Kyrie, I have been running around like a crazy person this week, usually I have more time to post. I have been thinking about your situation. Of course, you need to avoid R talks if at all possible. And follow Sandy's rules. But I am wondering. You have some strengths in your marriage. You admit that you make a lot of things work well. I am thinking you need to focus on your strengths right now. There is something between the two of you that is working, some common ground and ability to get some things right.
Can you talk to your H about what is going well? Words of affirmation maybe, "I appreciate that you handled the kids activities today" or "thank you for keeping up with the taxes," or similar? Can you find a way to do more of the activities you two "get right" as a couple? More activities with the kids, more financial planning? Without pursuing, that is the hard balance.
When your H spews at you, is it possible to walk away? Can you say "I am finding this conversation too intense/too overwhelming for me, I am going for a little walk and would love to revisit this when my head is clear." And then leave the house for 20 minutes or so.
And finally, you need a support system. This board has been by far the best support for me, but you need "real life" friends to get out with. Is there a group with your church, or a women's meetup group, book club, bible study, walking group- anything that interests you and can get you interacting with other women on a regular basis? Or maybe get together for a girls night out with your children's friend's mothers? For me, being in the company of other women has been the biggest blessing since BD- I had never really connected with my friends as much as I do now.
I am glad you are posting and I hope you have a very happy new year.
