You know, no matter how things play out he will find a way to make it your fault and to be a victim. But no matter what story he tells himself, he'll be living in the reality he's created. That will be a reality of being divorced. He can spin it any way he wants, but at the end of the day he won't have you in his corner. That is the real loss. His family can lend him a sympathetic ear but they won't be holding his hand when he's old and lonely or sick in the hospital.
It's funny, the desire to see them suffer. I get it. What's funny is the paradox thing where it's like "if I really want him to suffer then I need to become a saint of a woman, someone that he would regret losing for ever, that type of person would be compassionate not vindictive, so I must become compassionate so I can cause him the most possible pain..."
I don't know anymore. It does get easier with time Julie. Tonight I saw XW while picking up the kids. She continues to make comments about her life that she obviously wants me to know during the literal 5 second hand offs. Tonight she asked when I was dropping off the kids in the AM (no school because of holidays). I said 9, but then I said actually like 5-10 minutes before 9 because I had a 9AM appointment. She made a point to say "well I need to know, because I won't be spending the night here tonight so I need to know when I need to be back". I just shrugged and said 5 minutes to 9 was fine and kind of laughed to myself. Good for her, she has some drunk buddy that will screw her in exchange for validating whatever stories she wants to tell. It was such a treat because I realized I really don't care anymore, I feel nothing, it's all gone now. Feelings aren't my compass, I follow my beliefs, not my feelings...but it's a relief to know that I really don't feel any attraction, pain, loss, or anything about her these days. I want nothing to do with any of that crap. The loss of the marriage is still real, but so many things are going well that it becomes less and less important.
Julie, my IC says that recovery from a D is a 3-5 year journey. It stinks, but at least we know we're normal. All these goofballs rebounding and trying to deny their grieving...not worth it.
You know I'm a pool player. One mistake 99% of amateurs make is rushing under pressure. There is no time clock in pool. Yet when people get under pressure they hurry up because they are so uncomfortable with that pressure they just want to get it over with. It always ends poorly. I have won a lot of $ playing pool just by not doing this. I just sit there. Chalk my cue again. Acclimate to the pressure. Stare it in the face. Consider where it comes from. Work my way through it. Breath. Whatever. At some point it stops bothering me and I work through it all. Then I shoot the ball in and get my cash. If you want to know the one skill that makes me better than my competition it's that I want to win enough to handle that discomfort.
You are the same way. You are gritty, you are willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, own them, name them, admit your place in them, and keep going. If you ever want to take up shooting pool let me know, you'd go a long way. Instead this will serve you well in post DB world. Own your desire for revenge, your pain, your anger, your disappointment, your loneliness. Eventually you won't have any give a $hit left in your tank and you'll be enjoying life again. The only bad news is that your H won't really start suffering until you stop caring whether he does or not anymore...but that's ok too.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I was not expecting to be in this state of limbo for so long. I just want stability and organization and a plan to move forward regardless of the outcome.
Brief background... Husband left 6 mos ago. We were living with family at time and fighting a lot. He says there is no other woman and I have no proof of one. He initially said he wanted space, then said he could not reconcile so I started to move on and filed for CS and then a month ago he told me he would like to try marriage counseling and dating to see if we could work torwards reconciliation. I am suspicious of timing, and he still has not initiated. I will not initiate reconciliation because feel I did my fair share of all the DB donts in the beginning and I have no intention of doing so again. Now I feel it's on him...but still nothing.
Thank you all for your much needed support and wisdom in these very trying times. These boards have kept me occupied and I know I would have made some very unwise choices if it had not been for you guys. Thank you all for sharing your experiences as well. I have learned so much.
It sounds like you got this. Good for you. Stay the course.
I am ending this year sick in bed early with a nasty cold, and my son just had major meltdown over his water not being cold enough so he would not have to go to bed.
I threw out all the Christmas cookies and am getting serious tomorrow about healthy eating. Especialliy for the kids. With this cold and the holidays and the kids home from school I have not been exercising and I hate that. But I know how good I feel when I exercise so I look forward to resuming. Other then that my goals are to drink a lot of water and go to sleep earlier.
I would like to feel less angry and more at peace regarding husband and my situation. Become more compassionate. This is for me because it doesn't feel good to be angry all the time. To do this... 1. I should look into beginner meditation. 2. More GAL.. go out more and meet more people. 3. Practice gratitude 4. Accept myself for who I am 5. HAVE FUN AGAIN. LAUGH MORE
I also have to figure out what to do about increasing work hrs. Very worried about this. Maybe I could discuss in future.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
My D sometimes have epic tantrums over, what seems to me, like the most minuscule things. Those are the times having the other parent around would be really nice.
Anyway, I just wanted to suggest you look into an app called Headspace for meditation. I really like it. He explains it very well.
Zues, you said "feelings aren't my compass. I follow my beliefs"
My beliefs have always been that you don't walk away from a spouse unless their was abuse or infidelity and you never walk away from a child. This is unheard of in my family. There are no divorces in the immediate and extended family (I do. Not have a small family) There was never any known occurrences of infidelity. When a couple of boyfriends have been known to cheat the whole family wants to kill them (and they are not even married) . It is taboo and something we see on television. I'm not saying my family does not have plenty of dysfunctions but this is just something that has not occurred. As you can imagine, my husband was one time loved and right now is despised by everyone.
If I followed my beliefs, I would have the divorce papers ready to go. Because husbands behavior is not acceptable to my belief system. My feelings (which are all over the place ) for my husband make it difficult to follow my beliefs. I do know that I can't trust my feelings so I'm not really doing anything right now other then venting on these boards
Unless I am misunderstanding the definitions.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
