Zues - As always, you hit the mark! I've read some of your earlier threads (because you told me to...lol.) I can absolutely see how far you've come. The fact that you stay here, and willingly help out others is amazing. I plan to follow your example.
For one thing, I'm not far enough in to just give up and quit. I'm at the stage of your advice, that I've accepted what's happening, realize I can't change a thing, but I've quit fighting it. I DO realize that I have time, precious time, to work on things about myself that I've needed to address for years. It is a gift, actually. If H were here, there would be no way I could selfishly just devote time and thought to me, only. This time has already proven to be extremely beneficial.
I haven't given up all hope, even though H is rushing the D. I've realized we can always get back together one day - but that time is not now. I still have a lot of growing to do. I need to be whole, happy, and healthy first - because if H ever does come back, he's going to be carrying a load of regret and sadness, and I'm going to have to be so much stronger than I am now to help him through.
I used to think unfaithfulness was a deal-breaker. Realizing how screwed up H's head is right now, goes a long way towards making me have compassion. He's convinced his past adultery is something I will never be able to forgive. I've still got too much anger about everything combined to be able to convince him otherwise. There are clear signs he still has feelings for me, but he just can't/won't let himself do anything about it. I'm convinced in his case it is classic MLC. He's acting so driven, like he'll drown if something doesn't change. All he talks about is being "happy". He has yet to learn happiness doesn't come from outside sources.
You've done a lot to help me learn not to judge. I don't know for certain what is going on his head, but I can certainly see the confusion. I wanted to hate him. I just can't do it. My course of action is to just let him go for now, and work on myself, since there's so much work to be done. I made plenty of mistakes in life, in the marriage - I am in no position to judge. I feel sorry for him more than anything. I sense his utter confusion, but he will not let me help him.
As I said earlier, I'm choosing to view this time apart as a gift to do the work I need to do on myself. I need to be strong for myself, for my kids, and eventually for H. For some reason, I feel certain he will reach out one day. I need to be in a good place for that.
If time proves me wrong, I will not consider any of this a waste. I'm still growing, learning, evolving. I am determined to become the best person I can possibly be. I've wasted so much of my life just existing. I'm learning my purpose, and I'm going to LIVE it...not just live through it.
Thanks for being there for all of us. You are such a treasure! Your children are so very, very lucky to have you as a dad.
