Ok last question for 2015 and I will do my best to make 2016 the year that I move forward with me ...my W said today that we get along in a superficial level I know I have to let her go .....we never used to be getting along JUST on a superficial level this is something that she has chosen .... Can this change again.
I do not know the things that I can do to GAL
I will try and think up a list of things that I can do to move me away from my W
Thank you all and I will really try to make 2016 more about me
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
my W said today that we get along in a superficial level I know I have to let her go .....we never used to be getting along JUST on a superficial level this is something that she has chosen .... Can this change again.
The answer is yes, anything is possible. HOWEVER, as long as you only NEED that possibility its likely what will happen. You might R, you might D. Accept the possibility of either happening and move forward with your life not needing either to be you. Being without her wont be the worst thing that ever happens to you. What your doing to yourself right now is and that's on you.
Let me ask you this, what led up to her saying you two get along in a superficial way. What did you say right before that, what did you say after it. It sounds to me like you're still trying to initiate conversations and reason with her and need to STFU.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I have been reading your posts and hope you stop spinning. When you do and start answering questions we seem to see things in a different light. Get to know you a little more.
My first reaction to your answers was that I know that guy. There was also another post from Trumpet about his reactions and how this created insecurities in his wife as indicated by Sandi. I also knew this guy some time ago.
You asked me some time ago about DB and seemed to have a problem understanding it. Besides the fact you still are unclear what correct Detaching and GAL is.
Both issues were perfectly answered by Sandi. You never stop DB, from the moment you start a R, DB is among there with the chores. D&GAL are moving forward and not moving on. Moving on is giving up and jumping to the next flower. Moving forward is still loving your partner but backing off. Your idea is to concentrate on kids and housework. Sandi mentioned it is how you interact with your W. This is the reply.
Suming up, DB is done from day one and D&GAL are about interacting directly and indirectly with your wife.
Your problem is putting this into practice with a constant requirement for day to day advice. You are looking for someone to have a headset on and tell you what to do and say each minute.
Forget it. DB is not about that. It is about inner growth. A chain reaction. If you start to grow, get that inner strength, you start to D&GAL. Once you D&GAL you interact with her in a different way than you until now.
You need to grow G and judging from your upbringing and way you faced the adversities you lacked a role model that could help you grow and instead of toughening up you creased. It is not a criticism, just an observation.
I have read many posts here of people who have had to overcome some serious adversities and challenges in life. Ones a child should never have to face. I include myself unfortunately. They mark you for life and in many ways layout how you will react in adulthood. Some are ever present whilst others are dormant until something really emotional triggers them off.
Many who have not gone through a painful childhood and grew up in a comfortable and emotionally stable family atmosphere cannot sympathize nor empathize with us. It is a bagagge we have been forced to carry and though we may store it in a closet it is still there. To our spouses the fact our parents did this or that is like watching the news. They may be apalled but it does not affect them.
Tell them our parents divorced with bloody battles and constant use of us as weapons has a psychological impact they cannot begin to comprehend. Tell them we are leaving them and divorce is on the table and they fall apart.
How we handle pain determines how we handle those rough times. A lot of people here on the forum are feeling this pain. They cannot handle it, they are all over the place, they are ovecome. The problem is we need that pain to grow. It makes us stronger, gives us the strength and power to fight back, it gives us the power to move forward when we fell like falling, sometimes makes us alive and appreciate things we took for granted .... if we we know how to harness it and use it to our advantage.
Looking at you G you never had a role model to support you, help you grow. You felt pain and sadness and your W was your escape. I get that. It is still no excuse G. You chose the path to lie down and die. Others stood up to fight and are still fighting. Life is a constant fight for survival.
To me your relationship seems it was based on mutual need with a touch of want. You had each others back and it was either that or the unhappy alternative.
The problem I see with you G is that you brought that neediness, lack of love, weakness to your marriage. Your wife was probably emotionally nurse maiding you for these years and you got comfy. She then ran dry and here you are. You never worked on your issues, never needed to.
The other problem is that your bringing that weak, lie down and die filosophy to your DB techniques. You are neither stupid nor stubborn. I think you are lazy and have serious codependency issues that you need to work on.
You have dragged your jealousy and insecurities into your relationship, it is destroying you though you dont see it and it is dragging your wife down with you. To her this very minute you are like quicksand. She wants to get out but the more she moves the more you smother her. I also understand that I cannot tell you to man up or grow a pair when you have neither faced life head on nor had someone in your corner. I understand her need for breathing space and to stop emotionally babysitting you. I had the same issues with my wife. I was needy, jealous and to be quite honest, when I look back quite pathetic.
Women need a MAN in all its essence and expressions, both in and out the bedroom. They need to feel secure, safe, loved and happy. I told you that they are emotional creatures, extremely forgiving and extremely vulnerable... until you provoke them. With your current attitude G what security are you showing her? It seems only financial one judging from your posts.
As Sandi said about interactions, how does going to a gym, spending more time with your kids and doing the dishes overcome your relentless need for R talks or avoidance. Your body language also reflects weakness as does the day to day interactions you have.
She wants to be free from all of this and I fully understand her, you want her back but have nothing to offer her new except yoga classes and clean dishes. She doesnt want a Mr. Doubtfire she wants the pierce brosnan. Sure of himself and knows how to treat her like a woman. Stop treating her like a wife, she is no longer your wife. Start treating her like a woman. You want to go back to the life you had and she doesnt. I am on her side.
I know a lot of this is gibberish to you in your current mind state. It is like teaching humour to a vulcan. A difficult concept.
You are in some ways fortunate but do not realize it. If you read many of the posts here most of the spouses checked out by getting involved in an EAPA. From what it seems your wife did not. You are lucky to be unfortunate to be here. Your main enemy is you without the distraction of a 3rd person. She chose the noble way out.
Your next move is crucial, time is running out, I cant really blame your wife for her need for space and freedom. She needs to start living for herself and stop looking over her shoulder every time for your reaction.
You are a grown a$$ man that needs to grow up and give her the space she needs mainly because you too need this space. You have to grow, mature, break that umbilical cord that keeps you tied to her.
In short G, the answers you are looking for in your day to day actions at home are within you once you unlock yourself. If you change and become that man that you need to be you may have a chance at a new M or R. Carry on asking the same old questions and you will never move from the spot you are now.
Read all the books you say you have read again from start to finish until you understand them. These are not novels but beacons of hope for people such as ourselves who are lost and need to find our way around emotional mazes. Before posting another question go over ALL your previous posts. The questions are there as are the answers.
Get up and start fighting for your wife if you really want her back. When you read phrases like be the best you can be and be a man only a fool would leave, dont take notice yet. First you have to find that man. You have to discover the man you were supposed to be. Only then can you start the process.
This is my opinion and to be honest I really have no more to say. I think you just want the easy way out and keep finding excuses to show why you are weak.
You had problems as a child, i'll give you that but some had it worse off than you, much worse yet here they are being active, not passive. Proactive not reactive. Fighting to save their relationship and making the changes day in day out without reassurances but with hope. Hoping that the changes in them will be enough.
I could go on forever but something tells me you will come back with the same lines and questions and then after a few more posts breakdown and start the cycle again.
This will be my last post for you G, I know where you are coming from, how you feel and where you are going. You need to take that first step of faith while what you are doing at present is something (gym, dishes, etc) you need to be man enough to talk to your wife, stfu, be firm, be compassionate, be understanding when you have to.
Whatever you say has been said. Most of us been there and done that and it was never easy or painless.
I wish you all the best in the new year and though will keep tabs and root for you, this is a journey you need to make for yourself. Whatever the outcome it will be due to you.
You asked me some time ago about DB and seemed to have a problem understanding it. Besides the fact you still are unclear what correct Detaching and GAL is.
Both issues were perfectly answered by Sandi. You never stop DB, from the moment you start a R, DB is among there with the chores. D&GAL are moving forward and not moving on. Moving on is giving up and jumping to the next flower. Moving forward is still loving your partner but backing off. Your idea is to concentrate on kids and housework.
Suming up, DB is done from day one and D&GAL are about interacting directly and indirectly with your wife.
Your problem is putting this into practice with a constant requirement for day to day advice.
Forget it. DB is not about that. It is about inner growth. A chain reaction. If you start to grow, get that inner strength, you start to D&GAL. Once you D&GAL you interact with her in a different way than you until now.
You need to grow G and judging from your upbringing and way you faced the adversities you lacked a role model that could help you grow
Tell them we are leaving them and divorce is on the table and they fall apart.
How we handle pain determines how we handle those rough times. A lot of people here on the forum are feeling this pain. They cannot handle it, they are all over the place, they are ovecome. The problem is we need that pain to grow. It makes us stronger, gives us the strength and power to fight back, it gives us the power to move forward when we fell like falling, sometimes makes us alive and appreciate things we took for granted .... if we we know how to harness it and use it to our advantage.
Looking at you G you never had a role model to support you, help you grow. You felt pain and sadness and your W was your escape. I get that. It is still no excuse G. You chose the path to lie down and die. Others stood up to fight and are still fighting. Life is a constant fight for survival.
To me your relationship seems it was based on mutual need with a touch of want. You had each others back and it was either that or the unhappy alternative.
The problem I see with you G is that you brought that neediness, lack of love, weakness to your marriage. Your wife was probably emotionally nurse maiding you for these years and you got comfy. She then ran dry and here you are. You never worked on your issues, never needed to.[/b] I,think this is spot on
The other problem is that your bringing that weak, lie down and die filosophy to your DB techniques. You are neither stupid nor stubborn. I think you are lazy and have serious codependency issues that you need to work on.
[b]You have dragged your jealousy and insecurities into your relationship, it is destroying you though you dont see it and it is dragging your wife down with you. To her this very minute you are like quicksand. She wants to get out but the more she moves the more you smother her. I also understand that I cannot tell you to man up or grow a pair when you have neither faced life head on nor had someone in your corner. I understand her need for breathing space and to stop emotionally babysitting you. I had the same issues with my wife. I was needy, jealous and to be quite honest, when I look back pathetic. You are spot on here quite
Women need a MAN in all its essence and expressions, both in and out the bedroom. They need to feel secure, safe, loved and happy. I told you that they are emotional creatures, extremely forgiving and extremely vulnerable... until you provoke them. With your current attitude G what security are you showing her? It seems only financial one judging from your posts.
As Sandi said about interactions, how does going to a gym, spending more time with your kids and doing the dishes overcome your relentless need for R talks or avoidance. Your body language also reflects weakness as does the day to day interactions you have.
She wants to be free from all of this and I fully understand her, you want her back but have nothing to offer her new except yoga classes and clean dishes. She doesnt want a Mr. Doubtfire she wants the pierce brosnan. Sure of himself and knows how to treat her like a woman. Stop treating her like a wife, she is no longer your wife. Start treating her like a woman. You want to go back to the life you had and she doesnt. I am on her side.
I know a lot of this is gibberish to you in your current mind state. It is like teaching humour to a vulcan. A difficult concept.
You are in some ways fortunate but do not realize it. If you read many of the posts here most of the spouses checked out by getting involved in an EAPA. From what it seems your wife did not. You are lucky to be unfortunate to be here. Your main enemy is you without the distraction of a 3rd person. She chose the noble way out.
Your next move is crucial, time is running out, I cant really blame your wife for her need for space and freedom. She needs to start living for herself and stop looking over her shoulder every time for your reaction.can I do this in house separation ??
You are a grown a$$ man that needs to grow up and give her the space she needs mainly because you too need this space. You have to grow, mature, break that umbilical cord that keeps you tied to her.
In short G, the answers you are looking for in your day to day actions at home are within you once you unlock yourself. If you change and become that man that you need to be you may have a chance at a new M or R. Carry on asking the same old questions and you will never move from the spot you are now.
Read all the books you say you have read again from start to finish until you understand them. These are not novels but beacons of hope for people such as ourselves who are lost and need to find our way around emotional mazes. Before posting another question go over ALL your previous posts. The questions are there as are the answers.
Get up and start fighting for your wife if you really want her back. What does this mean When you read phrases like be the best you can be and be a man only a fool would leave, dont take notice yet.First you have to find that man. You have to discover the man you were supposed to be. Only then can you start the process.
This is my opinion and to be honest I really have no more to say. I think you just want the easy way out and keep finding excuses to show why you are weak.
You had problems as a child, i'll give you that but some had it worse off than you, much worse yet here they are being active, not passive. Proactive not reactive. Fighting to save their relationship and making the changes day in day out without reassurances but with hope. Hoping that the changes in them will be enough.
Whatever you say has been said. Most of us been there and done that and it was never easy or painless.
Max thank you I truley mean this I love you buddy I really do your posts ...I will soon understand yes I still spin and sometimes am unsure quite what you mean
When you say be a man
I am trying to work on this
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Get up and start fighting for your wife if you really want her back.
What does this mean
It means to start being Pierce Bronson.
Quote:
Your next move is crucial, time is running out
can I do this in house separation ??
What if we said, "No, you can't do it while in house separation"? See, you didn't even ask what the next move should be. You are so terrified of living without her, that is all you can think about. That's not working. That's not changing. That's not being a man. You keep saying you are working on it. How? What are you doing that would be considered working on it? Spending more time with your children is a separate relationship from your W. The changes you have previously listed, are things you are doing to make her feel better toward you, but you have not changed your inner self. Until you start working on the inner self, the dynamics of your MR is not going to improve.
IMO, your next move should be to grow some b@lls, b/c until you make up your mind that you will be okay without her........I don't think anything is going to help this MR. Can you do it while in house S? Maybe, I just don't know that you will. It may take you living independently before you grow up emotionally.
Your W is not that little teenage girl now. She wants to be with a grown man who has all the right equipment.
You need to have a session with your IC and discuss your co-dependency, and you don't know how to answer questions about your inner self. There is where the core to your problem lies.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi ...do you think I will ever get this ? I hope I can ....everything changes with me ...starts with me and for me to fight For my my marriage I have to become the better man ...now I get this I really do ...well at least I think I do ..,yet I probably don't !
To become the better man I want to go to the gym to loose weight and start to get fit and I am probably one of the most unhealthy guys there I am overweight I always have been ..this did not stop my W from loving me....but it s more than just this ...this is about the inner me and how I can become best that I can on the inside I need to be more confident in my self go out meet new people start to build a life with my W one where if she decides that she wants to be a part of it she has to come to me. I have to truley love myself for who I am and what I Have achieved.
I can talk the talk for a very short while that I could leave her but then I think about it and the fear sets in
I do see that my W has matured and is not the teenage girl that I first met
Time for me to re read my thread I mentioned this before
I will not post any more till I have reread
Thank ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Sandi I have been thinking about pierce bronson and his characteristics
He would mostly care about himself full of confidence He would treat a woman well but also be able to keep her at a distance
My comment above about leaving her and needing to be strong and that I can talk the talk it is not about this yet I dont have to sell they house but I do need to put some space between us some emotional space.
He is also a womaniser and would think nothing on going with the woman
He is strong and oozes sex appeal he knows himself and knows what he wants
He would not hang about if the woman did not want him he knows that he is good enough for her and would not lower himself if she was not interested
On a side note I am not sure he has 4 kids with the woman and if this would change his view,of things probably not now to think a lot more about my inner self and what I can do to change this to be the man I want to be
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Pierce Broson is a fake too. You need to be 008 Ghost with a license to kill! Don't let her dictate what you feel. You can think and feel whatever you want to think and feel. It is hard sometimes, but it is harder when you have no control over yourself. Don't lose the control over yourself.
I have made the CHOICE to live for me and my children. No matter what my WW is up to. I haven't been the father of the year for a long time, but this year I will be the father of the century. Every woman who has a child finds this irresistibly attractive. It is a part of their very soul.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Stop worrying about being alone in the future, you are now. Right now you are alone. It doesn't matter if your W is in the same house, that's a false sense of security you keep telling yourself.
Live your own life and find pleasure in it or keep being miserable and taking for granted what you do have.
I want to be happy and the bottom line is I control my happiness.
I am torn between putting myself first or thinking that I have to put my children first
I see and hear what you say about having to be in a better mental state in order to be the rock that my children need
I worry about everything and anything
Here is a couple of quick examples of the kind of worry that goes through my mind and most of this is totally irrational
When we go to separate houses I worry that my wife will be able to offer the children a better standard of living ...remember she has been the main carer for the past 15 years she has been the one who was / is arround after school to make them meals talk with them care for them interact with them while I was at work
My boys do not get along that well with each other half of the time they wind each other up I know they would not want to have to share a bedrrom ....I know this now from how we are living what I do not know is if this would change if we lived in a new house perhaps they would actually like to spend time together what if I have to put them into a single bedrrom and my wife manages to put them into bedrooms of their own what if they prefer living with my wife and not want to live with me ....it is the unknown that cripples me all the frikiing time.
I am a good dad I love and I care for my children and I will do the best that I can for them everyday I will provide for them and I will share their happiness I will make them laugh and I will be their biggest fan.
How could I ever move forward with my life and even contemplate being with someone else this would take a massive amount of time and wold be unfair on my children ...This is what I mean about me being afraid to put myself first. I deserve happiness but not at the expense of my children .
I will think of some GAL ideas
25yrs thank you everyone
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
