Ghost taking baby steps

[Huddy]

You first. That's how it has to be right now. That doesn't mean putting your kids second, but you have to start thinking that what will be in your best interests, otherwise your brain will boil under the stress. Take the initiative.

[Fogg]

I want to be happy and the bottom line is I control my happiness.

I am torn between putting myself first or thinking that I have to put my children first

Fixing you is putting your kids first

I see and hear what you say about having to be in a better mental state in order to be the rock that my children need

I worry about everything and anything

Here is a couple of quick examples of the kind of worry that goes through my mind and most of this is totally irrational

Irrational. See? If you know its irrational stop letting it control your thoughts.

When we go to separate houses I worry that my wife will be able to offer the children a better standard of living ...remember she has been the main carer for the past 15 years she has been the one who was / is arround after school to make them meals talk with them care for them interact with them while I was at work

What an opportunity you have! You get to learn so many awesome skills to take care of your kids, things that will make you a better person and father overall. Stop trying to compare it to what your W could do. My W can do those things much better than me also and I'm beginning to acknowledge that. Its just room that I can improve in.

My boys do not get along that well with each other half of the time they wind each other up I know they would not want to have to share a bedrrom ....I know this now from how we are living what I do not know is if this would change if we lived in a new house perhaps they would actually like to spend time together what if I have to put them into a single bedrrom and my wife manages to put them into bedrooms of their own what if they prefer living with my wife and not want to live with me ....it is the unknown that cripples me all the frikiing time.

Stop comparing, you will figure it out. We never said it was going to be easy but it is very manageable. Being a single father is difficult but you will find enjoyment in life where you never thought possible and you will cope much better than you think right now. Its the fear of never having done it that cripples you and its much worse than actually living it.

I am a good dad I love and I care for my children and I will do the best that I can for them everyday I will provide for them and I will share their happiness I will make them laugh and I will be their biggest fan.

Great! So whats the problem. You will survive, your kids will survive. Maybe its not the same standard of living but who says any of you need that to be truly happy.

How could I ever move forward with my life and even contemplate being with someone else this would take a massive amount of time and wold be unfair on my children ...This is what I mean about me being afraid to put myself first. I deserve happiness but not at the expense of my children .

No. Do not attribute moving forward with your life right now and finding happiness with being with someone else. You are not ready to be in a new R with someone and it would likely be years anyway. Your happiness is not dependent on who you are with, it comes from within. IF your W divorces you then why would it then be unfair on your kids for you to find a new W later on? It wouldn't, after some time of healing and being single you would eventually move on also. The D is outside of your control.

Also, stop thinking so far ahead in the future and having those irrational thoughts. You get so stuck in worrying about something and the truth is it may not even be an issue. Stop fearing the hurricane that's 3 year away and focus on today.

I will think of some GAL ideas

Great. Ill say it again because I think its so important. Mens group, mens group, mens group. It will help you quite a bit. Dont give excuses theres not many around, you just have to find them.

25yrs thank you everyone

I'm somewhat worried what will happen when you really hit the anger phase. You seem to have the depression, denial and bargaining phases so intense. You will have to DB through the anger also and I think people struggle with that more.

[rd500]

Hi Ghost. Great advice from Fogg. Have you thought of medication ??? Your spinning needs to stop for your own health. Just a thought

Take care. Rd

[ATPeace]

Anger stage ......Great my W already thinks I am abusive so what do I do when I get to the anger stage

I have self enrolled in a program for domestic abusers she felt that some of my behaviour was abusive so I took the lead I wanted to self enrol

Going to take a look at meetup groups

[Fogg]

I guess I should have expected that. Ignore my comment about the anger. It's something for the future and each person experiences the stages differently. It could be very mild for you, but again, stop worrying about the hurricane in 3 years when your drowning in one that's happening now.

[tl2]

Ghost,

I have been reading your stuff for a while and notice that concern/fear/etc about the future seems to drive a lot of your anxiety, which seems to have driven a lot of your unproductive behavior.

You're projecting all of your anxiousness about all of the possibilities into the future and essentially making up scenarios that haven't happened yet and may never happen, and then worrying about them right now...which is impacting your ability to function right f-ing now. But the future is unwritten, and by the time you get there, things may be totally different or you may feel and respond to them totally differently.

So stop worrying about things that are currently just forward projections of your fears and imagination!

The future is coming at all of us regardless of what we do. I sympathize with you on this because I have had similar thoughts in the past.

A better way to respond to those thoughts for me has been to stop thinking about the future in any specific terms. There is far too much going on right now and I think we end up focusing on the future because we want a sense of control, we want to know what to expect, and, frankly, it's easier to worry about all that stuff in the future than to focus on RIGHT NOW and deal constructively with the difficult feelings and challenges that are in our faces RIGHT NOW.

So what I have done when I started having thoughts about being dragged into a future I didn't want, or to be overwhelmed by how big and unknown the future is, etc....has been to think and act on the following:

"The future is coming no matter what. What I do right now, in the next five minutes, today, this week is making me the person I will be in the next hour, tomorrow, next week. Thinking and worrying won't change that. What I need to do is do things in the next 5 mins, hour, day, week that are good for me and the kids...this is an investment in my future. An INVESTMENT.

When I contribute to my retirement plan, my savings account, etc...I get a little immediate peace of mind knowing that I've set something aside for my future, and the more time passes and I keep that money invested and keep adding to it, the more it will grow. It doesn't directly benefit me right now, but over time it grows and matures and will be there someday when I need it."

So that's how I look at it. When I had the urge to contact my WW I reminded myself that not contacting her was an investment in myself that would pay off the next time I had the urge. Going to the gym is an investment in my future. There is a small immediate benefit from exercise, but the real benefit comes when you do it day after day, week after week, month after month and the benefits compound and we're healthier, feel better, and look better. Other GAL activities are the same way. And as parents when we invest in ourselves...our children benefit from our PMA, inner strength, and hopefully--eventually--the wisdom we learn from making good choices on life's journey.

[ATPeace]

I guess I should have expected that. Ignore my comment about the anger. It's something for the future and each person experiences the stages differently. It could be very mild for you, but again, stop worrying about the hurricane in 3 years when your drowning in one that's happening now.

Fogg I did this about 6 weeks ago I guess you may not know what happened I was snooping ...I know not a good idea ...I have learnt from that .....I found she was reading a book on controlling abusive men and she had underlined loads of things that she felt I had done during the M It made me take a close look at how I had been controlling and think about how it must have made her feel.

I felt like crap when I realised what I had been doing this but there is nothing I can change about the past...

I have realised that I could be the best cleaner and the best child carer and this is good news for her as she knows her children will be cared for but this is not going to bring her back to me as my W

So I think if I look ahead think about moving buying a smaller house on my own what will I end up doing with myself ...today has been playing with the kids and watching TV with my soon to be ex W playing happy family's

Keeping in the here and now ok it has been pleasant today ....she might say in some way false but we have got along sitting in the same room talking with the toddler playing

[Flight]

And while you guys are at it, you have spelled it every way but the correct way, it is Pierce Brosnan

[ATPeace]

Thank you I do feel stronger calmer almost a sence of acceptance then I wait for the spirel has not happened yet

Weird feeling today not sure if anyone can shead any light on this today my upset and my sadness did not come from me being upset about her not wanting to be with me and from the spireling thoughts of her not wanting to be with me it came from something else.

My W told me on bomb day that she loved me but was not in love with me .....today I was feeling upset because I was starting to have the same thoughts I do love her but am starting to question myself as to if I am in love with her or if my love for her or was it an obsession is starting to fade and I felt upset because as crazy as it sounds I do not want to get to that point

Not sure if this makes sence or if I am just spireling in another direction

Thanks for the support

Overall today I have felt calmer

Ghost

[sandi2]

My W told me on bomb day that she loved me but was not in love with me .....today I was feeling upset because I was starting to have the same thoughts I do love her but am starting to question myself as to if I am in love with her or if my love for her or was it an obsession is starting to fade and I felt upset because as crazy as it sounds I do not want to get to that point

I believe it is all connected by your co-dependence.

Why not stop analyzing and thinking of why you feel like you do. Let your weary brain rest a little.