Hello Scrant - don't despair. You have people here. I know how you are feeling. Last year I was about same timeline as you. I felt so alone and could not bear the thought of a new year without H. This year I am still without him and he is with OW but I do feel better It may not be the success story you want to hear because our M has not been reconciled but I am better. I still hope for a R with H but I have learned to live without him I won't give up on my M but over this year I have learned not to give up on MYSELF. We can all look forward to a better New Year
Scrant, I'm sorry you had a rough night. I think the festive season/New Year does bring up all sorts of emotions and it is early in your sitch, and still raw. Plus your W's B'day - all completely understandable. You ask why you are DBing and are you just trying to save you? Well, I think you're hoping you may do both. I would love to wave a wand and have all our WAS's turn back - but we all are where we are - and the only way through truly is through.
What I can tell you is that the pursuit can be the thing that can bring the M. to an end - the 'we know what doesn't work' thing. And that the best chance we all have to save our M's will also mean we save ourselves. But none of this happens overnight and going through it is tough. And to say it's tough, we can all nod - but living it is really tough and we've all had moments like yours where despair sets in. Please have another look at the rules - in particular the one about no matter how bad things seem....not to despair. Sitches return from all sorts of seemingly dire places. Not saying yours is dire BTW...
Now, it's the first day of the new year and it's your W's B'day. I'm hoping you can send her brief B'day wishes if you haven't done so already - and then get on with your day. I'm hoping you can make today all about you and your life going forwards. Do you have something social planned? Company of family or friends? If you haven't - then it's worth bearing in mind that for any dates like this one, having plans for yourself is good and it pays to think ahead. If you don't have social plans, then I'm hoping you'll have a think about GAL. For January, why not come up with a regular GAL activity for yourself. Something you would like to do, that gets you out of the house, that gets you in the company of others, that extends you a little. Please give it some thought and let us know what you have planned.
Also know that if you stay on this path, you will be feeling much, much better by next New Year - whatever your W may be up to. I'm living proof of that my friend. I just had a pleasant new year, with some thought of H - and I will text him HNY later - but not thoughts that ruin my day...
You'll get there Sweetie. Oh, and the big thing to remember - if you feel desperate, post here, or reach out to others. But WRT to your W - do nothing. I've never regretted the times I have done nothing...
Happy New Year my friend and I hope it will be a good one for you - despite the circs with your W. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks everyone for the comforting words. I did send W a brief Happy birthday message and she wished me a HNY with a kiss included. As for GAL at the moment I'm a bit stumped. I really don't know what I would like to try. The running is fun but solitary. I'm living in a foreign country where most people have grown up together and are used to the concept of the group from childhood and school onwards. Kinda of hard to break into at times. Most of our friends came from W who was the outgoing one, others have their own families etc. Today when S goes for family lunch I'll just put on the tv, cook a bit and then read my new mindfulness book and see if that helps live in the now. I'm not pursuing in anyway, as I hope my posts have shown, but resisting W trying to cake eat with a happy family in reserve. The last time we spent any significant time together she cried on my shoulder! On the 6th here the kids celebrate with presents. Another mine field to negotiate before some sort of normality. I'm desperate to sort out finance asap with W to have no more reasons for meets for a while.
Hi Scrant - a running group perhaps? Or social activities linked to work? Regular cooking class? Join a gym? Support group? Volunteering? I think it is important to think of options and extend yourself. If your W was always the one to reach out, perhaps it would be a 180 for you to do the same? Start to build your own networks. Whatever the culture where you are, it's possible and there are always people keen to make friends.
So.....looking forward to hearing about your January option my friend....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Early hours of the morning and finally giving in to total despair. Collected son after he went out late for first time. No idea what W has been doing, don't want to speculate as it would be too painful. Today she'll celebrate her birthday with S and family. Feels like 2016 is starting by reminding me of what I have lost. I've been trying to move forward these last months but today just makes me realise that I'm alone while she has the OM. Still love her so all my successes at detachment feel pointless. Does anyone have any success at DBing or are we just trying to rebuild ourselves?
Not a lot of success if you measure it by how many WW's in active affairs suddenly decide to recommit to their marriage prior to the D. There is some, most of those people move to piecing forums or quit posting. But the harsh truth is that DBing was aimed towards how to improve problem marriages, not how to turn back the hands of time. While there is a LRT for marriages that have fallen to this point it was a small part of the book, and it fully disclosed there may be nothing that can be done. Unfortunately 95% of the posters here join when there M is at that point or further gone. By the time a WAS has an affair partner and has decided on the D it is very difficult.
On the flip side, the LBS's also have a high give up rate. I've seen so many people abandon DBing and just embrace the D so they can get 'closure', and also so they have permission to rebound and medicate with another relationship. I mean, if someone told you that you'd have the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with WAW, BUT- it would be in 3 years, it would be after she had two 15 month relationships with other men, and it would be after you went through years of pain and grieving...would you be willing to give the M another chance (provided of course you both had grown up a bit)? Most LBS's just aren't willing to do that. They want to stand by their M, as long as that means getting what they want right now, avoiding the pain of the grieving process, and having all of their needs met immediately. Sorry, that's not how this works.
As for WW having OM, I get the envy of having someone there trying to do everything loving they possibly can to help you get over your ex. That is why rebounds are so common. If you are looking 3-6-9 months down the road they even make sense. It will dull the pain, and it will distract you. The problem is that relationships have a way of getting sticky, and it's too often that these turn into new marriages or things along that line, and being built on fantasy on the ruins of a former marriage that hasn't been dealt with, with split families, and partners that don't have good relationship or commitment skills...this is a set up for a total wipeout, one that will hurt everyone in it as well as the children.
So cliff notes- if there's a meteor heading towards earth and we find out we have 16 days to live, by all means rebound away. Assuming you want your life to gradually trend in a more positive direction, pass. Also, we have to do what's right even when it doesn't feel like it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hang in there Scrant. Taking some of Sotto's advice would probably be good for you. I joined a running group, I find it to be going well. I also started running with a coworker at lunch a few times a week. Hard to keep up with him but he pushes me!
Great post Zues. Very applicable to many situations here, very applicable towards mine. I am glad I stumbled in here to read it this morning.
Today I reached out by texting a workmates group to see if anyone fancied a lunchtime drink. Got back two invitations to lunch which meant when W collected S I was out having lunch with a family of sixteen people. It was fun and I would never have done it before. As always thanks for all the advice and comments. I get that most WWs don't come back and the best thing I can do is to keep building on the detaching I've done and to continue not let her cake eat. The little contact we have had has shown me that she has feelings for me but her long standing obsession is still stronger. Who knows what the future will bring? Her own family don't think it will last but I certainly won't pursue like I did at the beginning. I have enough problems working on myself each day.
Good for you Scrant. I'm glad you reached out and got a positive response. One thing I have found is that GAL leads to more GAL. For instance, I was at the bookstore (volunteering GAL) and a guy told me about this regular Irish music evening. Once you put yourself out there and chat to people, they start to tell you about other things. That has happened many times to me now.
One thing that has helped me too is to have a policy of 'accept all invites' and it has pushed my boundaries out and meant I have done various things that I might have declined before. All of which helps grow confidence and 'shrinks' the sitch in the context of the rest of your life.
Sounds like a great start to the new year my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Quiet few days at home with S, trying out receipes and watching sport with him. Sent an email to W to try to arrange time to finalise financial details. She rang me back straight away for a cheery 8 minute chat. How was Xmas? What presents did you get? etc. Funny story about her getting lost with S the other day. Tried to keep to details but she just wanted to chat. She has to give me some money in cash and wanted to meet this afternoon but as we're going to a bank tomorrow I said no need. Had I seen various tv programmes? Will I record them for her and she can't get them? She sounded friendly and cheerful. Hard call to take as it just reminds me I miss her.Early days but I still can't move past I love her and would like to have kept talking and said yes to everything.Didn't and know I have to think about me and S. It was a brief reminder of the life I used to have.
