I think Zues said it best on his new thread More and more, less and less. When he talks about how the kindness of strangers here in this place, gives him hope for himself and for our humanity.
2015 was definitely not the hardest year I have had in my life, it was up there, but it was definitely the most life changing. I began 2015 as a complicated, depressed, suicidal, neurotic mess, and while I can't say that I'm not complicated or neurotic, I am not suicidal or depressed, and I have hope for my life that I have never had before.
I think for the last 20 years I have basically been faking it. Looking at people around me and mimicking what I thought you were supposed to do, acting how your were supposed to act. It was other worldly, like an outer body experience. Watching myself live my life from a distance. I saw life through a sepia coloured lenses.
My two relationships brought the only colour I had ever known in life. And clung to each gorgeous man ( and they were good, kind men with faults), like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver. A squeezed all the colour out them I could get, and when they had no colour left they left me. I makes complete sense that they did.
In 2015 I found a paint palette and discovered a couple of brushes and been shown that I can dab a bit of colour here and there for myself. Maybe paint palette is too expert, too grandoise an idea. I'm more like a child who has crayons and a new colouring book, adding colour but still wanting to much to stay inside the lines. It is a work in progress lets say.
2015 was the year I dug around in some old deep wounds related to my dad. That was no fun. I had forgiven my father the man years ago for our relationship and the pain he caused me. 2015 was a beginning journey of forgiving the child he abused, the me that never thought I was worth any more than being used, ignored and dismissed. This is not easy to write. It makes me cry. But I guess that is a sign of self-compassion that has been sorely lacking.
2015 was the year that I realised that didn't have to relive every trauma about my father, with the interaction I have with men I love. You would think I would know that. But I really didn't. Rationally yes, emotionally not so much. I have posted many times about my love and respect for the men on this board. Men have never been safe people for me. They are people to be weary of, to feel defended against and not to trust. I always knew that there were good men out there, they just never seemed attracted to me or maybe I pushed them away, or something else. But I have a renewed connection and faith about men, from being here.
Thank you to the men you are, for your vulnerability, for your willingness to stand for yourselves, your wives, your children.
As for the women, here there are so many I aspire to be like. Qualities and ways of being I would love to have more of. Quite frankly I am astounded that you are in the positions you are in.
There is more work for me to be doing in 2016. Much more letting go and acceptance. More demons and dragons to be slayed. But all in good time.
Thank you for letting be here. My journey had not been one of saving a marriage and family, but saving myself. I literally had no where else to go.
