Mutatio - I have no words of wisdom for you. I honestly don't see how you can bear it. I understand being committed to your M, but I don't understand some of the things you put up with to keep the peace. I was ready to throttle her on your behalf back when she would just outright snub you.
It seems you're both at a stalemate - neither of you wants to be the one to leave, so you're sticking it out waiting on the other to make the first move. Staying in her room IS safe. She doesn't have to talk with you, look at you, or interact with you in any way. She just gets to go in there and do her own thing. That, I understand, since I did so much of that myself. I was in a failing M, with a H who didn't desire to change his habits one bit, and it was just easier and safer to stay out of his way.
But you're not doing that - you've been doing your best to make changes, to be the best person you can be. I can't believe she doesn't see that at all. She must, but has got to be harboring such a deep anger that it doesn't move her one bit.
The way I see it, you basically have two choices: 1. Get used to it, because only one of you is interested in creating a better R. 2. Cease waiting on her, and live your own life. Only you can determine which is the path you need to take.
There's nothing wrong with waiting longer, M. None of us will ever judge you for that, or tell you to do it differently. Your patience and commitment to doing whatever it takes to improve your present circumstance are astonishing. I've never met a person so determined. It takes a rare kind of patience to stay in such difficult circumstances with the kind of grace you display.
The day may come, though, when you decide you've done the best you can, and decide to do what makes you happy without her. Again, none of us would judge you for that. There is no one anywhere who can say you didn't try. I don't think many of us would be willing to stay in such a one-sided M for very long. All of us here long to have a committed, happy M. We don't want to be M for the sake of being M. We long for connection, for companionship, and intimacy. That's a human kind of thing. If the day comes you decide you just want more out of life, then you need to do what you must.
I'll support you, either way. I know for certain I am not the only one. I know, absolutely, you are not ready to make decisions right now - but it is time to start thinking about things. You only have this one very precious life to live. Who knows, M? What if you decide to move on, and she realizes maybe she doesn't want to be left behind after all?
There's no way to tell. There's only your decision, and if you can be at peace with it. For now, do nothing - especially since you are in pain. That is not a good place to make life-altering decisions from. Just know that you have people here who really do care about you. We're here for you, and will do the best we can to help.
