Updated/still thinking about next steps

[kyrie]

ugh, he keeps walking in...codependent, probably. He's been depressive most of his life & he knows that but has never dealt with it. Self medicates quite a bit though! In a way I think he does want to do the right thing (which is why he didn't file for divorce only threatened it in order to make me change).
I tell you I HAVE tried to just validate, listen, confess my own failings, etc. It is NEVER EVER good enough. Which in some ways is the effects of porn - no real woman is ever ever good enough.
I am often the more *desirous* than he is, again, porn has destroyed the pleasures of real intimacy that way. When he was still talking to OW every night I'd try to seduce him or ask him outright but he turned it down. Then more recently he was very horny, but always said afterword that he was just scratching an itch or not to touch him again. So what do I make of that? I told him how hard that was on me. a lot of interruptions today...
He knows exactly how I feel and that I'm the one who cares & wants the marriage, so he can easily pull my strings, push the guilt buttons and make me *try harder* because that's his only means of power here. I think JellyB knows that pathology well. Deep down I think he does want to be a good, honorable man of integrity. I've tried to tell him that's how I see him and think of him. He knows though, that I could pull the rug out from under him and his facades and tell the world what he's done. That terrifies him. I have no way to disarm that feeling for him. But staying here, through all this and taking his abuse *should* show him if I was going to do that, I would have by now.