me down and give me comfort.

I have taken most of H's stuff now and moved it down to our (mostly empty) lower level. Our guest room and Ds' rooms as well as a common area are down there. All of the rooms are empty. It is a very large empty part of the house. I'm realizing more and more that I can not stay here alone...too isolated, too far away from town, too big for one person.

As excited as I am for D1 purchasing her own house, I am also realizing that it is in the next city and state over. She will be an hour and a half away, now. But 10 minutes from her in-laws. I am truly starting to feel abandoned and alone, as much as I'm trying not to have a pity party.

I am not sure how I feel about moving H's stuff. It feels right for now...but also somewhat wrong at the same time.

I'm beginning to really see my part in our relationship problems and how much pain they caused him. This is actually making it easier to forgive him, and others, for the pain I felt they were causing me. Also for the anger I felt due to that pain. I am not saying that H's actions and reactions were good and right; I'm just saying I now understand my part in how he was feeling, and why he might have made those choices. I also acknowledge that he may have his own guilt, anger, and sadness surrounding his actions. It is a learning process that I wish I could tell him about, but that is the problem right there. I have never been a good listener. I was always trying to "communicate" and "be open with my feelings", but not really listening or taking the time to listen to him and show that I understood his feelings. How lonely did I make him feel? How misunderstood?

I am working on this skill now. I feel that the lack of this skill, combined with me not reaching out to other people on my own, is why I have few close friends. Why I feel so alone.

I will listen to you, JB. I really, do appreciate your words and those of others on these boards. It is still a struggle to not call H, or think about when I will see him next, but I know that I can't keep doing what I was because I was merely existing in the world; not really participating much. I will try to use this Limbo to work on me...to become a better me.

[ciluzen]

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

This is a very helpful list, Ancaire. It is worth using as a checklist in the morning and evening to keep us on track with our goals. Thank you for sharing.

[ciluzen]

Not sure what happened, but I suddenly feel as if a large part of the burden I've been carrying has lifted.

Was it the church sermon on forgiveness?
Me removing all of H's pictures and possessions from my sight?
My several small revelations while researching communication skills and how my lack of them affected my H?
Each positive interaction with new friends at my meetup activities?
My new attitude of letting things go, not trying to control everything around me?

I know I am growing rapidly as a person, but I am surprised by the actual "pop" that occurred in my mind Monday. And then all of my anger and jealousy was gone. Just vanished. I could actually breathe again. I felt lighter. I even expected the feeling to disappear by morning and it didn't. It still hasn't.

I still miss H. I still want him to come back to me. The NEED for him is quieter in my head. The thoughts of him are not encased in a shroud of despair...I am not encased in that shroud either.

I have things to do...for me. I look forward to growing the new friendships I am making, and thanking those people for the pleasure of their time and company. I am finding it easier now to think of new things to try, or maybe the fear of trying new things is leaving me. I know I can do them by myself, as well.

All of this is making it easier to wait and see if DB will have an effect. To be patient. Am I detached? Not yet. I think I understand the part I have played in making our R un-workable. I can and will change this part of me. The rest I realize I cannot control, so I have no desire to even try. I have let that go, along with the negative feelings.
I don't know what is coming. I'm just going to take each day as it comes and work to fill it with things I want to do or work on. I don't know why the "pop" happened Monday. But life just got easier.