Mutatio, I have nothing to add to JellyB's post, her words are right on target. I am sorry for your pain and I am sorry for your W's pain.
You want opinions from women whose husbands acted like a$$holes? Well mine has and still does act that way and he is the one who wants to leave me. So I am no help. I believe my H wants me to suffer, because he unable to move past his own pain and doesn't want to suffer alone. Maybe that is what is going on with your W too? She is not happy. Has she expressed what would make her happy? She doesn't want a R with you, but she hasn't asked you to leave? Is she depressed? I am wondering if you are both depressed and mirroring it to each other? You both seem very stuck. I think JellyB brought this up a few weeks ago actually, probably expressed it much better than I am.
I do think there is hope Mutatio. But someone/something has to break this stalemate.
Hi, I am here. Thank you Fo, I am so emotional today. Between my friends funeral and all this I feel like its last March. Tomorrow morning is my BD 1 year anniversary.
"Maybe that is what is going on with your W too?" I do not want her to suffer. I have not mentioned our marriage since this summer. She would not even talk to me.
"She is not happy. Has she expressed what would make her happy?" I have never asked her that. At this time she does not want to share feelings.
"She doesn't want a R with you, but she hasn't asked you to leave?" That is correct. I said last January I would not move out and if she was that unhappy she would have to herself. She did not.
"Is she depressed?" It seems that way to me but I will never mention it.
"I am wondering if you are both depressed and mirroring it to each other?" That could be, I don't know how that works or how to tell.
I am going to post this then answer Jelly questions. I'll be back.
Mutatio, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. My experience has been that anniversaries tend to subconsciously influence behaviours and interactions. I have often found myself saying and doing something that I wouldn't otherwise. Feelings intensify. You are likely about your friends passing and the time of year. Don't feel you have to answer any of my questions. I really just wanted you to know someone was out here reading and was here.
Hi Jelly, Thanks for responding, here are some answers to your questions.
"Personally I think there is some room to move here." That's what I felt in my gut.
"I have thought for sometime that under all W silence, she is quietly seething with anger. Personally I think that this anger needs to be expelled by her before there can be any shift." I asked a question later and she answered by saying she talks about her marriage in IC and she would be in IC for years. I responded years for the marriage? She said "and my issues". I think she has a full plate in IC.
"While it likely will be no fun on your end, there can be no coming together until this anger and resentment is out in the open. Then some move towards healing needs to happen." 100% correct.
"I am interested Mutatio, how did this conversation come about?" I was overcome by emotion. Our friend's funeral this morning and tomorrow is my 1 year DB anniversary. I went into ask her when she would want dinner ready, the next thing I said was can I ask you a question and we talked for about an hour.
"Another thing that interests me, is how W sees this housing sitch working for the next two years." I don't think she knows herself. I plan to make it as pleasant here as possible so she does not want to leave. I will give her space, respect her wishes and not pressure her. I have not asked a relationship question in 6 months.
"Ok so she doesn't want a relationship with you, yip no worries. But why not appear happier and more at ease in her own life and company. Why not just move out and on?" Good question, she said she is not 100% positive on divorce because our lives are so intertwined together. Just a guess but maybe me behaving and being patient has not pushed her over the edge. Also she is angry and resentful at me for being an a$$hole for 15 years.
"Personally W behaviour is confused she wants the best of all worlds and committing to none. She appears to be very unhappy." 100 % correct
"I also see her punishing you, rather than her moving forward for a new life for herself." In the short run I can live with that. I caused her a lot of pain. If she goes to IC and works through it while I work on myself just maybe.....
"W is very confused in my opinion and has no idea what she wants. I think she is likely in a lot of pain." I think you are correct. Her parents have told me a story about my wife when about 10 years old. She was mad at her parents so she walked out to the curb and sat with the garbage. They went out to ask her to come in and she said "no, I'm throwing myself out with the garbage". Could she be doing that now?
One more thing I never mentioned. She said she struggles with making the right decision and doubts herself about leaving the marriage. She said this stopped her from leaving many times. She is not confident about making the right choice. Even though she said she's done.
So talk to me Jelly, or anyone else, whats your gut say?
Mutatio - I have no words of wisdom for you. I honestly don't see how you can bear it. I understand being committed to your M, but I don't understand some of the things you put up with to keep the peace. I was ready to throttle her on your behalf back when she would just outright snub you.
It seems you're both at a stalemate - neither of you wants to be the one to leave, so you're sticking it out waiting on the other to make the first move. Staying in her room IS safe. She doesn't have to talk with you, look at you, or interact with you in any way. She just gets to go in there and do her own thing. That, I understand, since I did so much of that myself. I was in a failing M, with a H who didn't desire to change his habits one bit, and it was just easier and safer to stay out of his way.
But you're not doing that - you've been doing your best to make changes, to be the best person you can be. I can't believe she doesn't see that at all. She must, but has got to be harboring such a deep anger that it doesn't move her one bit.
The way I see it, you basically have two choices: 1. Get used to it, because only one of you is interested in creating a better R. 2. Cease waiting on her, and live your own life. Only you can determine which is the path you need to take.
There's nothing wrong with waiting longer, M. None of us will ever judge you for that, or tell you to do it differently. Your patience and commitment to doing whatever it takes to improve your present circumstance are astonishing. I've never met a person so determined. It takes a rare kind of patience to stay in such difficult circumstances with the kind of grace you display.
The day may come, though, when you decide you've done the best you can, and decide to do what makes you happy without her. Again, none of us would judge you for that. There is no one anywhere who can say you didn't try. I don't think many of us would be willing to stay in such a one-sided M for very long. All of us here long to have a committed, happy M. We don't want to be M for the sake of being M. We long for connection, for companionship, and intimacy. That's a human kind of thing. If the day comes you decide you just want more out of life, then you need to do what you must.
I'll support you, either way. I know for certain I am not the only one. I know, absolutely, you are not ready to make decisions right now - but it is time to start thinking about things. You only have this one very precious life to live. Who knows, M? What if you decide to move on, and she realizes maybe she doesn't want to be left behind after all?
There's no way to tell. There's only your decision, and if you can be at peace with it. For now, do nothing - especially since you are in pain. That is not a good place to make life-altering decisions from. Just know that you have people here who really do care about you. We're here for you, and will do the best we can to help.
I forgot to mention, my wife said that she hasn't decided yet but does not think she will wear the earrings I bought her as a Christmas gift. It's not a surprise considering what I'm up against. It also reveals the resentment she has for me and a gift from me.
Is there anything I can do to reduce the anger and resentment she has for me?
