Ghost taking baby steps

[Fogg]

I want to be happy and the bottom line is I control my happiness.

I am torn between putting myself first or thinking that I have to put my children first

Fixing you is putting your kids first

I see and hear what you say about having to be in a better mental state in order to be the rock that my children need

I worry about everything and anything

Here is a couple of quick examples of the kind of worry that goes through my mind and most of this is totally irrational

Irrational. See? If you know its irrational stop letting it control your thoughts.

When we go to separate houses I worry that my wife will be able to offer the children a better standard of living ...remember she has been the main carer for the past 15 years she has been the one who was / is arround after school to make them meals talk with them care for them interact with them while I was at work

What an opportunity you have! You get to learn so many awesome skills to take care of your kids, things that will make you a better person and father overall. Stop trying to compare it to what your W could do. My W can do those things much better than me also and I'm beginning to acknowledge that. Its just room that I can improve in.

My boys do not get along that well with each other half of the time they wind each other up I know they would not want to have to share a bedrrom ....I know this now from how we are living what I do not know is if this would change if we lived in a new house perhaps they would actually like to spend time together what if I have to put them into a single bedrrom and my wife manages to put them into bedrooms of their own what if they prefer living with my wife and not want to live with me ....it is the unknown that cripples me all the frikiing time.

Stop comparing, you will figure it out. We never said it was going to be easy but it is very manageable. Being a single father is difficult but you will find enjoyment in life where you never thought possible and you will cope much better than you think right now. Its the fear of never having done it that cripples you and its much worse than actually living it.

I am a good dad I love and I care for my children and I will do the best that I can for them everyday I will provide for them and I will share their happiness I will make them laugh and I will be their biggest fan.

Great! So whats the problem. You will survive, your kids will survive. Maybe its not the same standard of living but who says any of you need that to be truly happy.

How could I ever move forward with my life and even contemplate being with someone else this would take a massive amount of time and wold be unfair on my children ...This is what I mean about me being afraid to put myself first. I deserve happiness but not at the expense of my children .

No. Do not attribute moving forward with your life right now and finding happiness with being with someone else. You are not ready to be in a new R with someone and it would likely be years anyway. Your happiness is not dependent on who you are with, it comes from within. IF your W divorces you then why would it then be unfair on your kids for you to find a new W later on? It wouldn't, after some time of healing and being single you would eventually move on also. The D is outside of your control.

Also, stop thinking so far ahead in the future and having those irrational thoughts. You get so stuck in worrying about something and the truth is it may not even be an issue. Stop fearing the hurricane that's 3 year away and focus on today.

I will think of some GAL ideas

Great. Ill say it again because I think its so important. Mens group, mens group, mens group. It will help you quite a bit. Dont give excuses theres not many around, you just have to find them.

25yrs thank you everyone

I'm somewhat worried what will happen when you really hit the anger phase. You seem to have the depression, denial and bargaining phases so intense. You will have to DB through the anger also and I think people struggle with that more.