Choosing not to discuss the our relationship with my wife for the last 6 months has not improved anything. It may have not made things worse but not better.
How do I neutralize the anger and resentment she harbors for me? Giving her space and leaving the relationship alone appears to have done nothing. If she feels anger towards me isn't that better then before when she said she was indifferent to me? I know she has to do this internally. If certain behaviors will drive her away, then why can't certain actions help to neutralize her feelings? If this is a reasonable line of thought, then what types of behaviors will help?
I would like to tweek my interactions with her, in hopes that she will lower her shield a bit.
There is still much for you to do for you. Whilst that is unfolding then why make any emotional decisions. You said you were happy to stand, you can enforce boundaries on rudeness though, friendly neighbour seems best.
W is spinning and working through some stuff in IC. That is largely her circus, her monkeys, her poo to throw.
You got your own plus elephant poo shovel.
Let it unfold in time. I sense that ultimately you will become the man only a fool would leave and then you will decide for you. That is your choice that which is best for you, in the meanwhile it's still early days. In house S is very tough I know for me it lasted from 31 December 2013 until 2 May 2015. From the fish wife to the Maggotroni, even at the last it was the lies and outright abuse that made me enforce the boundary "I will not be abused". After that healing. 17 months of in house standing. You may in due course decide on a final date for stopping in house S. That doesn't mean D by the way.
You may never know what is happening in W head, likely scrambled eggs, just as she may never know about your thoughts.
That is how it should be at this stage. There is much benefit in it for you. I know tomorrow will be a tough day, anniversaries always are. I wouldn't mind about the present too much, next time send from all of you. If W would kindly post the present, V would grateful recieve. It is the giving that is important.
Just to let you know I am composing to you off line in word, it's complex for me and the research that I have been doing has given me much useful thought. The way I evaluate childhood issues is evolving as the more recent the scientific study reports I read and research materials I come across the more hope I have. Things are really positive on the healing front.
Thank you Mutatio for allowing me the opportunity to discuss these traumas with you. It isn't an easy journey.
I do have a couple of secret threads if you would prefer more frank discussions away from your thread, we can ask Cadet to delete the thread afterwards too if you like. Certainly done this before with posters here.
Much hugs, I Internet promise to do my very best in this with you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/01/1602:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Choosing not to discuss the our relationship with my wife for the last 6 months has not improved anything.
Oh dear catastrophic thinuking. Black and white thinking and generalising. "Anything??"
Stop!
It may have not made things worse but not better.
Evaluating, if you are going to do an evaluation, do it properly. Go back to old threads. Consider the changes in you, your R with your kids. Play fair. Do a SWOT analysis not an emotional one!
How do I neutralize the anger and resentment she harbors for me?
You can't control W. You can control how you react.
Giving her space and leaving the relationship alone appears to have done nothing.
More bad thinking.
If she feels anger towards me isn't that better then before when she said she was indifferent to me?
Mind reading, remember 100% rule, is what she says really true?
I know she has to do this internally. If certain behaviors will drive her away, then why can't certain actions help to neutralize her feelings?
They are her feelings not yours.
If this is a reasonable line of thought, then what types of behaviors will help?
That's core DB, do that which works, stop that which doesn't. Try something for long enough. Observe like a lab experiment. Detach.
I would like to tweek my interactions with her, in hopes that she will lower her shield a bit.
Expectations! Really! Observe and adjust. Let her be and work on you
My thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, thank you for your support. I am driven by the need to improve myself. I must evolve, discard the delusions I wear as armor. V, I am willing to do what ever it takes to make myself my best man. The direct answer to your question is Yes I would. Thank you.
To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go To right the unrightable wrong To love pure and chaste from afar To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest To follow that star No matter how hopeless No matter how far
To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march into Hell For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest That my heart will lie peaceful and calm When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this That one man, scorned and covered with scars Still strove with his last ounce of courage To reach the unreachable star
Thank you V, I feel compelled to do something, like a drowning man trying to latch on to something. You are right though, the correct path is through me. I will start working on me right now. I will go exercise right now. Thank you V, for your words of wisdom and friendship.
Mutatio it seems so odd to hear about the anger and resentment your wife has for you because on these boards you are so kind and giving it is hard to understand I am at a loss for advice because you like so many others here you still have your S living with you, mine has left and is living with OW. No matter how challenging or intense or disparate your situations seem I would trade anything for H to be back in our home. You mentioned a couple of times that you were an A.... For 15 years. So maybe it is all about time. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't give up
Thank you Jpeg for sharing your thoughts. I was during those years that. I could not be the man I am now without having been that man then. The same can be said for my wife or anyone. I will continue to DB and improve myself. I will try new things as V suggested and see if something positive comes from it.
Jpeg, I did not get here overnight. In 2008 my wife had an EA that turned to a PA just when they got outed. We thought we could fix it on our own but MC and probably IC was needed. I lived like this until 1 year ago today.
I don't envy you Jpeg, your pain must be incredible. I am so sorry this is in your life.
I feel like I took a big step backwards today. I was clingy and needy to wife until she said I was being selfish. That stopped it but I've been useless all day. I wish I could just snap out of it.
