Early hours of the morning and finally giving in to total despair. Collected son after he went out late for first time. No idea what W has been doing, don't want to speculate as it would be too painful. Today she'll celebrate her birthday with S and family. Feels like 2016 is starting by reminding me of what I have lost. I've been trying to move forward these last months but today just makes me realise that I'm alone while she has the OM. Still love her so all my successes at detachment feel pointless. Does anyone have any success at DBing or are we just trying to rebuild ourselves?
Not a lot of success if you measure it by how many WW's in active affairs suddenly decide to recommit to their marriage prior to the D. There is some, most of those people move to piecing forums or quit posting. But the harsh truth is that DBing was aimed towards how to improve problem marriages, not how to turn back the hands of time. While there is a LRT for marriages that have fallen to this point it was a small part of the book, and it fully disclosed there may be nothing that can be done. Unfortunately 95% of the posters here join when there M is at that point or further gone. By the time a WAS has an affair partner and has decided on the D it is very difficult.
On the flip side, the LBS's also have a high give up rate. I've seen so many people abandon DBing and just embrace the D so they can get 'closure', and also so they have permission to rebound and medicate with another relationship. I mean, if someone told you that you'd have the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with WAW, BUT- it would be in 3 years, it would be after she had two 15 month relationships with other men, and it would be after you went through years of pain and grieving...would you be willing to give the M another chance (provided of course you both had grown up a bit)? Most LBS's just aren't willing to do that. They want to stand by their M, as long as that means getting what they want right now, avoiding the pain of the grieving process, and having all of their needs met immediately. Sorry, that's not how this works.
As for WW having OM, I get the envy of having someone there trying to do everything loving they possibly can to help you get over your ex. That is why rebounds are so common. If you are looking 3-6-9 months down the road they even make sense. It will dull the pain, and it will distract you. The problem is that relationships have a way of getting sticky, and it's too often that these turn into new marriages or things along that line, and being built on fantasy on the ruins of a former marriage that hasn't been dealt with, with split families, and partners that don't have good relationship or commitment skills...this is a set up for a total wipeout, one that will hurt everyone in it as well as the children.
So cliff notes- if there's a meteor heading towards earth and we find out we have 16 days to live, by all means rebound away. Assuming you want your life to gradually trend in a more positive direction, pass. Also, we have to do what's right even when it doesn't feel like it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
