Well, here it is, New Year's Eve, and I'm watching my boys get ready to go out with friends. H is long gone - and I'm by myself. Sad. I'm trying not to be, though. I'm reminding myself that this is the last night of this awful year. My "babies" graduated high school. My marriage collapsed.
I also realized a few key things: I haven't been myself in years. I've been very, very unhappy. I've finally begun to address the depression issue that has stolen so much of what should have been some of the happiest days of my life. I've begun to realize to what extent I lost who I was in favor of keeping peace in a M that was just limping along. I've remembered that I CAN do some things. I'm not completely helpless. I can probably do so much more than I realize, in spite of the chronic illness - I just need to keep working at it, and discover how much.
This coming year promises to be a year full of learning, of growing. I still have challenges to get through - the court case for the night I went insane, finding some place to live, getting through the final divorce. I have a feeling, though, that as I cross each of these hurdles, I'm going to toughen up, and gain some self-confidence.
I can only strive to be the best I can be. I wish I didn't have to do it alone - but I don't think I would have been challenged enough to do it on my own without all the horrible things that happened first. There is good to be found in every circumstance, no matter how awful it appears at first. It's often only upon reflection that we discover the lesson. That's something else I've learned to do: Reflect.
So many of life's lessons require thought. I didn't spend much time thinking about things when I was just existing. I thought I was happy, and I was, in a shallow sense. But the deeper lessons life has to teach, the growth that we should accomplish here on earth - I wasn't getting much of that.
I'm happy this year is coming to a close, because I'm ready to leave it all behind and become what I was always meant to be. I've made great friends here on the DB site. Friends that literally help me up and helped me through what was literally the worst period in my life. Friends that understand how I can still love H in spite of all the horrible things he's done. He wasn't always this way. I understand something I used to scoff at - MLC. Understanding that has helped me come to peace with the unexplainable.
So, in the end, I guess I can't say 2015 was the worst year of my life. 2015 was the year of catalyst, of change, of beginning to grow. It was literally the last year I went around wearing blinders. I have to be grateful for the chance and opportunities I've been given. I think learning to be at peace, to be grateful in spite of how things appear? I think that has been the biggest lesson of all.
