do nothing or what

[Zephyr]

Hey roiste, thank you for posting again on my thread, you have been a good friend to me.

I hope to hell you are looking to take care of yourself...new year, clean slate right?

Wish you coukd make it for new years football at casa de zephyr, would be a hoot!

[roist]

Thank you to those who posted recently on my thread. It us appreciated and I reflect on the observations.I hope to reply to each soon.

I am OK and I am concentrating on me for the moment.

Last year a lot of my energy was used up just to get through....ii was surviving. This year I intend to live. Like all change this will take time but I am on my way.

I also have a roadmap to becoming a better me. I thought I was well on my way but again I think I need to keep focused more on that and not get side tracked. This will also take time, but I kinda like the guy in the mirror already and that is after years of detesting him.

Regardless of the outcome and any mistakes along the way I am proud of my stand. It seemed to be like standing in the ocean and getting pushed back by the waves. Some knocked me down, others flow past.
I have not backed down from it and I still face it head on. I think that just being able to resist was good. Now i think i want to start swimming. Stsnding has made me stronger, now maybe it is time to mive forward.

I had slipped on some of my initial 180s, not major, but enough for me to step back and review and now press reset.

My main challenge will be to be truly happy. I am doing what I want with people I like spending time with. But I fall short of real happiness.
I hope to figure that out this year too. But I am doing more stuff with more people and enjoying myself more than I have in years.

That was a longer post than planned.

Happy thoughts friends.

[Ancaire]

Roiste - I've been going through various threads and trying to offer support - but I'm often at a loss for words. This morning I found the following gem on the MLC threads, and I'm sharing it wherever I think it may help. It certainly helped me take a step back and redefine what I'm trying to accomplish. I hope it helps you, too.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

[Mowgli]

Roiste,

I'm not an expert, but I think you're on the right track having that talk with your W.

Your needs in the R aren't being met; that is clear. I'm glad that you have made the resolution to live your life fully and completely.

Someone once told me that a strong M comes from two people who are at their best and complement each other and I believe that to an extent. I also believe that a perfect compliment to who we are isn't realistic, either.

I believe that we need to know who we are and what we want out of life.

I believe that when we give, it needs to be from a place of strength.

I believe that we need to know what we want and need in a partner.

It sounds like you have those things: You know who you are and what you want, seem confident and aren't giving using silent contracts, and understand that what you're living is not the R you want or need.

Your stitch truly does seem different from many here in that your wife doesn't seem like she has an exit strategy, and is content living in a loveless marriage.

For me, I'd have to say something at this point because I believe that our needs can't be met by others if they don't know what they are.

Too many people think M and R shouldn't be hard. These things should come as naturally and as easily as breathing. Hollywood has taught us this, but it is far from the truth. M and R take work and communication.

What have you tried to do in order to get your message and feelings across to your wife and how did she respond? Does she shut down? does she say she understands?

I used to just let things go, too. All it did was build resentment towards my W. Now that W and I are in a better place, I'm trying really hard to explain what my needs are. I carry those needs in my wallet as well, in case i ever forget what they are.

Are all those needs being met and causing my love tank to overflow? not yet, but I also now recognize how my W shows her love, and so I can see that she's trying. She's showing me that she's trying to speak my LL better as well.

I can see the effort being put forth by her and that makes me feel valued, but if my W didn't know how I felt or what she needed to do, my needs wouldn't be being met at all.

The key to all of this is understanding that even if you tell her what you want and need, she ultimately gets to decide whether or not she wants to try to meet those needs. It's her choice.

in turn, you also get to choose how you respond to her choice, wether she decides that, yes, she can meet those needs, or, no, she has no desire to attempt, or literally is unable to meet those needs.

You can tell her what you want to tell her, let her know that you are expecting an answer at some point (don't put a time limit on her, but you can choose how long you want to wait), drop the mike and walk out. You've said what you needed to say and now you've put the ball back in her court.

Make sure you are calm and deliver the message in a sincere way, not one that carries negative or unwanted undertones.

If you're ready to say what you need to say, and more importantly, if you're ready to hear her answers, I see no reason to not ask.

My opinion only, though. I'm not an expert...

[Mowgli]

You can look at so many of these threads and it's like God just took a cookie cutter and punched a bunch of these Rs out. These WWs and WAWs all seem like they follow a similar script, which is why so many of the rules work for so many of us.

For the longest time, I thought my sitch was different. It wasn't. at all.

You, though, your sitch really does seem unique. I wish could be more helpful, man. I really do.

Good luck!

[roist]

Thanks Mowgli,

Maybe it is just slower.Time will tell. Either she comes around and things improve or one of us will move towards getting out. Both are better than status quo. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. Wrongly or rightly I believe that if M fails, destiny means for me to have a better one with someone else. Down the road I know I will have a full rewarding R.

In the meantime I am trying to focus on me. This is hard because we are still almost a couple and the parts missing are flagrant. There are so many advantages of having her still here, and I appreciate it, none of it is important without intimacy (emotional or otherwise).

Earlier I mentioned the tool to change character traits well here are my two lists. The traits I am working on changing are
1. low self esteem,
2. Indecisive/ unsure what to do
3. A pleaser putting my needs last.
4. Doubter/pessimist
5. Communication. Keep everything to myself.

The traits I am working towards are:
1. Assertive/confident
2. Decisive
3. Optimist.PMA
4. Empathize, validate,
5. emotionally open

My third list of my good traits is:
1 determination... don't give up
2 faithful
3 honest
4 willing to try
5 reliable

I have already started working on this, but if anyone has any comments or suggestion esp on stuff to help me make these changes,
ii am ready to listen.

I have a more detailed list of actions and goals to back this up. Included are some R goals. Early on I tried a lot of stuff, but we seem gradually worse at times but not hopeless. The longer limbo lasts the harder it is for me to see it turning around.But I am going to refind my beginners mind and experiment again. Again suggestions welcome.

I am also spending much less time on the couch with W. I am doing sport, working, DIY, phoning, etc. I am GAL.

[roist]

Mowgli I somehow missed your big post.I hear you and it makes ense. I am nit afraid to have that chat and I know I can do it in a calm loving way with no pressure.BBefore Christmas I had a big urge to talk to her. Now less. I am sure it will come back.

Maybe it will shake her fog to hear I won't go on indefinitely like this.Maybe it could help. It has been almost a hear since we had any R talk. From everything I have read here and elsewhere talking is not advised. I just don't know anymore.

But what I do know is that I am getting stronger and improving every week. In my eyes at least. Roiste 2.0 is coming. I can put up with unmet needs while working on me. Maybe W will realise I am moving forward fast and think about the situation.RRegardless when I am fully happy with me, I will decide my timeframe for us.

I have one or two big non M issues to get through shortly so I was not eager to voluntarily add M crap into the mix at the same time. Before Christmas I was overwhelmed by thinking I needed to stir the M pot and deal with this stuff at the same time. It was so powerful to realise I can do whatever I want and wait if it suited me. Not only that but I am now at the brink of a big work issue and although it is as big as I thought I am serene that I will handle it. I guess I am trying to say I am no longer being dragged down by whatever comes at me. It stresses me but less than before but now I know things will be better.

I would really like others to comment on your reply though.

[Cadet]

Here is my opinion about having a chat like this.

Can you do it with NO EXPECTATIONS, calmly and rationally?

Until two people want to have a relationship and meet each others needs it is unlikely that this chat will have much success.

Love is a Choice and both people must choose to DO it.

DB'ing is about speaking with ACTIONS and not words,
controlling ourselves and not someone else.

So before you DO this what do you think will be the results?

[Mowgli]

I would really like others to comment on your reply though.

I would, too. Like I said, yours is a different animal than what you normally see around here. It really seems like you guys are just living in limbo and she's content with that.

[roist]

Mowgli,
Honestly I don't think W is content with situation. Why she is not doing something one way or another is another issue....but hers.