I have been reading your stuff for a while and notice that concern/fear/etc about the future seems to drive a lot of your anxiety, which seems to have driven a lot of your unproductive behavior.
You're projecting all of your anxiousness about all of the possibilities into the future and essentially making up scenarios that haven't happened yet and may never happen, and then worrying about them right now...which is impacting your ability to function right f-ing now. But the future is unwritten, and by the time you get there, things may be totally different or you may feel and respond to them totally differently.
So stop worrying about things that are currently just forward projections of your fears and imagination!
The future is coming at all of us regardless of what we do. I sympathize with you on this because I have had similar thoughts in the past.
A better way to respond to those thoughts for me has been to stop thinking about the future in any specific terms. There is far too much going on right now and I think we end up focusing on the future because we want a sense of control, we want to know what to expect, and, frankly, it's easier to worry about all that stuff in the future than to focus on RIGHT NOW and deal constructively with the difficult feelings and challenges that are in our faces RIGHT NOW.
So what I have done when I started having thoughts about being dragged into a future I didn't want, or to be overwhelmed by how big and unknown the future is, etc....has been to think and act on the following:
"The future is coming no matter what. What I do right now, in the next five minutes, today, this week is making me the person I will be in the next hour, tomorrow, next week. Thinking and worrying won't change that. What I need to do is do things in the next 5 mins, hour, day, week that are good for me and the kids...this is an investment in my future. An INVESTMENT.
When I contribute to my retirement plan, my savings account, etc...I get a little immediate peace of mind knowing that I've set something aside for my future, and the more time passes and I keep that money invested and keep adding to it, the more it will grow. It doesn't directly benefit me right now, but over time it grows and matures and will be there someday when I need it."
So that's how I look at it. When I had the urge to contact my WW I reminded myself that not contacting her was an investment in myself that would pay off the next time I had the urge. Going to the gym is an investment in my future. There is a small immediate benefit from exercise, but the real benefit comes when you do it day after day, week after week, month after month and the benefits compound and we're healthier, feel better, and look better. Other GAL activities are the same way. And as parents when we invest in ourselves...our children benefit from our PMA, inner strength, and hopefully--eventually--the wisdom we learn from making good choices on life's journey.
