WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[Zues126]

I spent last night and this morning taking in what Zeus and Azzork have said. Until recently I have been solidly in the state of "wanting to save the M" and have been subject to the feelings surrounding that. In this state, I feel like all I want to do is talk to my W, work on the R, try to rebuild, etc. I am recognizing that you guys are right, those things are a dead end right now. In this state, I have trouble sleeping at night and I get ongoing, unbearable back and neck tension from the feelings of anger and of having no control over my life.

Only in the past week have I began to explore a different state of "wanting to end the M", which has brought a very different set of positive feelings, which are motivating me to do the exact things that you guys are advising me to do. In this state, I feel a strong impulse to GAL, find myself again, begin really working on myself, etc. I feel excited about detaching and what the future holds. I feel a glimpse of freedom from the many restrictions that this M has placed on me, especially the way that I have felt trapped like a prisoner in my own house because of the way that I have accommodated my W's OCD. In this state, I sleep well at night and my back and neck tension goes away and I feel a sense of control over my own life.

I'm really confused about the advice I'm getting here because it seems like an unnatural hybrid between these two states, which goes strongly against the grain of the way my emotions work. You guys keep pushing me to avoid the impulse of wanting to end the M, yet you also keep pushing me to do all of the things that I would be naturally motivated to do if I was to embrace that state and go with it. I feels impossible for me to remain in the state of "wanting to save the M" while proceeding with all of the things that I would need to do if I was in the opposite state. My emotions just don't work that way... it's very confusing!!

What am I missing here? Is there some hybrid state between the two that I can embrace which can set me on a path to doing all of the right things, but without burning any bridges that would prevent me from saving the M? Maybe I need to embrace "ending the M in its current form". ie: Walking away from the old R once and for all to let it die, but without being closed to the possibility that a totally new R with my W could take it's place in the future.

Hmmm.. that feels right at the moment, but I'm not supposed to follow feelings. Arghhh... so confusing!

JGuy feeling very lost today.

You are getting very close here.

See, what you 'want' isn't really helpful right now. Want is nothing short of saying you are attached to a certain outcome. You 'want' to save the M, but you can't necessarily do that as it's not in your control, so by defense you decide to 'want' to end the marriage, because even though that's not really what you want at least if you tell yourself it's what you want you can get what you want. Want want want. Attachment control attachment control attachment control.

The answer is letting go. Doing what's in front of you. Having faith that the world will keep turning and you will be ok, even if you don't have a white knuckled grip on how things play out.

The road in front of you doesn't change no matter what you think you want. If you knew 100% you didn't want to save this marriage, what would you do? You'd detach, GAL, make 180s to improve yourself for the future, go through your grieving process, and start rebuilding your life as an individual. This, by staggering coincidence, is EXACTLY the same thing you would do if you were committed to doing everything in your power to save the M. So...the question of what you want is really irrelevant, because it doesn't change the road in front of you, and tell yourself what you will you really have no clue what you want. I've seen people say they don't want to R that find themselves open to it when the opportunity comes, and others that thought they did that think twice in the same situation. How you feel will change, so focus on what WON'T change, the road in front of your feet.

It's like if you were trying to decide whether to lose 10 pounds or 20 pounds...either way, it starts with the same decisions today. Just get on the treadmill and see where it takes you.

Finally, where does fear come from? A lot of times it is from trying to control something you can't control. If you decide you want your M to be saved it creates fear because you can't control that, so you might not get what you want, and you are helpless and powerless. Not fun. That's why many people decide to welcome D, at least they can CONTROL that outcome. This isn't a good way to steer your ship. Instead it makes sense to set healthy goals that you are in complete control of. Such as "I will not take any actions that would hurt the potential to save the M", or "I will spend 15 minutes a day reflecting on what I am grateful for", or "I will spend 5 minutes before any text messages or emails with WAS to make sure that I am responding from a place that represents my highest self and core beliefs", or other goals like that. These will empower you, because they are absolutely in your control.

I think in general setting the goal to not make any conclusions for 3-6 months, and just walking the road in front of you and becoming the best man you can be and in a consistent manner with your core beliefs, GALing, 180ing, and detaching...this is what you should be doing. And yes, this means you let go of the M. But letting go isn't the same as throwing it away.