I believe we are all talking about the same things here, whether it is my life or yours. there are needs that are not being met. how can we meet those needs or is there something inside that needs to be changed because of a longing for something more from ourselves.
You are right, my marriage appears to be everything a man could want. There is companionship, support, sharing, respect and we do an awesome job with my boys. There is even a physical aspect to our marriage that many good relationships do not have. i have heard so many times, women ask my wife or me, how we do it (paraphrasing). We would appear to be a great marriage, except for one small detail...LACK OF REAL INTIMACY.
Anc,
I think (and this has been in the back of my mind for a long time) that I have had this need to be wanted. My whole life I worked hard to gain than sense of accomplishment, not because it made me feel good to succeed, but because those around me that I had a desire to accept me, would. That was my family, friends, employers, teachers, whomever.
I know better now, that I don't need approval from anyone, nor my sense of accomplishment is my own fuel to be who I want to be. I know my worth, I know my capabilities and my value to my family and to the community. so what is it?
There was my wife. like so many here, we met young...I was 17, she was 15. She wanted me for me. she found me amongst the weeds, the flotsam, the cast away souls,
Without getting too much into the shadows of who I am...what am I missing...I want to feel wanted, mostly as a man. I am already needed as a provider, an employee, a father, a banker, cook, chauffer, whatever...but I am not needed as a lover or as a confidant. that intimacy has been missing from my life for a long time, and me sharing myself with her has largely been denied. If that is a natural, healthy desire...which I believe it to be, then it continues to be unfulfilled, and will be potentially forever, right?
Nothing I do as a person will ever fill than desire to be wanted. not me going out and joining a softball team or going to a rock concert or playing cards with the guys...none of it. I will not seek it out from another woman as long as i am married, it is not who i am. I want so much to be welcomed home because I am missed, not because the toilet is busted and It needs to be fixed. I want my clothes to be torn off because she wants to share herself with me, not because of obligation or having an base-urge, but out of pure desire to be together. i want for openness to return for her to share her emotions with me as her soul-mate, instead of only daily grind, doubt or silence.
it is as if she has decided that no matter what, she will not meet those needs or that she can't no matter how hard she appears to try. it is not like she has not heard them from me, not as complaints, even...but as requests.
If this is all an illusion of what my life could be? Am i being too idealistic, too greedy for what i already have? It felt like that was how it was before. But no, there has been that something missing for so long and i am not sure that it could ever be recaptured with my wife, for long anyways. Maybe it is me hoping to hard that it can, maybe it is me being too stubborn that it will never happen. Maybe it is just taking a LOOOONG time for her to regain her mojo from all that has happened. I don't know.
The Other (less crazy, more grounded) Side of me says, If i look back 1 year ago from today, i would bet that i would be ecstatic i am where we are. I am a different person than i was, a better man...that is for sure. Roiste is spot on with that. progress, right...as long as there is continued progress i need to stay patient. I am tired. So I will say to myself, "Mark, STFU and keep it going"
I have a short outing tonight and then all my boyz come around tomorrow for college football, drinking, and poker!!!!
My Hawkeyes are in the Rose Bowl tomorrow, so I will be paying attention for that game.
