Thanks, Gwen. Yesterday went uneventful, except for me drinking a few glasses of wine. Got an e-mail from H this morning, telling me that he will be in town today for a football game (college) tonight and if got the info from the accountant, he would like to cut himself a check, if possible. He asked me to send him a text if this works out.
I was going to send him a text anyway. So, I sent him a text with the number and that the pay needs to happen today, so I could pay taxes tomorrow. Then I’ve got a reply from the accountant that taxes can be paid next year, so this took some pressure off. I sent a text at about 8:30 this morning, and there was no reply until now. He texted back saying that he is at the border crossing and that he will call me later. And that he doesn’t have his computer with him. It takes no more than 2 hours to drive from the vacation home to the border. He should have gotten my text before he left, IDK. I guess bringing his computer with him was not a plan after all. This means he expected me to do this on my computer and hand him the check. Not sure what time he wants to do this. The game starts at 7:30. I’m working from home today, but I haven’t told him yet. Normally, I would be at work and not getting home before 6 pm. Not sure what kind of thinking going on in his head.
I will be kind again and will cut him his check. I’m just waiting on what the next move will be on his part, timing wise or any other arrangements he is thinking about.
So, it seems that this tradition of him coming to town for this annual college football game is not going anywhere. It used to be three of us, with my BIL (H’s brother.) Last couple of years it was H, BIL and his GF. This year it going to be just the two of them. I just wish this would not be this time year, around holidays and before the New Years, my favorite holiday. He always finds some business he needs to do with me when he is here. It just creates some anxiety for me every time. I will need to figure out how not to get sucked into this next year.
Interesting thing is that he does it with his brother, while they are not even getting along anymore. I sense there is some kind of tension or unexpressed feelings between them. My mutual friends in Mexico told me that they asked about H’s brother, his surgery and what they did together. H’s reply was that they went to the bars, but they didn’t really talk, just sat there watching some games on TV and drinking. He said he and his brother don’t really talk to each other. This was a surprise to me. They used to be close.
Oh, and another thing. I’ve got a card from him in the mail yesterday. It is one of these cards he sends to his family and friends every year, with some humor about Christmas (he is still a Mr. Grinch.) It is addressed to me, my son and his GF. With his standard “Hope all’s well”. He put “Love” at the end though. I think last year there were two different cards, one for me and another one for my son and GF. Forgot to mention that I also gave him a card for New Years. It was with the rest of his mail I took with me when I went to the vacation home last week. I have the mail to my mutual friends to pass it to H.
Anyway, waiting for H’s call. Staying calm.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
H just texted, asking me to call him when I'm available and letting me know that he will going to the game in an hour. I guess he could not even manage to call me himself, like he said he would. I wonder what happens if I don't call within an hour. Will I set myself for another stressful day tomorrow? I bet he will ask me to do the check for whatever amount I think is needed and then deposit it for him at the back. He will not even show up here. Which will work for me.
Going to call in a couple of minutes anyway. Need to get it over with.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I called H. He answered “this is H”… Like he didn’t recognize my number, right… I don’t normally see much of MLC stuff, since I don’t have much contact with H, but when I see it surprised me every time.
He asked “how are you”, and then sounded so excited when I asked him the same. Just weird. Then he asked me if I had a good time at the vacation home. We chatted a bit about that, it was a pleasant conversation. I was relaxed and was just myself. He said that he was thinking that he would run into me somewhere, but he didn’t. Interesting. At least he was thinking about me, LOL.
Then we discussed the company finances. As I thought, he asked me if I could print him his check. So, the plan was for him to pick it up tomorrow, and he also wants to pick up one of his chests that have been seating here since he left. There is another one, but he said that he cannot fit both in his car. I am working from home tomorrow. Not sure how he pictured picking up stuff if I would not be home. He would probably ask for a permission to enter the house.
Anyway, the fact that he wants to pick up some of his stuff tells me that he is firmly on the path of moving on and not re-thinking his decision. It stung me again for the moment. I think I should know by now that all my hope is just a wishful thinking. I had a moment of sadness thinking that the love he had for me is gone forever. I’m no more than a business partner and a distant acquaintance to him. I guess I just still cannot believe it. Trying very hard to not start crying right now. I still need to go do some shopping tonight.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, your post got me. The stings, over and over again, we all seem to get them. It seems to go in hand with standing. If we had decided to give up and file right in the beginning, we would have moved on by now. Instead, we live with the hope that we are not doing this for nothing! It certainly isn't the easy route.
I suppose the lessons we learn through this experience are the real goal. That and knowing we have done everything we could. I am sorry for the hurt and hope you are feeling better.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4, yes, you expressed it better than me. Standing for us mean we still have hope. Even though we are moving on with our lives, and you certainly are (so am I to a certain extent), we are still hoping that something will change, our H’s snap out of that funk they are in right now and see what a great life they can have with us.
I’m definitely grateful for the lessons I learnt and still learning through this experience. I just with it would not be as pain full…
There is something I read on Irish’s thread, posted by AJ. I know this has been repeated by all of the vets here. It is that MLCer needs to hit rock bottom to release what they’ve done and start making their way back. I just realized that I interfered with this process by rescuing H once again. In our conversation today he said that he felt very concerned about paying all these money from the company account to avoid taxes. Because it left company accounts at almost nothing. He said that he doesn’t know when he will be paid for his outstanding invoices, and that he will need some operating expense before he can generate new invoices. I told him that I have a couple of checks coming in for my work and that I will leave these money on the account until he gets paid for his work. He was absolutely ecstatic about this, he sounded very happy and thanked me for doing this. This has been written in our history… I always had his back. Didn’t matter if I was angry with him or resentful, I never let him fail on his face. I don’t think he appreciates it to the full extend.
So… I think I just enabled him again… and made his life easier… For a while… I think eventually I need to cut this off and let him deal with what he has to deal with. It will not be pretty if I get out of the company business.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, If your h is redecorating the condo, then he probably wanted some of the furniture he left behind. This does not mean that he's permanently moved on. It just means he needs some furniture. If he truly had moved on, he would have gotten all of his furniture, i.e., not in bits and pieces. Who knows, it could be an excuse to come there to see what you've done or are doing with the place. Many of them do leave stuff behind just for an excuse to touch base w/their former lives. Don't rule out "hope".
As for bailing him out, I know you've always had his back, but there will come a time when you will need to stop doing this, especially if you get separation/divorce paperwork. It was kind of you to offer up money to tied him over in the account, but you've got to start thinking of you first. He'll never grow up if you continue to bail him out of his situations. He needs to be a man and call those people up for the monies that he is owed.
Wishing you a Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you, thank you, thank you. Your post lifted my spirit. And I want to be in a good spirit for tonight when go to celebrate our traditional New Year’s at my sister’s.
It is interesting that I had the same thoughts crossing my mind, about an excuse to pick up the stuff. I just didn’t want to have any expectations, so I ruled this out in my head and decided to focus on thinking that H is actually moving on and I need to treat it as such. It actually worked. I was calm and not upset at all.
These two chests are actually not a “furniture”, they are storage trunks. One was given to H when he left for the Navy at the age of 18 by his step dad, and another was also made by his step dad for H’s Mom, and it has engraving on it “With love to H’s Mom from step dad”. But… you are amazingly right when you said that H’s is re-decorating and needs some furniture. He actually was going to use one of these chests as a furniture to put it under a new mirror he purchased. I’ve been wondering why H was not trying to pick these chests before. I think they would mean some memory to him. I cleaned out all of my stuff from both of them a long time ago, because H mentioned a few times in the last couple of years that he wants to pick them up.
Wait for the next part! Both chests are still in my house after H’s visit this morning. The chests are in my bedroom. So, H had to go to the bedroom where he hasn’t been for a long time (since he picked up his clothes about 2 ˝ years, I think). Job, to your point, here is the excuse, I guess to see what’s going on. After all I told him that I was planning to replace the bedroom furniture last time we spoke. So, he went in the bedroom, picked one of the trunks, carried it out to his car. I offered some help, but he just kept carrying that heavy trunk by himself. I saw him taking a mirror out of the trunk of his car (I guess the one he just purchased), then I went inside. After a couple of minutes he came inside and told me that this is not going to work, because there is not that much room, and he is afraid that the mirror will get damaged if he puts it on the top of the trunk.
He then said, sorry, but he will pick those up at some other time when he has more room in a vehicle. It was kind of vague. I know he is going to drive his camper back for work (which has lots of room!) Will see if he will swing by the town then, or he will drive through other state, like he did last year.
He brought that chest back into the house and put it in the bedroom. I was actually looking forward to get rid of these chests, especially when I get new furniture. I might need to put them in the garage then.
We had a brief conversation, where I learnt a couple of things. He told me that he is recoating the condo, that he bought a mirror (that might fit on the top of that chest he wanted to take, I can’t picture that though), and put some window coverings for privacy. I told him that this is what I wanted to do when we were decorating the condo first place. A truth dart, I guess... We were arguing about the window coverings when we were picking them. I wanted full coverage, and he wanted semi-transparent blinds, because “what was there to hide” and he wanted to see the outside all the time. Now, he changed his mind, apparently.
He was explaining his re-decorating things to me and I kept rolling my eyes trying to picture what he was talking about. Then he said that I will see for myself next time I’m at the condo. Wow… I guess, he is still ok with me staying at the condo. Good to know.
When he came into the house, he made a comment that the house looks very nice, with the holiday decorations. Interesting… The house actually looks the same inside, with the exception of a Christmas tree. But, this is it. I have lights on the outside thought.
One more interesting thing I’ve noticed. It’s been a few time when H came to the house and knocked on the screen door. There is a doorbell that I replaced last year, because the old one stopped working. It works a bit funny. You have to press it for a few seconds for it to work. So, last times when H came and knocked on the door, I went and checked the doorbell every time making sure it still worked. It did. So, I thought that H just didn’t have enough patience to push it longer. Today, same thing… I got a knock on the door. So, I was going to make a comment that H needs a little bit more patience to ring the doorbell. I opened the door and asked if H tried the doorbell. He said that he didn’t even push it, he just knocked. I think this was the case all other times too. He had no problems ringing the old doorbell. So, what is it? He just doesn’t want to touch it, because it was not the one that he put in? Looks very odd to me.
I think my post is all over the place. I’m just trying to record everything before I forget. Still need to do a lot of things before I go to my sister’s tonight.
Happy New Year, everyone!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Some interesting behavior. Keep focusing on the things you want to manifest this year. I know it's been hard, but you are doing great. We're all here for you. Hope your celebration last night was fun . Sending {{{hugs}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Is covering monetarily until the invoices get paid a regular thing you've done, or is it something new? I thought it was the latter. In my mind it makes a difference.
Would allowing the company to go red help, or hurt, you and your chances of reconcilliation with H? I don't know.
You are still married and not in the D process. I'd move ahead with that frame of mind if I were you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
